parks@noao.UUCP (Jay Parks) (11/08/85)
(SPLASH PAGE: We see the beyonder, an expression of shock and alarm on
his face. On his left is the ghostly image of a tall man named Jim. On
his right is a huge stack of dollar bills. Facing him is an angry group
of reviewers. The caption reads: Can even the beyonder's secret powers
save him from . . . THE CRITICS OF DOOM? )
The beyonder (small b for a small character) had been thought
dead, exterminated by a costumed vigilante in the name of higher
quality. Miraculously, though, he was discovered still living in the
men's room of Marvel Comics. Briefly, Mr. beyonder tilts his head back
and takes us through a flash-back of everything that has happened
before.
"But what shall I do now?" he wonders, aloud. Several people
nearby (the streets of downtown Manhattan, of course) look at him
strangely, then edge away. Unnoticing, our hero continues his dialogue
with himself.
"I've conquered even death itself. How can I commemorate this?
Hmmm... I could join the Challengers of the Unknown. No, too subtle.
I need something flashy, some incredibly tacky gesture . . . I've got
it!"
Wasting no time, the beyonder flies to the city of Sheboygan.
With a wave of his hand he reduces the city to its raw materials, then
re-assembles them in a new form: a mile-high tower of chrome, plastic,
and bubble gum. Blinking over the front door is a half-mile tall orange
and green sign proclaiming "The Formerly Dead Club".
Resting from his creative (?) labors, the beyonder leans back in
a chair and sips on a diet coke.
"Finally, something that will proclaim my uniqness to the world
-- a club so exclusive it has only one member: me!"
He is interrupted from further gloating by a knock on the door.
"What?" (he's still talking to himself) "Who could this be?
Perhaps someone wishes to express their profound awe at my return from
the very gates of mortality itself! I shall answer it immediately."
But upon throwing open the door he is struck with wonder.
"You! Those unmistakable Byrne pencilings! That crisp Austin
inking! But . . . you're dead!"
"Not lately, friend," Jean Grey says. "I've been brought back
to life by the same overgods who were responsible for your genesis.
Enough of that, though. What I was wondering was . . . could I join
your club?"
"Well, I was hoping to keep it exclusive . . ."
"Oh come on!" Jean's face is suddenly transformed, being
omimously lit from underneath. Her arms raise up threateningly and her
costume begins to change. "My death was the most dramatic and
heart-wrentching scene ever done in comics! Why, even Supergirl's
demise couldn't challenge mine. Are you threatening to challenge my
cumulative sales record?"
"Hey," the beyonder gasps, stepping back quickly from the
special effects, "Just kidding. Uh, sure, you can join. It'll still be
an exclusive club -- the two classiest figures in the history of
comics."
Attracted by her crisp inking, the beyonder edges closer to her,
when he is suddenly interrupted by another knock on the door!
"Jean! You're the only one that's ever meant anything to me!"
Cyclops shouts, blowing open the door with his patented optic blast.
"Scott, my husband, father of our child, wait!" A woman who may
or may not look exactly like Jean Grey (depending on the artist) throws
herself into Scott's arms. "What about our years of happiness? What
about our family? You aren't going to throw that all away just for a
spin-off series, are you?"
There is a loud THUNK! as Scott drops her onto the hard tiles of
the floor.
"Jean, you're the only one I've ever cared for!" He takes her
into his arms.
"No, Scott, I'm the only one you ever cared for!"
He spins and spots a familiar figure in the door -- a beautiful
woman outline in an unmistakeable bird-of-fire.
"Phoenix!"
Jean looks up from the protective circle of Scott's arms. "What
about me, darling?"
There is a loud THUNK! as Scott drops her onto the hard tiles of
the floor.
"Phoenix, you're the only one I've ever cared for!" He takes
her into his arms and kisses her passionately. "Hey, you're not
Phoenix, you're Rachel, my almost-kind-of-daughter!"
There is a loud THUNK! as Scott drops her onto the hard tiles of
the floor.
"Not quite, Scott," Phoenix replies, rubbing her rear. "Jean
Grey and Phoenix were two separate beings. You don't think Jean would
have made woopie on the top of that mesa, do you?"
Scott blushes as Jean and Maddie both glare at him.
"Well, in the same way that Jean was never Phoenix, Rachel can't
be Phoenix either, you see? I left Rachel in an energy cocoon in the
basement of the Grey's suburban home. I hope they don't mind."
"Sure, it makes sense to me!" Arm in arm, Scott and Phoenix go
walking off into the sunset together.
"Well, that stinks!" Madyline says. "I feel like getting into
a plane crash or something." With a growl, she stalks off to look for
more consistent sub-plotting.
Jean lifts herself off the floor, carefully rubbing her rear.
"I'm so mad at him, I wish I could pound him right into the ground!"
"Pardon me, ma'am, but could I help?" A man in a designer
safari jacket and red sunglasses has appeared in the shattered doorway.
"Who are you?" the beyonder shouts, realizing that he has begun
to lose control of his own comic. (Why, it's as bad as those issues of
the X-men where the New Mutants entirely take over!)
"I'm Simon Williams, better known as Wonder Man. I thought I'd
stop by and become a member of your little club."
"Oh yeah? What are your qualifications?"
Wonder Man firms his jaw a little. "Listen, unlike *some*
people here, I really died. I was buried, you know? Six feet under.
At least until I was dug up to be a zombie. But that's a long story..."
"Well," the beyonder reluctantly admits, "I suppose you're
qualified."
"Good, then how about me?" Standing beside Wonder Man, is the
insubstantial form of the VISION! "I'm probably the only person here to
die twice. Not only did I die as Simon Williams, but I died as the
original human torch! Beat that, if you can."
"Okay, you can join too. Here, fill out these forms."
"Excuse me, sir, can I join too?" A young, white haired girl
has now appeared at the door. "I know I'm just a clone, but I really
*was* killed by the Green Goblin. I mean, I just thought I should get
some credit for being the first major female character to tragically
die, only to return when you least expected her."
"Pardon me, miss, aren't you Gwen Stacey?"
Everyone turns to the newest arrival, a sandy-haired artist.
"I just thought that I should be a charter member of this
organization," he says, "since I died before any of you were even born.
Oh, pardon me, you probably don't recognize me like this." Deftly
unslinging a huge shield (which he had been hiding under his t-shirt),
the man puts on a colorful red-white-and-blue garb, and stands revealed
before all as Captain America!
"HOLD IT!" the beyonder shouts. "This is my comic (here, check the
cover) and I'm in control here! Now, I just wanted to form a nice
exclusive little club for myself, and all of a sudden I'm deluged by a
bunch of cheap copy-cats!"
"Who's a copy cat?"
"Who's cheap?"
"Yeah, explain yourself, beyonder."
"Very well." The beyonder attempts to take an impressive Kirby
stance. "In this, my latest series, I have come up with the most original
comic idea of our time, as befits the Marvel House of Ideas. Not only did
I tragicly die in my last series..."
(someone in the background mutters "I didn't think it was tragic")
"... but in this series I am magically re-born. I have found a way
at last to capitalize on the most intense drama, sweeping change (the death
of a major character), and continuing sales. In fact, since death is so
meaningful, so dramatic, so easy to plot -- I intend to die at least once a
series from now on! That's what I call originality."
There is a brief pause, as the listeners try to keep their stomachs
under control. Finally, Captain America (as a living symbol of truth and
justice) breaks the bad news.
"Son," he says, "I know this is going to come as a shock to you,
but the Spirit first died over 40 years ago. The idea isn't original."
The beyonder, his ideals shattered, weeps. "Oh, well," he says,
sniffing pitifully, "at least we have gathered together here as the finest
heroes the industry has to offer. Those select few that have managed to
look death in the face and survive."
"Wait!" shouts Wonder Man. "That huge cloud on the horizon -- what
could it be?"
Using his beyonder-vision, our hero scans the approaching cloud.
"It looks like dust . . . no, it's a crowd of people! And they're coming
this way. Bar the doors!"
The huge gates are repaired and closed just in time. The mob
pounds helplessly on the outside of the doors.
"What could they want?" the beyonder wonders, leaning against the
door. "Ouch! What was that?"
"Hmmm, looks like a razor-sharp, nigh-indestructable claw forged of
pure adamantium -- the hardest metal known to comic book writers!"
In less time than it takes to say the above sentence, the man known
as Wolverine steps through a hole in the door, followed by the Uncanny
X-MEN!
"Hey bub," he says, lighting an old cigar stolen from Nick Fury,
"we wanna join your club."
"No! It's exclusive! Besides, when did you die?"
"Well . . ." Wolverine starts to count on his fingers. "I was
graphically obliterated in 'Days of Future Past'..."
"Doesn't count. That was in the future."
"I was destroyed by Kulan Gath in issue 192."
"Nope. That was erased from ever happening."
As Wolverine starts to get angry, he waves his claws in the
beyonder's face. "See here behinder --"
"Thats 'beyonder'!"
"Whatever. Just listen to these tales of pathos and woe:"
Colossus tries to look pitiful. This is difficult for someone who
is taller than everyone else in the scene. "I had a spear stuck through my
chest in issue 156!"
"I died in my mini-series," Kitty (or whatever her current name is)
says.
"I was shot in the head," Ororo complains, rubbing her temples.
"I went to hell," Nightcrawler mentions.
The behinder (oops, I mean beyonder) sneers at them. "Sorry,
that's just not good enough. Those were all fakes. Now get out!"
Just then, Professor X appears (manifesting himself as a huge,
transparent head, floating in mid-air) "Hold! What about myself? Not
only did I die in issue 46 (although it was really the changeling
'Grotesk'), I was also killed by my own students, to be re-born in this
clone body in issue 167."
Finding it hard to argue with a man who has died twice, the
beyonder admits Professor X, but kicks out the rest of the X-Men.
"All right, I might as well see everyone else that's got a valid shot at
getting in."
No sooner has he spoken, than the flood begins. The beyonder takes
a clipboard and stands by the door, checking off names as they walk
through.
"Okay, let's see... Wasp, Yellowjacket, Captain America (again),
Black Panther, Hercules, Ms. Marvel, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Black Widow,
Quicksilver, Captain Marvel --"
"I'm standing in for the other Captain Marvel," she explains
quickly. "He couldn't be here, because he's currently dead, but since I
haven't died yet, I'm taking his place."
"Huh? Never mind, I don't want to hear it. Where was I? Captain
Marvel, and the Guardians of the Galaxy. Fine. What's your story?"
"We were all killed by Korvac."
"Fine." He makes a small check on the clipboard. "Next."
"Spider-woman. I sort of killed myself in issue 50, but I came
back later."
"Fine. Next."
"I killed myself *several* times."
"What?! Oh, Adam Warlock." He makes a convoluted note on the
clipboard. "Good, next."
"Sasquatch, killed by my team-mates, currently in Limbo."
"Sorry, you must have a body to be a club member. Next."
"Balder the Brave, here, these are pictures of me in hell, before I
got tired of it and left. Also, I'd like to get a spot for Odin, who died
fighting the Celestials before his more recent disappearance fighting
Surtur."
"You're fine, Odin will have to appear in person. Next."
"Electra. I was resurrected by Stick and his ninja squad."
The beyonder sighs and makes a notes. "All right. Next."
"Ben Ulrich. I was killed by Electra before Bullseye killed her."
The beyonder yawns. "Next."
A glowing blue figure walks through the door. "Obi-Wan Kenobi. I
would have been killed by Darth Vader, but I died first ... I think."
"Hold it right there, buddy. This is just marvel comics. What are
you here for."
Obi-Wan looks desperate. "But Star Wars is done by Marvel. I
thought -- "
"Look, the life of John Paul II was also done by marvel. Sorry, we
have to draw the line somewhere. Membership is limited to the Marvel
Universe only. Next."
"Please! Don't send me back to yoda. I can't take him any longer!
Trapped for all eternity listening to Grover speak backwards is too much!"
"Tell it to Lucas. Next."
"Doctor Doom. I was killed by Terax, but escaped into the body of
an innocent bystander."
"Sounds fine." Realizing who he is talking to, the beyonder looks
up from his clipboard. "Hey, if that's true, how did you get your body
back at the start of Secret Wars I?"
Doc Doom scowls in irritation. "I was hoping *you* would answer
that. Speaking of which, if you took me off at the end of that series, how
come I'm back in the regular Marvel Earth, making bit appearacnes in Secret
Wars II?"
The beyonder becomes irritated, having been caught yet again in a
slip-up. "Don't ask me to explain it! I'm not John Byrne. It's, um, it's
a subplot. That's it! It will be explained eventually."
Doom sneers. "Don't give me that. I've enslaved better characters
than you."
"Is that so? Well you can just go make your own club! I've
decided that no villains will be allowed in this one."
"Fine, I'll do that! I'll get the Living Laser, and the Collector,
and Count Nefaria, and Baron Strucker, and Baron Blood, and I'd get all the
vampires (since you have to die to be a vampire) except that they're all
now un-undead, and Cthon, and Gabrial the Air-Walker, and Klaw, and
Molecule Man (is he still a villain?), and the Sentinals (they'll make good
cannon fodder), and the White Queen, and Jason Wingarde (although, strictly
speaking he never died, he was left to a fate worse than death), and the
Kingpin's wife, Vanessa Fisk, and . . ."
The beyonder looks bored and unimpressed. "Sounds fine."
"I'll bet you don't have anyone who's died over ten times, do you?"
Doom shouts. "The best any of you have done is three or four deaths. Ha!
I'll get Ultron-7! He's died so many times we've lost count! Beat that!"
Doom stomps off, muttering to himself. "We'll be back! And then
we'll *kill* you all!"
"Geez, big threat. Somehow, all of this reminds me of Secret Wars
I. Well, I guess that's about it. Hello, who is this?"
A classic figure swings in on a web-line.
"Didn't recognize me in my new costume, huh? I decided to re-do my
spider-costume in sort of a plaid/paisly combination. I figure the gimic
ought to sell a few hundred thousand extra copies of my magazine."
"Spider-man, what are you doing here?"
"I want to join your club."
The beyonder is using all of his power to keep from at the sight
of this new costume. "Sure. When did you die?"
"Well... my uncle Ben died in my origin. Gwen Stacey, my girlfriend,
died. Jean DeWolf died."
"But when did *you* die?"
"My aunt May dies nearly every issue. That should count for
something!"
"I'm sorry," the beyonder says in an oily voice, "you can't be
admitted unless you've died at least once."
Suddenly Spidey snaps his fingers in a burst of inspiration.
"That's it!" he shouts. "I'll start my own club. This one really will be
exclusive! I'll call it the 'I'm Not Dead Yet' Club, and only admit people
who haven't even *pretented* to die! What a great idea. I wonder if I can
get any members besides myself? Maybe Thor. . ."
As Spider-man goes swinging off into the distance (his web-lines
cleverly attached to the top of the panel borders), the beyonder turns to
examine the huge crowd in his exclusive club.
"Well, that idea didn't work out too well," he mutters, talking to
himself again. "What I need is a *really* original idea."
He ponders late into the night, while around him, hundreds of
super-heros party and raid his liquor cabinet. Finally, the great Beyonder
Brain comes up with a sure-fire idea.
"I've got it! My sales will skyrocket! The most original concept
of our time (not including the re-make of _King_Kong_). I'll do . . .
SECRET WARS V !"
NEXT: As public sentiment turns against the beyonder, a certain
Senator Kelley attempts to pass anti-beyonder legislation. Also, J. Jonah
Jameson writes dozens of editorials titled "The Beyonder Menace". Be here
for the episode that could only be titled: "The Other Side of the Law" !
Jay Parks
(decvax!hao!ihnp4!seismo)!noao!parks :uucp
noao!parks@seismo.ARPA :arpanet?soren@reed.UUCP (Soren Petersen) (11/10/85)
In article <448@carina.noao.UUCP> parks@noao.UUCP (Jay Parks) writes: > Just then, Professor X appears (manifesting himself as a huge, >transparent head, floating in mid-air) "Hold! What about myself? Not >only did I die in issue 46 (although it was really the changeling >'Grotesk'), I was also killed by my own students, to be re-born in this >clone body in issue 167." Actually, Professor X does not die in issue 46, he died in, I think, 40 or 41 (sorry, I don't have my reference at hand, but it wasn't 46). Further, Grotesk was not the Changeling, he was the villain in the issue where "Professor X" died. The Changeling was a totally different person. It may be nitpicking to flame this, but please, if you are going to use specific names and issues, get them right. Have a Nice Day, Soren Petersen