colonel@sunybcs.UUCP (Col. G. L. Sicherman) (01/27/86)
Once again, courtesy of Oliver Octopus, the World's Worst Juggler,
you're just in time for
`--' R U S T Y S T A P L E ! `/\'
with thrilling, action-packed reviews of
MISS FIRE CRISIS ON INFINITE HARVEYS EUGOR THE BULGARIAN
CAPTAIN BUFFALO IT'S A POTATO II WIPE YOUR BUM
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"By George, it's fantastic how the minute these characters
get into a comic book, they start acting in bad taste!"
--H. Kurtzman, "Poopeye"
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* The RUSTY STAPLE Rating Scale for Comic Books *
* (A shameless rip-off of the Defense Department's *
* Endurance Rating Scale for Foundation Garments) *
****************************************************
| ::>A< A classic, but overpriced. |
| ::>B< Clever, but overdone. |
| ::>C< Thought-provoking, but dull. |
| ::>D< Mindless, but entertaining. |
| ::>E< Disgusting, but original. |
| ::>F< Teen Romances. |
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NOTE: I never dreamed that so many of you would buy your ten-year-olds
subscriptions to Mad Cartoonists' Guild, only to discover that much of
it is grossly obscene. Sorry if I neglected to mention that in RSR #3,
but ... have you noticed that my competitors neglected to mention it
too? And now to business:
MISS FIRE #20 [C]:
It's a welcome blow for women's lib when a comic book portrays women
as gutsy, hard-boiled, and not afraid to kill people. I had been
avoiding this title, put off by the yellow-on-white printing, and
was pleasantly surprised to find the heroine taking a sensible,
down-to-earth approach to shooting criminals. Besides, this is one
of very few comic books that explores controversial issues like murder,
arson, and rape without becoming judgmental. Sure beats "Dick Tracy!"
CRISIS ON INFINITE HARVEYS #14 [D]:
I'm sure you've heard the news by now, and I for one am boiling mad.
Why this blatant disregard for COIH's readership? This high-handed
treatment of the buying public goes beyond editorial license; it can
only be described as a greedy grab for a fast buck. The worst is
that it will probably succeed wildly, and everybody will run out to
buy this issue. No, the worst is the way those morons perverted the
plot beyond all reason just so that Baby Huey could be "resurrected!"
"It was only a dream." Phooey! I never read anything so stupid in my
life.
EUGOR THE BULGARIAN #94 [B-]:
Realistic artwork here by Red Splatters and a pretty good plot for a
sword-and-sorcery title. The hero, a large, obsessive-minded swordsman,
gets trapped in the Dungeon of Doom while hunting for treasure. In
this issue he bisects three kobolds, beheads an orc, spears a couple of
bats (don't ask me why), and at the end of the episode he's being
transfixed by a floating eye. Should be good for a lot of suspense; I
only hope it doesn't get too predictable.
CAPTAIN BUFFALO #11 [A-]:
The best thing about "Captain Buffalo" is the villains! Don't talk to
me about the Sea Hag, or Reggie van Pelt, or Isotope Feeney, or, uh,
... Bloon?? (Didn't I say something like this once before?) Anyway,
try to imagine Mudman controlling the mass media; you'll probably fail
wretchedly, but you'll have the gist of this issue. The Captain finds
out about it when he notices that the superhero cartoons that Tommy is
watching on TV are all about Mudman. A grade-A howler.
IT'S A POTATO II #1 [D+]:
I was eagerly waiting to see how the "new" It's a Potato would compare
with the original after Mili Kartoffel left Arthropod Enterprises to
help draw "Sawdust." Well, it's just barely worth the paper it's printed
on, which is made from recycled popsicle wrappers. In place of the jazzy,
free-form style Kartoffel invented, we get uninspired hack work in the
style of "Little Lulu." Not only has Robert Beast forsaken IAP's trademark
potato-block printing, he's also mutated Mr. Potato Head into an amiable,
bumbling dolt. And to top it off, he's changed his uniform again! I'm
cancelling my subscription.
WIPE YOUR BUM [D-]:
When shopping for comic books, do you ever get a "hunch?" Does an un-
familiar title ever throw a switch in your mind? If so, then you'll
know how I felt when I saw this on the rack, obscured by back issues of
"Mutt and Jeff" and "Mandrake." The price at $3.50 seemed a bit steep,
but _something_ told me, "... it's worth it!" So old Rusty dug into his
pocket, forked over, and ran home with what turned out to be an unspeak-
ably disgusting, condescending, repulsive, miserable, ... well, suffice
it to say it's by the same people who did "Wash Your Face," only even
worse. I don't see why _anybody_ would pay to be preached at, much less
to look at 32 pages of boils and hemorrhoids in full color. My advice
is, boycott it.
"Mr. Staple, thanks to your criticism I've decided to give up
drawing comic books and go into ADVERTISING!"
"Pray don't mention it, Mr. McCloud ... Everybody knows that
RUSTY STAPLE GIVES OUT ADVICE FOR NOTHING!"
--
Col. G. L. Sicherman
UU: ...{rocksvax|decvax}!sunybcs!colonel
CS: colonel@buffalo-cs
BI: csdsicher@sunyabva