al@mot.UUCP (Al Filipski) (08/03/85)
Here is a story I wrote several months ago for reasons too bizarre to
go into now. I thought it might be a suitable contribution to
help kick off net.bizarre:
(NOTE: The Kincaid readability formula predicts that the following text
can be read by someone with 3 or more years of schooling.)
(3.1 to be exact)
It was a dark and stormy night. As madman Dr. Smegma was
watching "Wheel of Fortune" on the TV with the sound off, he
heard a knock at the door. "Get that, Swamp Gas!" he yelled
to his flunky. Swamp Gas lurched over to the door. When
he opened it, they saw a dog in the doorway. "My car's
ashtrays are full." it said, "Can I use your telephone?"
Smegma said "Alas, no. You will have to spend the night."
"But you will have to sleep with his daughter." added Swamp
Gas. Dr. Smegma kicked him. "Wrong story, cretin," he
hissed to Swamp Gas as he invited the visitor in. "Swamp
Gas will get you some dry ice in colored water to drink.
You can hang your clothes on my Jacob's ladders to dry."
Smegma drooled on his shirt with glee as he spoke. At last
he could complete his work. He jumped up and ran down to
the basement. He checked the straps and electrodes on the
table as the lightning crashed overhead. Later that night,
he brought the dog to the lab and strapped it onto the
table. A hideous form lay on the other table. "They will
never laugh at Smegma again," he said. "The cosmic energy
from this dog will bring to life this homosexual communist
mutant zombie that I have built out of duct tape and cheese
whiz." When he was about to throw the big knife switch,
Smegma felt a hand on his shoulder. Swamp Gas grabbed him
and began to throttle him. "Why?" Smegma gasped. "Wheel of
Fortune, always Wheel of Fortune," said Swamp Gas. "You
never asked me if I wanted to watch Peoples' Court," he said
as he wrestled Smegma to the ground. They rolled on the
ground and the Doctor again reached for the switch. As soon
as the Doctor pulled the switch, he realized that it was the
wrong one. He had opened the trap door in the floor. There
his failed experiments lived drinking hair tonic, listening
to disco music, and carving lewd statues out of brick cheese
they bought with food stamps. He fell in and was never
heard from again. Meanwhile, Swamp Gas freed the dog and
they lived happily ever after.
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Alan Filipski, UNIX group, Motorola Microsystems, Tempe, AZ U.S.A
{seismo|ihnp4}!ut-sally!oakhill!mot!al
ucbvax!arizona!asuvax!mot!al
--------------------------------
That shelf on your living room wall is about to fall and take with it your
entire collection of 13th century chinese petrified licorice frogs. Don't
bother rushing home-- you won't make it.