thau@h-sc1.UUCP (robert thau) (07/28/85)
[Sop for the line-eater] Town Deals with Alien Donuts Roach Breath, Massachusetts. July 28 The small hamlet of Roach Breath, which was formerly isolated (to the point that nobody entered or left town during the entire 1970's) is only now beginning to cope with the peculiar problems caused by harboring political refugees. The problems are exacerbated by the fact that the refugees which have found sanctuary in the local Northeast Baptist Druidical Church are not human beings, but are in fact sugar and jelly donuts from Mars, protesting the virtual enslavement of the donuts of Mars by a master class of baked goods, which (according to the reports of the donuts) consists equally of crullers and Dim Sum. While Sanctuary is inevitably a controversial proposition, pitting church against state, and often pitting church-goer against church-goer, the Roach Breath experience got off to a particularly inauspicious beginning, as ten of the refugees were inadvertently consumed at a church potluck dinner being held in their honor. While this senseless tragedy has not been repeated, tensions still do run high on occasion. Recounts pastor Ivan Youtruck, "The children are the problem. An adult can learn that certain donuts in certain places are not to be eaten, but due to the conditioning that children receive through our media, all a child sees when looking at one of our guests is a sugared snack. I tend to see this as another diabolical aspect of the Horned King's plan to enslave the country by oversugaring food." The donuts themselves are stoic about these difficulties. Ckklkz, a Bavarian Creme donut, notes that "here, as at home, we are subject to random destruction at the hands of infantile minds. Here, however, we face better odds." However, there are problems which neither Pastor Youtruck nor the donuts themselves wish to discuss. Roach Breath has a small faction which is completely inhospitable to the donuts' point of view and to the idea of sanctuary generally. The most outspoken of these is town selectman and hog couturier Max Needlesnit. "First off," Needlesnit points out, "I don't think that separation of church and state allows the church to violate state laws. More to the point, we have only Youtruck's word that the donuts came from Mars in a giant spaceship shaped like a fryolator. Nobody else has seen the giant fryolator, and Youtruck's story that a motorcycle gang broke it up for scrap within an hour after it landed is completely unconvincing. I admit that these donuts can talk, which is unusual for donuts, or any baked goods, but I've seen no evidence that they are anything more than unusually intelligent refugees from Dunkin. If that's what they are, then they're property, evading a legally assigned fate. So this donut sanctuary business could completely undermine our capitalist system." When presented with these objections, Pastor Youtruck responded only with several unprintable comments about Needlesnit. Apparently, the donuts are divided among themselves concerning humans' mistreatment of our own native donuts. Publically, they refuse to discuss the matter, saying only that, in the words of Ckklkz, "It is not our place to criticize our hosts." Privately, some are aghast at the way we treat ours. Pastor Youtruck reports one conversation with a donut he refuses to identify: "It wasn't the idea of being killed and eaten that got to her. The crullers have been doing that for ages, and donuts are almost used to that. It's the idea of being dunked in coffee first which was the shocker. She was nauseated by the thought." On the other hand, this reporter was able to converse with a Chocolate Donut, Zzkyl, with a very different perspective. Says Zzkyl, "Terrestrial donuts aren't donuts really. They're totally subdonut. I asked one out for a movie a few weekends ago; it was the worse mistake I've made in a long time. She was completely unable to take part in an intelligent conversation, and on top of that she was ugly. Your world is just as well off without them." (At this point Zzkyl was silenced by a radical feminist Cinnamon Donut). Unfortunately, the political situation is such that the donuts are unlikely to be able to return to Mars anytime soon, and since almost no equipment on this planet is equipped for donut use, they have trouble finding work here. "There's nothing to do but sit in a cardboard box all day," Ckklkz notes, despairingly. Still, the donuts are persevering. Next week: the crullers' point of view. -- Robert Thau \ Keeper of the *FLAME* )) rst@tardis.ARPA ( ( h-sc1%thau@harvard.ARPA \\
allynh@ucbvax.ARPA (Allyn Hardyck) (07/29/85)
I can at least vouch for the often amazing longevity of donuts. I once had a standard sugar-glazed one a girl gave me in H.S. in my locker, as a small experiment in food preservation, for the whole year. Didn't get moldy at all. Sure got hard though.
mayfield@ucbvax.ARPA (Jim Mayfield) (07/29/85)
In article <9432@ucbvax.ARPA>, allynh@ucbvax.ARPA (Allyn Hardyck) writes: > I can at least vouch for the often amazing longevity of donuts. I once had > a standard sugar-glazed one a girl gave me in H.S. in my locker, as a small > experiment in food preservation, for the whole year. Didn't get moldy at > all. Sure got hard though. In college, we kept a bowl of jello with ``whipped cream'' around for an entire school year. The jello hardened into a cloudy lump, but the topping remained completely unchanged, either in consistency or color, for the duration of the experiment. Makes you wonder what it does when you eat it. - Jim Mayfield "It's a floor wax." ... "It's a dessert topping." WAIT -- You're both right. It's a floor wax AND a dessert topping!
kwlalonde@watmath.UUCP (Ken Lalonde) (07/30/85)
A Toronto video artist (Michael Snow, I think) once poured a can of standard Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Spaghetti & "Meat" Balls on the ground and took pictures of it over the next several weeks. The transformations and colour changes are pretty damned exciting. It reaches a kind of steady state after a few months, and apparently (like the donut) never decomposes.
dpn@panda.UUCP (Mark Time) (07/30/85)
I once found a Suzy-Q that was a year old. It was so stale I almost couldn't eat it. -- --Dale P. Nielsen "Well, that's all fuel under the reactor now, Mr. Time!"
andrew@grkermi.UUCP (Elmo Fopp) (07/31/85)
In article <675@panda.UUCP> dpn@panda.UUCP (Mark Time) writes: > >I once found a Suzy-Q that was a year old. > >It was so stale I almost couldn't eat it. No - vending machine food comes pre-stale from the factory! That way it doesn't get any worse in the machines!
ran@bentley.UUCP (RA Novo) (07/31/85)
Has anyone ever seen the video for "Freedom of Choice" by Devo? There's one scene in it when they all crawl out of a bunch of chocolate donuts that have fallen to the floor. Actually, the whole video is quite bizarre. -- Robert A. Novo "Captain! They put creatures AT&T Bell Labs in our ears! They made us say Piscataway, NJ things that weren't true!" ...bentley!ran
bllklly@uwmacc.UUCP (Bill Kelly) (08/01/85)
...and Ding-Dongs (Breakfast of Pinheads) don't even come with an
expiration date. They'll outlast your taco sauce.
--
Bill {allegra, ihnp4, seismo}!uwvax!uwmacc!bllklly
Kelly UW-Madison, 1210 West Dayton St., Madison WI 53706
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed
to be doing at that moment." -- Robert Benchleybarryg@sdcrdcf.UUCP (Lee Gold) (08/01/85)
New Years some while ago I got two types of egg nog: Knudsen (made with powdered milk, powdered eggs, and all kinds of preservatives) and Altadena (made with whole cream, whole eggs, and no preservatives)-- both with the same expiration date. Two weeks later I threw out the Knudsens since it had turned into an egg nog version of sour milk. The Altadena was still good a week after that-- and got drunk up. Tentative conclusion: maybe they put all those preservatives in there to insure that the food spoils. (Or alternatively maybe they use MUCH older food in stuff that's going to be made with preservatives.) --Lee Gold
cagordon@watnot.UUCP (Chris A. Gordon) (08/04/85)
In article <662@tpvax.fluke.UUCP> inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Time Cadet) writes: >*** REPLACE THIS LINE WITH YOUR MESSAGE *** > >>> I can at least vouch for the often amazing longevity of donuts. I once had >>> a standard sugar-glazed one a girl gave me in H.S. in my locker, as a small >>> experiment in food preservation, for the whole year. Didn't get moldy at >>> all. Sure got hard though. > >> In college, we kept a bowl of jello with ``whipped cream'' around for an >> entire school year. The jello hardened into a cloudy lump, but the topping >> remained completely unchanged, either in consistency or color, for the >> duration of the experiment. Makes you wonder what it does when you eat it. > >A guy I used to work with bought a sandwich from a cafeteria line -- it came >on a plate covered with Saran Wrap. When I first saw it, it was already 5 >years old, and was a continually changing micro-panorama of color. Ther was >absolutely no way of telling that the thing had once been a sandwich. In all >that time, the molds had never settled into entropy, but must have been >waging intense war for supremacy. He called it his pet, and when I left >there it was 8 years old and still going strong. All this (yuck!) talk about rotting foods reminds me of something possibly even more sick. In high school, I knew a guy who kept sandwiches in his locker. Yes, really! He would leave them there and let them get all green and moldy. I think he was a moldy sandwich collector. Anyway, I imagine his locker must have really *stunk*! However, I never wanted to get close to his locker. If I had, I probably wouldn't be alive today. -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... from the many keyboards of Chris Gordon In real life: UUCP : {decvax|utzoo|ihnp4|allegra|clyde}!watmath!watnot!cagordon CSNET : cagordon%watnot@waterloo.csnet ARPA : cagordon%watnot%waterloo.csnet@csnet-relay.arpa "I have this theory that for every man there is a woman; for every woman there is a man. So??? Where is she???" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
eric@plus5.UUCP (Eric W. Kiebler) (08/07/85)
When I was in highschool, I washed my Gym clothes once a semester whether they needed it or not. I hardly ever had to wrestle, and blind people could play bombardment when I was the target. Two guys I *really* hated bought me new clothes and set my locker on fire. I liked them after that. And then I ate a whole jar of Goop and a hairbrush and some juice from my sneakers and three little bananas that turned out to be slugs. So there. And your little dog, too. . . -- ------------------ ..!ihnp4!plus5!eric "Didn't your mom teach you to ..!ihnp4!wucs!plus5!eric wash after taking a leak?" (314) 725-9492 "No, she taught me to not piss TELEX: 910-380-9434 on my hands."