moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) (08/07/85)
[Fade-in on that monument to unreasoning censoring, The Stupid People's
Court. The courtroom is partially filled, populated by a fairly relaxed
sub-strata of the population; the cool summer air has permeated the
building, and most of the inhabitants have their feet propped up on the
seats and are reading various form so literature: the latest Stephen King
magnum opus, Dr. Ruth's five-volume text _People_I'd_Like_To_Have_Good_
_Sex_With_, "Zot!", and two billion popular periodicals with Rock Hudson on
the front. While the breeze from the open window stirs his judicial robes
(to reveal the faded jeans, brown tennis shoes and _The_Stunt_Man_ sweat
shirt beneath them), Judge Wapner Moriarty is hard at work, preserving the
status quo and making America Tolerant by getting rid of Jingo-Heads.
Let's listen in!]
JUDGE MORIARTY (Looking into a mirror and squinting up his face into a
monstrous scowl): "Lissen' up, Fool! You changed the Whopper? I
flame-broil yo' Honkey Ass! I drop Hulk Hogan on yo' mudder! I make
George Peppard feed yo' cat all his used cigars!" (sees us, straightens up
and looks sheepish). "Oh, excuse me, I got invited to participate in a
commercial enterprise (if it's good enough for Bruce Weitz...).
"Welcome, to the first Stupid People's Court taking place in it's new home
in net.bizarre. I'm posting it THIS ONCE to net.flame, just because Ken
Ardnt threatened to subscribe to the Mancester Guardian in my name
otherwise. But this is it." (Puts on dignified air, which is tough to do
at this time of day) "First off, really have to thank those of you got this
newsgroup started. Quite a few interesting articles out so far, even
though there has been a certain amount of drivel lately, mostly garbled
poetry from shell-shock victims who watched _Terms_of_Endearment_ at
double-speed on their VCRs." (Close up of Judge's half-shaven, insincere
face) "But, hey, this isn't net.flame, and everyone's view of bizarre is
different, if a bit mundane generally. I'm not turning this into another
net.flame."
"Unfortunately, not one big issue to go after this week; usually, in my
prior net-ivized trials, you've been in for one of the massively important
cases which take up a whole article. Today's a more routine, easy-going
session, with a few minor plaintiffs. Let's start with Ms. Verna
Schlockingworth, a person in advertising with a major New York agency.
Red, our baliff, is bringing her in now."
[The massive oak doors open to reveal Red escorting a red-haired woman
dressed in a Brook's Brothers' Certified Woman's Power Suit. She seems to
be coated in a type of makeup which will preserve her for future
generations to study. She is smoking like a chimney -- NOT a good idea for
getting the Judge's sympathy, let me tell you...]
JUDGE MW: "Red, bring the defendant before the bench and read the charges."
[For those of you with non-graphic terminals, Red looks awfully like Andy
Griffith]
RED: "Th' defendant is charged with blatant an' obnoxiously stupid portrayal
of women over the Television media, yer Honor."
JUDGE MW: "Thank you, Red. How do you plead, Ms. Schlockingworth?"
VERNA SCHLOCKINGWORTH: "I am COMPLETELY innocent. My only crime is that I
have furthered the cause for women everywhere with
my commercials."
JUDGE MW: "And made a 100 K salary annually at it, I might add."
VERNA S: "This is AMERICA, your honor! If I can make some small
contribution to my own financial security while fighting for
equal rights everywhere, all the better."
JUDGE MW: "Which explains your portfolio of South African gold
certificates... Ms. Schlockingworth, are you responsible for
the detergent ads populating the market showing women leaving
their homes for other jobs, capped by the slogan `That's a
change for the better!'?"
VERNA S: "Yes, these ads were my brainchildren. Certainly you don't see
anything wrong with women in positions of responsibility, your
Honor?"
JUDGE MW: "Of course not -- any individual should not hindered from an
occupation they wish to participate in due to race, sex or
religion. The increase of women in the marketplace is one of
the best things to happen to this country in the last decade.
However, I have yet to see one commercial where being a
housewife is not considered a 'change for the worse'. I can think
of few jobs that take more patience, hard work and talent than that
of person (man or woman) staying home and taking care of a house
and their children. Why don't any of your commercials provide
an example of a woman staying at home who is leading a positive,
productive life?"
VERNA S: "But your Honor, housework is so, so... dull! People want to see
examples of how their lives will change if they drop whatever
they're doing now and try a new, fashionable lifestyle. And our
product, of course."
JUDGE MW: "And staying home and raising children, by anyone, is not
fashionable?"
VERNA S: "Oh, your honor, it's passe. Why, just look at our latest ad!"
[The SPC big screen television, usually used for major sporting events like
Hydroplane racing and Pro Wrestling winks on. A naked woman, laying on
her back on a squeeky bed, fills the screen. We know the bed is squeeky
due to the 200 lb. overweight man leaping up and down on her in the
foreground.]
WOMAN: "In the old days, I used to put out only for my hubbie, Larry."
[Scene changes to Broadway & 52nd Street in New York. Same women is
dressed up in garish high heels, fish net stockings, an extremely short
skirt and tight vinyl blouse, and is wearing fifty pounds of makeup.
Several Cadillacs are vying to pull up next to her before the others.]
WOMAN: "Now I turn tricks on a professional basis! That's a change for
the better!"
[TV goes out]
VERNA S: "So, your honor, you can see how child-raising is work fit for
only the inferior mental stock of our civilization."
JUDGE MW: "Inferior mental stock, hmmm?" (Special effects put that familiar
maniacal gleem in his eyes) "Well, if that's true, than you
should have no problem with the sentence I'm about to deliver to
you, as you are obviously gifted with a IQ significantly higher
than those you hold in disdain. You will be given one slightly
moldy Hostess Ding-Dong, and led into one of the side chambers.
In it you will find 35 panting Cub Scouts who haven't made a
trip to the 7-11 in 24 hours and are desperate for Junk Food. You
must divide the Ding Dong amongst them." (Tosses her the
heavenly Hostess confection) "Have fun -- this shouldn't be a
challenge."
VERNA S: "Bu-but I have a 1:00 lunch with Stephen Cannell about an A-Team
Tie in with our Harlequin Romance contract! You can't do this
to meeeeeEEEEEEE!!!!!"
[Red grabs her by the hand and drags her towards the door]
RED: "Now, Mahm, you just don't worry none. Aunt Bee used to handle
this every week with no problem t'all -- she'd just told Opey
she'd have Gomer sing if he was bad..."
[Side door to court is opened and Ms. Schlockingworth is tossed in.
Unseen by our eyes, a mighty cry goes up as the door is closed on this
case.]
MANY YOUNG MALE VOICES: "SUGAR!"
ONE YOUNG MALE VOICE: "NUTRA-SWEET!"
ONE YOUNG MALE VOICE: "SKIPPY PEANUT BUTTER!"
ONE OLDER, RANDY VOICE: "ANNETTE FUNNICELLO!"
[Back to the bench]
JUDGE MW: "Thanks, Red. Oh, before leaving today, one case that has been
brought to my attention...."
[Camera backs up to show every Major League baseball player and his
agent(s) in the defendant stand.]
JUDGE MW: "I've been asked to arbitrate in the Baseball Strike that
started today. However, since I have no interest whatever in
Baseball (only softball, and then in the Fluke DSP team), I am
turning negotiations over to Col. Rufus E. Flintgritter, known
to some of you through his articles in "Soldier of Fortune".
[Judge Moriarty walks offstage as a grim, white-haired man in combat
fatigues enters the court. Muttering "Goddamn Pinkos" under his breath,
he breaks the silence of the courtroom as he jams a magazine of
armor-piercing bullets into his modified Uzi rapid-fire machine gun. A
low "Whooooooo" rises up from the collected masses in the defendant stand
as Bob Eucker walks in from stage left]
BOB E: "Say, this must be the place they're having the banquet in my
honor!"
[Camera fades out as the Col. assumes attack mode (in the interests of our
younger viewers...]
ANNOUNCER: "PRO BASEBALL DEMANDS! EVERYTHING YOU WANTED FROM AN OWNER...
AND LESS!"
SFX: "BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM...."
--------
If you've got a problem, don't take it to the net. Take it to court.
****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
Judge Moriarty Wapner
Stupid People's Court
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