trudel@topaz.RUTGERS.EDU (Jon) (08/08/85)
A man in a purple flannel suit sat patiently at a bus stop. He looked
at his watch, again, and yet again. No one yet, he thought.
After a long while, a car pulled up, a small man was tossed out, and
the car sped off. Brushing off him jacket, he shook his fist and shouted,
"that's the last time I pay in Canadian dollars!!" He looked around, and spoke
to the seated man, "Ah, I see I'm not the first. Excellent. Someone else
who needs answers. I'm going to ask him why I'm always one of the first to
arrive. I'll bet he knows." "He should," the seated man said. "Let's wait
a while."
Some time later, a man and a woman walked up. As they approached, the
two people waiting could hear "-green, but only if the eels are willing! Har,
har, that's my favorite! Oh hello there," the woman said to the two seated
men, "are you waiting too? Isn't this exciting? At last, I'll know why
people think I'm such a bore. Oh, wake up, will you! He'll be upset if
he catches you napping!" The small man said, "I'm sure he'll arise when the
time comes. Besides, he's been here for a long time. Anyhow, sir, what are
YOU going to ask? You seem happy enough." Sir replied "I wanted to know
why it seems that it never rains in California, but man, it pours." "Hmmm,
you got me", said the first man as he rose, "I always liked Pizza myself.
Where is it?"
No sooner had he said it when a guy on a surf board scooted by,
carrying a square box. "Here it is, that'll be $7.50. Oh wow, you guys
waiting for that guy? I've always wanted to know why you can't make
Sicilian pizzas round. I'll wait a while to see if he'll know." So
the pizza guy parked his board, and plunked a nickel into the meter, and
waited.
What seemed like weeks later, a man ran up, huffing, and puffing.
The woman asked "What's the rush? He'll get to us all." "I know, but there
was this...Oh never mind. I just want to ask him If I had put a hundreth of
a mole (6.02x10^10) atoms of plutonium in my coffee instead of a teaspoon of
sugar, would the mist have reached critical mass and exploded, thus ruining
the entire east coast of America?" "Ooh, I like science," the small man
exclaimed. "and he'll know that one for sure. I like to see him think
about things I don't know. It's a shame that we can only ask one question
at a time. There's so much I want to know." All of a sudden, the woman
screamed "LOOK! It's a 7 foot leather bound cucumber, and it's coming this
way!" The last man to arrive turned and ran, and his last words were "See
ya." "Now he'll never know," the man who came with the lady said. "what
a shame."
Nine hours later, the total number of people had grown to 30. All
were excited and patiently waiting for him to arrive. There were some whiny
brats, that wanted to go home, but their parents wouldn't let them. "Just
think, this way we'll get more answers," their parents said greedily. "We'll
be the toast of Lodi if we wait just a little longer". A blind man wanted
to know what to do in order to see. A trucker wanted to know how to be
president of China. Broke Sheelds wanted to know if she'd ever be thought
of as a real star. Time dragged on...and on...and on...
The trucker was the first real dissenter. "Dis is boorihn' I'm going
home to watch Albanian midget jello-volley-ball wrestling on my MTV. Anyone
wanna suck down a few Pabstsbsts wid' me?" Two pekinese followed him.
The small man stayed. The pizza guy was too stoned to move. The couple
were leaning on a No Standing Zone sign, ticketed. Almost all of the others
decided to go. They'd waited long enough. A little girl, who looked like
she'd been playing a little too much with mustard jelly sandwiches asked the
first man "Mister, who are we waiting for?" "Me." he said, and the girl popped
away in a flash of light. The others were stunned.
The couple spoke simultaneously, "Then why didn't you tell us?"
"Because you never asked me." Pop, pop they went. The small man "Well, then.
Can I ask you my question?" "No, you get only one." Pop. The man who ran
away before came back, and hid behind the surf board. The 7 ft tall cucumber,
now dressed like Robin Hood, broke through the crowd, and asked the first
man, "Where is he?" "Behind the surf board," he said, and the cucumber
vanished. The running man emerged from behind the board, and said to the first
man, "Great. Thanks a million. How can I repay you?" "You can't." Pop.
After seeing all of this, the other people got wise, and started asking
their questions. The blind man stepped up, and stated, "Well, those people
sure weren't prepared. Now, on to my question...Let me see, how can I phrase
this?" "What do I have to do to see?" Pop. For a while, none of the other
people approached, not knowing what to say. Eventually, Broke Sheelds asked
the man, "will I ever be considered a real star?" "No." Pop. A few got
their questions answered, but not the way they wanted. "What happens to the
people after you answer their questions?" asked a 37 year old houswife from
Minneapolis. "Nothing, they're sent to their homes." Pop. Finally, the only
one left was the pizza guy, who was too stoned to say anything previously.
He finally stumbled over and declared, "Wow, man. You seem to have all the
answers. Can I have your job?" "Yeah, I was getting bored anyway. No
challenge in it for the most part. Well, congratulations. You are now the
man with all the answers. How does it feel?" "Wonderful, I can see it all
clearly now. Thank you." Pop.
The pizza guy looked around. There was noone else around. He hopped
on his surf board, and went back to work. "Where have you been? It's been
days!" "Oh, I just found all the answers." There was a flash, but the boss
stayed where he was. You see, he worked out of his home. The pizza guy
smiled, and thought to himself I'm going to like my job.
Moral of the story:
If you need an answer, order a pizza, and ask the delivery person.
--
Jonathan D. Trudel
arpa:trudel@ru-blue.arpa
uucp:{seismo,allegra,ihnp4}!topaz!trudel
"You can't fight in here, this is the WAR ROOM!"trudel@topaz.RUTGERS.EDU (Jon) (08/09/85)
I forgot to add the cast of characters:
The first man: Alfred Hitchcock
The small guy: Herve Villeschaiz {sp is wrong, I know}
The couple: Stiller and Meara
The pizza guy: Sean Penn
The Fugitive Guy: T. P. Brisco
The Cucumber: Himself {care of Cucumber Heaven, ltd.}
The little girl: Amy Carter
The trucker: Jack {the one and only} Nicholson
--
Jonathan D. Trudel
arpa:trudel@ru-blue.arpa
uucp:{seismo,allegra,ihnp4}!topaz!trudel
"You can't fight in here, this is the WAR ROOM!"