William M. Tatun @ Brookhaven National Labortory@bnl44.UUCP (William M. Tatun @ Brookhaven National Labortory) (08/23/85)
From daemon Mon Aug 12 00:32:08 1985 Status: R >From philabs!mcnc!duke!phs!paul Sun Aug 11 21:54:47 1985 remote from sbcs Received: by sbcs.csdept (4.12/4.7) id AA04410; Sun, 11 Aug 85 21:54:47 edt Received: by philabs.uucp (4.12/3.14) id AA16928; Sat, 10 Aug 85 22:03:49 edt Return-Path: <philabs!mcnc!duke!phs!paul> Received: from mcnc by pepe (4.12/4.7) id AA28481; Sat, 10 Aug 85 13:27:29 edt From: <sbcs!philabs!mcnc!duke!phs!paul> Received: by mcnc (4.12/4.7) id AA14931; Sat, 10 Aug 85 13:27:59 edt Date: Sat, 10 Aug 85 13:27:59 edt Message-Id: <8508101727.AA14931@mcnc> To: duke!mcnc!philabs!sbcs!bnl44!bt To: duke!mcnc!philabs!sbcs!bnl44!bt Subject: Re: Bizarre Contest?!?!? References: <992@bnl44.UUCP> Probably not in the top 10 of bizarre, but short and funny and even bizarre: From National Review, 8/23/85: "Deadpan-of-the-Year Award to Ted Turner. When asked to discuss the aftermath of a nuclear conflict, he thought a while, then commented: `Nuclear war would really set back cable.'" Regards, Paul Dolber (duke!phs!paul). From daemon Tue Aug 20 17:07:39 1985 Status: R >From philabs!linus!utzoo!utcs!jimb Mon Aug 19 00:40:02 1985 remote from sbcs Received: by sbcs.csdept (4.12/4.7) id AA20651; Mon, 19 Aug 85 00:40:02 edt Received: by philabs.uucp (4.12/3.14) id AA14838; Fri, 16 Aug 85 03:17:15 edt Return-Path: <philabs!linus!utzoo!utcs!jimb> Received: by linus.UUCP (4.12/4.7) id AA12293; Thu, 15 Aug 85 07:52:47 edt Message-Id: <8508151152.AA12293@linus.UUCP> Received: by utcs.UUCP (4.24/4.7) id AA03533; Wed, 14 Aug 85 15:15:51 edt Date: Wed, 14 Aug 85 15:15:51 edt From: sbcs!philabs!linus!utcs!jimb (Jim Bailey) To: utzoo!linus!philabs!sbcs!bnl44!bt I was about to post this to the net, but when I read about the contest it seemed like the perfect candidate. Unfortunately, I cannot claim originality, but it did require editing (mainly formatting and spelling corrections - although some have been kept in their original form to preserve bizarreness). Hope you enjoy it! The following was found on a notice board in the Engineering Annex, University of Toronto sometime in December 1982. It has been edited by James A. Bailey. I am the fish of all fish. The squid of all squid. I am the seafood to all nations. I am SQUID. I also happen to know that all mackerels cannot dance at all. Praise be to SQUID on high, my guiding light and saviour from the evil TURBOT. Who can save us? Only the magnanimous SQUID PATROL. Halleluja! Nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti. Holy SQUID, father of BRUNO, blessed art thou among fish, and the fruit of thy womb, FEEDBACK. Amen. Do what you want, but don't call me MOLLUSC. Why you can call me FLOUNDER, or you can call me ANTHRAX, or you can call me CORNELIUS, HOLDER OF THE BANANA but don't call me MOLLUSC. Say what you want, but don't say "wallizxinbinhitrujlomngingquacksnablittyabingbing" all in one breath. These are the words to be said in one breath: 1.zungist 2.rinliz 3.buzzard-baloney (only in an emergency, of course) 4.raxmuxnix 5.laerec-narb 6.customer self dialed direct 7.quiskblin 8.weedeedeedeedee 9.puh 10.splinph 11.estfropoytrigutttechdolexia 12.azimuth All other words should be said in a series of breaths and gasps, for it is written: 'All other words should be said in a series of breaths and gasps'. OH,HO,OH,HO. Answer: OH, HOLY PIG (spiritus porci sancti)! The SQUID PATROL is on my side, and I shall not be lonely for evermore. The breath of my mother the car shall feed my soul, and as such I shall feed my peers, through them I shall gain comfortable shoes to share with them, my friends, and even the obese Papaioannou with the knowledge and depth of my being. Long live SQUID, Deity of All Who Breath That Wet Stuff. STINKY is keen. So Keen. So amazingly keen that he transcends the bounds of keendom. He is so outrageously keen, especially in the Holy field of the all hallowed ROLLER DERBY, that even the Holy SQUID, God of all who speak with accents and cannot pronounce the letter 'b'(as in cat), fears, and sees his tenuous hold on the highest position in the hierarchy threatened by the presence of this rising young upstart, this novice, this young polliwog with no experience, yet the inherent knowledge of an expert. Let us pray for SQUID, that he may somehow retain his status, and keep order and stability in the world as we know it, especially in these days of troubled sorrow and tears and crying and thorns and rabbits and those sort of tapered woven straw containers with those little attachments that fit into similar petal-like arrangements. AMEN. BLOD. {This is not English. Possibly Hungarian or Tswana?} BEAN. FRAZNIGGLE. Page 2 Who's got doughnuts? Yes it is true that doughnuts are the key to the future. Whoever controls doughnuts controls the world, said a famous politician of the Pleistocene Era. But it was not always this way. A long time ago, doughnuts did not have nearly the prestige that they are given today. Now the doughnut stands head and shoulders above all the other sundry pastries such as butter tarts, muffins, scones and baklava. MMM, I'm getting hungry. Yes Virginia, there is a free lunch. We are eating it now. Can I get you a napkin? What's the world coming to when everyone considers himself an expert on the Plastocene Era. Ah, Balaklava, I remember it well. That's where the valiant Light Bridge charged the vicious cossacks and went on to eternal glory. Aye, vicar, 'tis true I remember Balaklove. All mimsy were the Balakloves. That's when they weren't outside grabing, you see. 'Tis I, the master of all scenery, the one of Heaven and Earth. See the world through rosy eyes, and know not of its worth. The world can make, the world can break, the heart of the lonely sole, But see the world through bloodshot eyes and I'll find you a hairy hole. If you feel the warmth and strength when you're weary and flustered, Just edit again, compile, (AMEN) and cover me with mustard. Once there was a lonely squid, he wallowed by the beach A fisherman threw out his bait, but threw it out of reach The lonely squid said, "Food for thought! I must pursue this meal!" The bait was not the food he sought, it really was just Neil! The squid swam home, all alone, and really felt dejected. He swam too close to a motorboat and got himself dissected. The SQUID: God of all slime, Oh Wonderous Goop. Be as you may slippery, hold unto us, or spurt between our fingers when we try to crush the life from your soft frame. Lettuce c-u-p. The dawn of the past is the death of the last. The beginning must end something. Turn that all-mighty beat around. AMEN. Squid dah dee do dah Squid dah dee yea Wonderful feeling, Wonderful day. Squid dah dee do dah Squid dah dee yea My, oh my, What a dumb thing to say. Wish I were a rich squid, didle deedle didle deedle didle deedle didle dum When all else has faded into dust, When palaces and pyramids have fallen, The omnipresent squid will be forgotten, And life and time will disappear from earth's face. As the dust settles, see our dreams, e-e-e-eems, see it all coming true, it all depends on you. Page 3 And as we near the festive season Give hearts more judgement than pure reason Live in fullness and in joy In every squid and girl and buoy We give the gift that makes us whole And keeps Renaldo the Wonder Ostrich off the dole To make our faces smile with pride And give us warmth for our insides To quell the hunger in our bellies To make Stinky not so smelly >From squid and plankton hear the call A Merry Christmas to one and all!!! S. Claus (c. 1879) Concerning Advances Toward Seafood: Be-Bop-Beluga, she's MY baby. While there is such a great concern about seafood, I would like to make a small but necessary comment on the desrtructive tendencies of non-halitosic intra-fuguous impartial gonadial-based bipedi-uvulaed hormonal deviation from the standard recorded norm as stated in the book of norms, and wonder for a while why life exists to serve a handful of bionically altered pseudo-fish. Dont deny it! You all know its true! There have been many incidents of government coverups of millions of money going into research of bionically altered pseudo-fish! They can't keep it a secret any longer. Three times I have been kidnapped and sent to mental hospitals in inaccessible places throughout the underdeveloped world, but each time I have escaped to bring fear into the hearts of the conspiracy which is spending your tax money to the betterment of bionically-altered pseudo-fish. But this may be my last chance. This time they are close on my trail and can legally put me away since publication of my paper "The destructive tendencies of non-halitosic intra-fuguous impartial gonadial-based bipedi-uvulaed hormonal deviations from the standard recorded norm as stated in the book of norms". I think they are at the door. Save the world from super-fish. PLEASE DISREGARD PREVIOUS MESSAGE -- THE F.B.I. PLEASE DIREGARD PREVIOUS MESSAGE CONCERNING PREVIOUS MESSAGE -- 'BIFF' SMITH, THE GIANT GERBIL There is a tale written in runes of old that once there did exist hormonal deviates of bipedi-uvulaed gonadial-based bionically altered pseudofish. In this tale it is said that those who were once human used to be of monotreme extraction and all were software keen. Now the people are non-uvulaed bipedal creatures with no idea of what I am talking about. Love and Kisses, Archibald Frunobulax (M.N.U.B.C.) [1] P.S.: Those citizens who questioned, those suspect harbourers of doubt were brought before a panel of the Ministry of Page 4 Pseudo-Bionic Alteration. They were tested, and encephalogrammed until rendered quite insane, when, in accordance with the law, they received bulbous nasal protuberances. [1] Member, Non-Uvulaed Bipedal Creatures A-hem, my theory is as follows. The theory which is mine, is mine. My theory, which is mine, is as follows. A-hem. The ancient runes also mentioned a mysterious race, known far and wide for their short whiskers and roughly textured tails but other than that completely mysterious, the Bandicoots. Though lacking in those amenities which we take for granted today, such as intelligence or even linoleum, they were able to rise out of the quagmire of lesser academia which surrounded them, going on to elucidate humble, hapless squidfolk as to the intricacies of networks. A-hem. In part 2 of this series, I will conclude this thrilling tale of revolutionary fervour. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Those Bandicoots. Well, as I was sayin', from four corners of the globe, from all seven seas, or at least a subset thereof, denizens of the deep flocked to the aid of their worthy multi-membered friends. Using ink of their own making, squid and squid alike drew up petitions, delivered leaflets and organized yet another round of media kiblitzing. Their effort was NOT in vain. Oh, no! Prithee, hark. The forces of the Bandicoots, themselves minions of the incredibly heinous StinkDink Corporation, were dispersed. From that day to this, squids have lived in relative luxury, enjoying coherent lectures, delivered in mellifluous tones rather than the piercing shriek they had formerly endured. And so it goes. Anonymous Jim Bailey University of Toronto Computing Services