barth@tellab1.UUCP (Barth Richards) (08/27/85)
Part 2 of a continuing series of liner notes
from bootleg albums produced by
The Amazing Kornyfone Record Label.
Revalations From The Very Middle
BACK ON THAT COLD WINTER EVENING OF APRIL 1, 1796 WHEN A BLESSED EVENT BEFELL
AN OTHERWISE AUSTERE AMERICAN HOUSEHOLD, THE PROUD MOTHER KNEW HER SON WOULD,
AS SHE LATER RECALLED, "GO ON TO DO SOMETHING ROUND." HOW TRUE THESE SIMPLE
WORDS WERE AND LITTLE IN FACT DID SHE REALISE THAT THE PRODUCT OF HER
INDESCRETION WITH HER LIFELONG GAS READER METER MAN WOULD, MANY YEARS HENCE,
BECOME THE TITULAR HEAD OF THE WORLD'S MOST BIGGEST IMAGINARY RECORDING
ORGANIZATION: FONOGRAM.
OVER THE YEARS OF FONOGRAM'S INITIAL DEVELOPEMENT, THINGS WERE NOT ALWAYS
CHEESEBURGERS AND CHOCOLATE TRIPLE-THICK SHAKES. IT WAS VERY ROUGH IN THE
BEGINNING, FOR UNTIL ANOTHER AMERICAN NAMED EDISON INVENTED AND MARKETED
THE PHONOGRAPH, FONOGRAM SUFFERED INCREDULOUS LOSSES FROM LACK OF PRODUCT
SALES. FONOGRAM'S SEVEN, NINE, TWELVE, AND EIGHTEEN INCH DISCS WERE ALL BOXED
AND LAYING ABOUT BUT FILLING WAREHOUSE SPACE AND PRECIOUS LITTLE ELSE.
HOWEVER HAVING HAD VIOLENT PREMONITIONS THAT A DEVICE CALLED AN 'AUTOMOBILE'
WOULD BE PERFECTED BEFORE THE MUCH-NEEDED PHONOGRAPH WOULD BE, DR. TERRENCE
H. "TELLY" FONE SECLUDED HIMSELF IN HIS SECRET BASEMENT LABORATORY TO ONCE
AGAIN PONDER HIS DELICATE SITUATION. IT WAS APPARENTLY ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
FATEFUL FRIDAYS, FOR WHILE ATTEMPTING TO BREW SOME VERY WEAK TEA, TERRENCE
ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED SOME NINE INCH FONOGRAM DISCS INTO A BOILING CAULDRON
HIS TEA BAGS HAD JUST BEEN REMOVED FROM. (HISTORIANS HAVE OFT DEBATED THE
TITLES OF THE INADVERTENTLY SUBMERGED RECORDS AND IT HAS RECENTLY BEEN
CONCLUDED THAT THE DUNKED DISCS WERE THOSE OF A "STEP TSEB." APPARENTLY
MR. TSEB WAS, AT THE TIME, A VERY REKNOWNED INDIAN INSTRUCTION YODEL ARTIST
WHO HAD TURNED PROFESSIONAL FOR THE ENDORSEMENT MONEY AVAILABLE.) TERRENCE
CONTINUED TO PUTTER AROUND THE LAB UNTIL HE NOTICED THIS BLACK GOOEY SUBSTANCE
OOZING INTO THE HOT WATER WHERE TWO HOURS AGO HIS TEA BAGS HAD BEEN. HE
GRABBED HIS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS-HANDLED SPOON AND TASTED THIS ODD GOO--HE FOUND
IT HAD A VERY, VERY VILE TASTE NOT TOO UNLIKE THAT ONE HE REMEMBERED FROM
WHEN HE WAS A CHILD AND CONSUMED A PLATE OF BAKED BALOONS AND CARDBOARD
ON A DARE. TERRENCE REASONED THAT IF RUBBER BANDS COULD MAKE NEIGHBORHOOD
FLIGHT POSSIBLE, WHY COULDN'T THIS STUFF POWER AN AUTOMOBILE, WHATEVER THAT
WAS GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE ANYWAY. "IT TASTES LIKE PETROL TO ME" HE
PROPHETICALLY UTTERED.
YES, EVEN BEFORE HE HAD EVEN BEGUN TO WORK ON THE PROBLEM, DR. TERRENCE H.
"TELLY" FONE FOUND THE ANSWER WAS THERE. HIS MINDLESS BUT DECISIVELY
SCIENTIFIC METHODS HAD AGAIN PREVAILED AND FOR MANY YEARS LATER THE ENTIRE
FORCE OF THE FONOGRAM MACHINE WAS USED IN TURNING THE VAST STOREHOUSE OF ROUND
EXCESS ELECTRORECITATIONS INTO PRECIOUS OIL FOR GASOLENE. AND AS WE KNOW, WHEN
THE FIRST AUTOMOBILES WERE INDEED INTRODUCED ON THE MARKET IT WAS THE FONOCO
FAMILY OF GAS STATIONS THAT OFFERED AMERICA ITS FIRST SWALLOW OF THE MUCH
NEEDED FUEL. IT WAS YET ANOTHER TRIUMPH UNDER DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE'S
EVER-WIDENING, ALTHOUGH UNFASTENED BELT. BUT BEST OF ALL, THE REVENUE GENERATED
FROM THE GASOLENE SALES SAVED THE FONOGRAM FAMILY FROM AN EARLY DEMISE TO KEEP
IT LIVING FOR ALL TODAY. HOW IRONIC IT IS NOW, THAT THE ENTIRE, THEN DECLINING,
FONOCO CHAIN WAS SOLD IN 1907 TO A VISITING MIDDLE EASTERN DIPLOMAT, UNABLE
TO BUY THE AS-YET-TO-BE-CONSTRUCTED BROOKLYN BRIDGE. BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY
ENTIRELY.
BUT CITIZEN DO LOOK AROUND. EVEN IN OUR TROUBLED AND UPSET WORLD, THE DR.
TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE/FONOCO METHOD OF PATENTED GASOLENE AQUISITION IS
UTILIZED WORLDWIDE AMONG EVERY NATION'S LARGEST ENERGY CORPORATIONS. THIS, OF
COURSE, EXPLAINS THE PRESENT SEE-SAW AVAILABILITY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN RECORDED
WORKS OF ART AND GOLDEN PETROL FOR TODAY'S CAR OF TOMORROW. AND LOOK AGAIN
CITIZEN TO SEE THAT EVEN TODAY, MOST OF THE MAJOR RECORD COMPANIES ARE WHOLLY
OWNED AND OPERATED BY FACELESS OIL CONGLOMERATES EXACTLY IMITATING THE ORIGINAL
FONOCO/FONOGRAM ORGANIZATION.
WE ALL HAVE A GREAT DEAL TO THANK DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE FOR AND HAD IT
NOT BEEN FOR HIS VISITING NIECE'S ODD PENCHANTS THAT WARM COZY EVENING IN 1882
PREDICATING DR. FONE'S MORALS CONVICTION FOUR MONTHS LATER HE WOULD EASILY
STILL BE ON THE TWO DOLLAR BILL TODAY. BUT AS HIS AUNT CORNELIA USED TO SAY
"SELF POLLUTION IS THE DEVIL'S PHONEBOOTH." AND, BOW HOWDY, IN THE END, WASN'T
SHE RIGHT?
DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE HAS IN NO WAY FORGOTTEN HIS SOCIAL
RESPONSIBILITIES OVER THE DECADES AND STILL TODAY REPLIES PERSONALLY TO ALL
LETTERS SENT TO HIM AT THIS ADDRESS:
DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE
FONOGRAM TOWERS
1600 GRAND AVENUE OF THE KORNYFONES
ANYTOWN, U.S.A.
THOSE VISITING THE ANYTOWN AREA ARE INVITED TO VISIT THE TOWERS AND TAKE A
FOURTY-FIVE MINUTE GUIDED TOUR OF THE ENTIRE CORPORATE PLASTIC FACILITY,
PERSONALLY CONDUCTED BY DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE'S CHARMING WIFE, PRINCESS.
"IT'S A TOUR WITH FAMILY IN MIND FROM BEHIND" SAYS THE CUTE AND WILLING MEMBER
OF THE DISTAFF SIDE AND WIFE OF THREE MONTHS.
The AMAZING KORNYFONE Record Label
Ask for it by name
______________________
| |
|Accept No Substitute|
|____________________|
<Completely playable in your very home at
33 1/3 R.P.M. on any electric hifidelograph.>
LINER TWO OF A SERIES
If you thought this and the preceeding installment were weird, wait until the
next one.
Barth Richards
Corporate Communications
Tellabs, Lisle, IL
"Memories are the refuse of my mind."
-The Dark
"Banana slugs have feelings too,
ya know."
-An Idiot
"Why not have a seance? Why not go mad?"
-Ford Prefect
"Time is an illusion,
lunchtime doubly so."
-ibid
"One thing is for certain, a sheep is not
a creature of the air....Notice they do
not so much fly as plummet."
-Monty Python