moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Judge Moriarty Wapner) (09/09/85)
[SETTING: Well, once again we open up to one of the most fashionable
courtrooms anywhere in America... winner of the Good Housekeeping
Seal of Approval, the Vogue Style in Jurisprudence award, and the
Florence Henderson "High on Life, Wesson, and a dab of Cocaine"
life achievement presentation, it's STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT.
A fairly large crowd is gathering in the courtroom, removing
panchos, infantry helmets, and other Seattle raingear from their
shoulders. Judge Moriarty Wapner, reading the September IEEE
Spectrum publication and valiantly searching for his name, is
awaiting his first case for the day. Let's listen in!]
BAILIFF: Order in the court, order in the court. A brief announcement
from Judge Moriarty will precede this case.
[Hush falls over the courtroom]
JUDGE MW: What you are about to see is an instance of unavoidable
necessity.
Most of the cases I try in this court are those which result in
retribution for those minor inconveniences we all run into in our
daily lives. Reasonable folk, like you, your spouse, and Jeff
Meyer, put up with these annoyances (and the people who cause
them) as a fact of life -- part and parcel of a civilized
existence. My job is to occasionally bring the offenders to
light and give them something to remember their venal actions by.
Rarely, however, are those in the public eye arrested and
brought, kicking and screaming, into the Stupid People's Court.
Most politicians, executives and big-name movie stars have the
sense to keep the more revolting aspects of their personalities
out of the media, and thus out of my jurisdiction. However, this
last week has resulted in an act so conspicuous in its repugnancy
that the perpetrator, who has a stunningly long record of
previous Stupid offenses, has been brought before this court to
answer for his actions. Several of you may consider this an
example of tilting at straw windmills, or kicking an extremely
easy target. Yes, it's NOT challenging work, but somebody has to
do it, easy target or no.
Red, has the special Stupid People's Court Security Measure 1-A
been enforced for the defendant prior to the trial?
BAILIFF: Yes, sir, your honor; the SPC 1-A Escort team is waiting outside
to bring him in.
JUDGE MW: Then have them do so at this time.
BAILIFF (in thundering voice): Court will now convene for the case of Stupid
People's Court vs. "the Reverend" Jerry Falwell.
[The twin oak doors of SPC (decorated with Latin proverbs, Elvish runes and
quotes from Moriarty's sign-off list collection) seem to snap open
indignantly as eight uniformed men, wearing policemen's garb and wearing
Bozo the Clown masks, carry a tubby, red-faced man to the center of the
court. The defendant is wearing a 10-C-note, conservatively-cut suit, and
has the wary look of a lawyer attempting to defend the manufacturers of the
Dalcon Shield. In one synchronized motion, the masked guards plop their
burden into the defendant's box, do an abrupt about-face, and exit the
courtroom, closing the massive doors behind them.]
JUDGE MW: Good afternoon, Mr. Falwell. Welcome to Stupid People's Court.
REV. JERRY: What? The Court of Last Resort!? But I thought I was being
taken to an episode of "This is Your Life!"!
JUDGE MW: Due to the number of rather fanatical buffoons who follow your
every word as if it made up the Foreword to The Bible, I
realized we would have to use stealth, trickery, and SPC's 1-A
crack security team of The World's Most Famous Clowns. But,
enough of this court's techniques...
REV. JERRY: Praise the Lord!
JUDGE MW: Mr. Falwell, let me explain how lucky you are. Today, we are
trying you for your statements pertaining to the situation in
South Africa. If not for the necessity of brevity in this
court's docket, we would be more than happy to review your past
comments for examination. Your interpretation of the scriptures
in a manner suggesting that if Jesus were walking the Earth
today, he'd be a member of the N.R.A. seems... somewhat
contrived. Your intimation that the terrible disease A.I.D.S.
is a plague from God upon homosexuals is perhaps the most cruel,
heartless and revolting thing I have heard in the last two
years.
REV. JERRY: Praise the Lord!
JUDGE MW: However, your little junket into South Africa is the matter to
be considered today. While your observations that South Africa
has made huge advances in the way of civil rights seem
ludicrous, others in our government seem to share your views,
and since I have not seen these conditions first hand, I do not
feel up to prosecuting you on this point...
REV. JERRY: Praise Ronnie!
JUDGE MW: Shut up. However, while interpretation of current events may be
due to a difference of opinions, the court would VERY MUCH like
to have the reasoning behind your claim that all good Christians
should support the government of South Africa through financial
methods.
REV. JERRY [His voice becoming pompous and oratorical]:
It is in the interest of every good Christian to be a Good
Samaritan. The Good Samaritan contributes his time and money to
other people less fortunate than himself; he finances those who
need aid. For, are we not all brothers in the eyes of God?
JUDGE MW: Even if those less fortunate people are making a living by
exploiting their even less fortunate brothers?
REV. JERRY [Laughing merrily]: But, your honor! I've been there, and they
ARE like a group of brothers! The white South African
government is an older brother for its less developed black
younger brother! Why, you couldn't find a more supportive
family structure anywhere in the world!
JUDGE MW [Looking bored and cynical -- a dangerous sign for the defendant]:
Just like The Cleavers, huh?
REV. JERRY [Claps his hands in exultation]: Precisely, your honor! What an
apt metaphor! And we, the citizens of the United States, are
the "Wards" of these cheerful brothers! [begins chuckling at his
own pun] It is our job to encourage these boys, put them
through school, make sure they don't have any nasty social
habits, and that they keep the faith (not necessarily in that
order...).
JUDGE MW: Shouldn't our responsibilities extend to keeping Wally from
repeatedly kicking The Beav in the ribs?
REV. JERRY: Well, we like to think he's just going through a phase. He'll
grow out of it...
JUDGE MW [explodes]: Maybe the Soviets will, too, but I don't see you
suggesting all good Christians invest in Russian wheat futures!
REV. JERRY [aghast]: But, your honor, they're not CHRISTIANS!
JUDGE MW: And?...
REV. JERRY: And they're COMMIES!!
JUDGE MW: And?...
REV. JERRY [fidgeting]: And they've been at it longer than the South African
government...
JUDGE MW: And?...
REV. JERRY [looks both ways, and then approaches the bench, and addresses
Judge Moriarty in a whisper]:
And they're not in a position to support my church with
non-profit donations...
JUDGE MW [Sighs]: I suspected as much. Return to your box for sentencing.
The Stupid People's Court finds you guilty of being a
near-criminal conniver, of using a group of demented jackasses to
further your own political views, and of putting Jesse Helms to
shame in the moronic "moral" views department.
REV. JERRY [his nose in a 45-degree incline, his voice in martyr-mode]:
Well, I *GUESS* I shouldn't have expected anything more from a
LIBERAL!
JUDGE MW [Smiles]: You're mixing me up with Moriarty, who (when under his
alias of Jeff Meyer), has some liberal tendencies. However,
since you feel that your sentence is due to liberal politics,
you'll be happy to know that your sentence will be decided and
carried out by one of the most reknowned and intelligent
conservatives ever to have graced this country.
REV. JERRY [eagerly]: Ronnie!
JUDGE MW: I said "intelligent".
REV. JERRY [hesitantly]: God?
JUDGE MW: We had George Burns in here about a year ago in another episode
of SPC. He's busy with CBS right now...
REV. JERRY [awareness and alarm dawning on him simultaneously]: Oh, no!
Not..
[The east door of the courtroom opens, and in walks Barry Goldwater. He
stands in front of the bench facing the defendant's box.]
SEN. GOLDWATER: Jerry, I can't tell you how pleased I was to accept the
court's gracious invitation to take part in this trial. You may
remember that, several years ago, I said that it was the duty of
every good Christian to kick you right in the ass. Well, I
believe that it's about time I got around to doing my duty...
REV. JERRY [Who has to address the Senator by turning his head around, as he
has been taken by Red the Bailiff & Judge Moriarty and held
so that his legs and hind end are conveniently hanging over the
edge of the defendant's box] [Leers and laughs meanly]: Old man,
you must be about eighty. I doubt you'll do too much damage.
SEN. GOLDWATER [chuckling]: Might be that I'm in better shape than you
think, Jerry; but I thought I might as well put you to better
use than you ever have ever been put to before. Boys?
[The same east door opens, and 30 young men, dressed in football uniforms
and helmets, jog up to the Senator]
SEN. GOLDWATER: "Reverend" Falwell, I'd like you to meet all the
placekickers currently active in this year's Pac-10 conference.
I thought the boys could use some practice, so I asked them over
here. I'd asked you to bend over, but it looks like the Court
officials have everything well in hand.
JUDGE MW [addressing one of the players]: Hey! Jaeger! I lost a bundle on
you guys this weekend in the Oklahoma game! How about some
improvement next time, huh?
J. JAEGER [Sighs to himself]: Save me from disgruntled alumni...
[Camera begins to do slow closeup on Goldwater, as we hear grunts, cries, and
choruses of "Hup, Hup, Hup..." from Stage Right]
REV. JERRY [angrily offstage]: You haven't heard the la-UMPH! [voice an
octave higher] last of me! I'll denounce yooo-OOMPH! [octave
higher] on my next show! I'll contribute to your pol--OUUCH!
[octave higher] political opponents! Moria-ARGHH! [octave
higher] Moriarty! I'll have Hill Street Blues canceled on
morality charges! You can't do thIIIITT [now in a voice much
like that of Beverly Sills] TO ME!!!!!....
SEN GOLDWATER: Well, as Judge Moriarty and Red are a bit busy at the moment,
I guess I'll have to sign off for now. Be good, be kind to each
other, and just remember:
If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court.
****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
Judge Moriarty Wapner
Stupid People's Court
ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA
UUCP: {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, sb1, lbl-csam}!fluke!moriarty
DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
necessarily represent the views of my employers. They are
entirely out of my dark and furitive imagination.