barth@tellab1.UUCP (Barth Richards) (08/19/85)
From the back cover of a bootleg album produced by
The Amazing Kornyfone Record Label
How It All Came To Be
IT HAS TAKEN OVER A CENTURY AND ONE HALF OF MAN'S FOREMOST TECHNOLOGY TO PUT
THIS RECORD YOU NOW HOLD ONTO AND/OR GAZE UPON WITHIN REACH OF YOUR HANDS
AND/OR YOUR EYES. IT WAS JUST BEFORE VETERAN'S DAY 1822 WHEN A LONE INVENTOR,
SCORNED AND CAST ASIDE FROM FARGO'S ELECTRICAL LEGION OF CUNNOLOGY IN HIS
NATIVE KANSAS, MISTAKENLY DISCOVERED A PROCESS THAT WOULD INDEED CHANGE THE
COURSE OF MAN'S EARS FOR YEARS TO COME. WHILE IN THE FINAL STAGES OF AN
EXPERIMENT CULMINATING AN ENTIRE LIFETIME OF STUDY AND RESEARCH, DR. TERRENCE
H. "TELLY" FONE PROCEEDED WITH THE LAST STAGE THAT WOULD, AT COMPLETION,
OFFER THE ENTIRE PLANET A TWO-DIMENSIONAL TIRE INCAPABLE OF GOING FLAT BECAUSE
OF ITS ASTOUNDING LACK OF ANY WIDTH. IN THOSE BYGONE FREE ENERGY DAYS, A
PUNCTURE FREE TIRE OFFERED THE ROYAL AMERICAN CITIZEN THE INNER COMFORT OF
A WORRY FREE WEEKEND ON THE INTERSTATE OF THEIR CHOICE. (FOR FURTHER
INFORMATION OF THE EVENTUAL DEVELOPEMENT OF THE TWO-DIMENTIONAL TIRE, SEE
AMERIKAN SCIENTIFIK REVIEW, AUGUST 1884.) BEFORE THE ADDITION OF THE FINAL
CHEMICAL AGENT THAT FATEFUL DAY, A TERRIFIC EXPLOSION RIPPED THROUGH TERRENCE'S
PANTRY-TURNED-LABORATORY. WHEN THE SMOKE AND HIS SINUSES FINALLY CLEARED,
BEFORE HIM LAY THE END PRODUCT OF HIS DECADES OF LABOR. IT WAS NOT THE
TWO-DIMENTIONAL TIRE HE HAD DREAMPT OF BUT RATHER A HARD, ROUND, BLACK DISC WITH
A SEEMINGLY ODD CONTINUOUS ENGRAVING EMBEDDED IN IT. TERRENCE PICKED HIMSELF
UP FROM THE FLOOR AND GRASPED THE UNKNOWN BY-PRODUCT OF HIS GENIUS. IN A
SEMI-CONSCIOUS STATE, HE SLOWLY PLACED THIS DARK DISC ON A PHONOGRAPH HE
LUCKILY HAPPENED TO FIND NEARBY. THE HUGE THREE-WAY AIR-SUSPENSION SPEAKERS
BENEATH HIM BOOMED FORTH VERY STRANGE CANTATIONS INDEED-
"There's a Ladee Whoze Shure Awl That Glitterz Iz Gold;
And She'z Buying A Stareway Too Hevun"
TERRENCE IS SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF. WHAT ARE THESE STRANGER NOISES AND HOW DID
THEY FIND THEIR WAY ON TO HIS PLASTIC? HAD ALL OF THESE YEARS OF STALWART
DEDICATION AMOUNTED TO MERE GUTTERAL RUMBLINGS? REMORSEFULLY, HE SLID THIS
FORSAKEN PLATTER BETWEEN SOME PAPER AND, ATTEMPTING TO DISGUISE IT, DREW A
PICTURE OF HIS GRANDPARENTS, ONE HOLDING A PITCHFORK, ON TOP OF THE PAPER.
THEN HE DROPPED THIS NOW-DISGUISED MISTAKE INTO A HOUSEHOLD SIZE SARAN-WRAP
AND PLACED IT NEXT TO THE FIRE HE HAD BUILT ON THE MIDST OF HIS WORKBENCH.
ABLE TO WITHSTAND NO MORE FRIGHT IN A SINGLE EVENING, TERRENCE GOES TO HIS
ROOM TO GET SUMMARILY HORIZONTAL AND UNCONSCIOUS. UPON ARISING LATER THAT
EVENING IN BED, TERRENCE REALIZED HE MUST RID HIMSELF OF THIS MISTAKE. IT
WAS AROUND DECEMBER BY NOW, SO HE PUT THIS HORRID MONSTROSITY IN A GAILY
COLORED RED AND GREEN WRAPPER AND MAILED IT TO HIS AUNT CORNELIA, WHOM HE
MUCH NOT LIKED. UNBEKNOWNST TO TERRENCE THOUGH IS THE FACT THAT OVER THE YEARS
HIS AUNT CORNELIA HAS BECOME THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR OF A NUMBER ONE RADIO
STATION.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT BECAME HISTORY.
LITTLE DID TERRENCE KNOW THAT SCIENCE WOULD STEP IN AND OVERNIGHT TRANSFORM
HIS HIDEOUS ERROR INTO THE FOREMOST ENTERTAINMENT MEDIUM OF THE 70'S--
BOTH EIGHTEENTH AND NINETEENTH. TERRENCE FONE IS ROCKETED TO GODHOOD AND
INTO THE HOSTSHIP OF HIS OWN SYNDICATED TELEVISION GAME SHOW. (SEEN ON
MOST OF THESE SAME STATIONS.) MAN HAD NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD AND TODAY GETS
IT ON THE AVERAGE OF THREE TIMES A WEEK. THEN FINALLY IN 1863, USING HIS
OWN AND HIS AUNT'S NAME, DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE, NOW A WORLD RESPECTED
RUBBEROLOGIST, FOUNDED THE MOST BIGGEST IMAGINARY RECORDING ORGANIZATION IN
THE FREE KNOWN WORLD--THE AMAZING KORNYFONE RECORD LABEL. YOU NOW HAVE THE
OPPORTUNITY TO OWN THIS FRUIT OF HIS LABOR, IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO SMEAR IT
ON YOUR CLOTHES. BOOLA BOOLA.
The AMAZING KORNYFONE Record Label
Ask for it by name
(below a photograph of lowest Xerox quality)
Dr. Terrence H. "Telly" Fone is shown here still getting in his personal
touch even as he enters his one hundred and fifty-second year as titular
head of FONOGRAM, his own faceless conglomerate. Still today Dr. Fone
personally hand letters each and every label on every record issued by
his totally imaginary company. Shown above he is just finishing the letter
'O' in the words "SIDE TWO'. Dedicated man.
LINER ONE OF A SERIES
.....bizarre or what?
Barth Richards
Tellabs, Incorporated
Corporate Communications
Lisle, IL
"Memories are the refuse of my mind"
-The Dark
"Banana slugs have feelings too,
ya know."
-An Idiot
"I don't know, but whatever it is,
it's weird and pissed-off."
-from THE THINGbarth@tellab1.UUCP (Barth Richards) (09/13/85)
I appologize to those of you who have been waiting for all this time for
installment number three of THE AMAZING KORNYFONE RECORD LABEL saga.
To those of you who think this an utterly annoying waste of net time and
space, I say "TOUGH TUMULTUOUS TERRAPINS." (So there!)
So now, without further excuse making:
Part three of a continuing series of liner notes from bootleg albums produced
by The Amazing Kornyfone Record Lable.
The Amazing Kornyfone Record Label/The Home Of The Klone Of Dr. Fone
I Think It's Your Mind
'AH VEE, YOUR VERY BREATH IS LIKE MATCHING MELONS, AND YOUR EYES LIKE TWIN
NILE CROCKODILES," DOCTOR TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE WHEEZED AS HE LAZILY
FINGERED THE PRIM WHITE LINEN OF HER "UNION MAID" DRAWERS. SHE SNAPPED HIS
ELASTIC IN APPRECIATIVE RESPONSE, AND POSITIONED HER TRIPOD AT HIS FAVORITE
ANGLE, SLIPPING THE CANVAS WELL AWAY FROM THE CHROME. THE LUMINOUS GLOW OF THE
DOCTOR'S EAR-TO-MOUTH TELEPATHOS COMMUNICATOR ILLUMINATED THAT EVER-ELUSIVE
ORIFICE AS POLLY "VEE" KHLORYDE SLIPPED SURELY OUT OF HERE REMAINING GARMENT.
LOST SOMEWHERE IN THOSE REVOLVING ORBS OF REALITY, TELLY FOUND HIS MIND
SLIDING FAR BEYOND THE ACCOUSTIC TILE OF THE DONAYAWANA MOTEL AND SINGLES BAR
NESTLED SEDUCTIVELY AGAINST THE OUTSKIRTS OF ANYTOWNE, U.S.A. DISTANTLY, HE
RECALLED THE LANGUID AND BITTER SWEET HALFLIGHT OF A YOUTH SPENT HONING
POTATOES ON HIS AUNT CORNELIA'S TRUCK FARM. "ALIAS" HE SIGHED, STARING GROON-
EYED AT THE LOVELY VEE'S MOIST CREVICE, "I YAM WHAT I YAM." IT HAD BEEN NEARLY
THREE YEARS NOW. THREE YEARS SINCE THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF HIS CHILD BRIDE,
THE RESPLENDENT "PRINCESS," IN THE SHINING YAWN OF A DISTRAUGHT MASTER STAMPER
AND, THOUGH TERRENCE STILL KEPT HER ABOUT, ON THE SNUG SHELF TWIXT FOGERTY AND
FUGS, SHE WAS INCAPABLE OF PROVIDING HIM WITH THE PLEASURES OF OLD. IT WAS
THEN HE MET VEE. SHE PIROUETTED ACROSS HIS MULTI-TRACKED LIFE WITH ALL THE
GRACE OF AN OIL SLICK. HIS DAYS BECAME SHORTER, HIS NIGHTS LONGER, AS THEIR
WORLDS DID COLLIDE. THEN, WITH ALL THE BEASTIALITY OF A DOG LEG, DISASTER
STRUCK. TELLY'S ERSTWHILE RELIABLE MEMBER, AN INK CYLINDER NAMED RAPID, CEASED
TO FUNCTION. ITS FREE FLOW IMPEDED BY A THICK DARK SUBSTANCE. HIS PANTS WERE,
OF A SUDDEN, TOO SHORT. HIS STOOL SQUEAKED AND HIS LONG-LIPPED FRIENDS DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE HIM ON THE STREET. ILLUMINATION STRUCK AS A SENTENCE MURMERED WHILE
DEEP WITHIN THE TRANCE OF A GYPSY HYPNOTIST. "IT'S THE VINYL," HE HAD SAID,
AND INDEED IT PROVED TRUE. UNDER A SELF INFLICTED PHYSICAL, TERRENCE FOUND HE
HAD BARELY TWENTY-FOUR MONTHS TO RELIVE. HARDLY TIME TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIMSELF,
AND EVEN LESS TO CHASTISE HIS ONCE BELOVED VEE. SOON A FEVERED PLAN BEGAN TO
FORM BENEATH HIS FAST FADING FEY FEZ. A PLAN OF CONTINUING THE BREAD AND BUTTER
OF HIS EXISTENCE DESPITE HIS TERMINAL ILLNESS. SEARCHING OUT THE INNOVATIVE
DOCTOR MYEYES IN THE DEEPENING SHADOWS OF A FARFLUNG GOTHAM, HE PETITIONED HER
KNOWLEDGE OF ARTIFICIAL EXTENTION THROUGH THE ALCHEMY OF A NEARBY KLONE BANK.
EXPLAINING THE BRIEF BROWN GRAVY OF HIS SITUATION, HIS SPORE WAS IMMEDIATELY
ACCEPTED AND HIS LIKENESS SET SAFELY ON A PATH OF TOTAL REALISATION. WITH A
MERE THREE MONTHS OF LIFE REMAINING, TELLY ONCE AGAIN LEFT THE CONFINES OF HIS
BELOVED ANYTOWNE, AND THE ARMS AND THIGHTS OF HIS BELOVED VEE, FOR FOREIGN
CLIMES, LEAVING HIS NOW MATURE KLONE IN CHARGE OF MORE PRESSING MATTERS.
EVEN AS WE SPEAK, THE DOCTOR WALKS AMONG YOU.
Barth Richards
Tellabs, Inc.
Lisle, IL
"It's the vinyl."
Doctor Terrence H. "Telly" Fone