flowers@asgb.UUCP (Stephen H. Flowers) (09/23/85)
For the last several months, I have been trying to figure out which of my
co-workers are space aliens. It has been quite difficult, especially since
space aliens are notoriously sly. Guess what? After very careful research,
I finally decided that EVERYONE is a space alien, even me! My mom wasn't too
surprised, though: "I raised a space alien? I always wondered why you were so
weird." She was a bit miffed at the suggestion that she was also a space
alien, but logic prevailed: "Look. If I'm a space alien, and you didn't adopt
me, then you (and/or Dad) must be one, too." She took the news pretty hard.
Last I saw her, she was sitting in an old rocker, staring at the walls and
mumbling, "Oh, my God! We're all space aliens. Every last one of us."
I didn't have the heart to tell her about the banana slugs.
Well, after learning the shocking truth, I didn't know where to turn. I was
considering investing in a loin-cloth, a good boomerang, and a ticket to
Australia when I was telepathically contacted by a Mutant Star Goat. "Don't do
it!" the Star Goat commanded me. "Your country needs you." "What country?" I
replied telepathically. (Since I knew I was an alien, I thought I might as
well start acting like one.) The Star Goat replied: "Any country! Space
aliens are needed everywhere! There's a war going on, you know!" Well, this
was getting to be completely absurd, so I said to him, "Listen here, Goat!
You've been listening to that Disaster Area rock group a bit too long. I just
happen to be the Kwisatz Haderach, and I'll go wherever I darn well please!"
That seemed to shut him up, wherever he was.
Well, I was getting pretty bored. I wanted to fly to Venus in a shiny silver
saucer, yack with the locals, leave some applications for the Galactic
Brotherhood Fellowship, and then go kidnap some cattle. After all, that's how
space aliens are supposed to get their jollies, isn't it? Instead, I get some
silly Space Goat telling me to enlist. I was about ready to join a monastery
at any opportune moment when I got another telepathic message.
"Who is it this time?"
"I'm a Level-3 manager at the Sasquatch installation at the South Pole.
Are you any good at UNIX? We wrote a device driver for our Death Star
that we have hidden on the far side of the moon. Just as we were about
to go operatonal, we got a trap type 2, and the whole Death Star crashed
into the Tsiolkovski crater. We tried to reboot, but we keep getting a
'Bad block 0' message on the console. Any ideas?"
"Well, this is gonna cost you. I charge $20,000 a day plus travel expenses.
Since I *don't* do hardware, I hope you got your Death Star pulled out of
the crater in good shape."
"No sweat. We're running the final remote diagnostics now. Say, if you're
interested in doing some other device drivers, we could supply you
with real steady work."
"Depends on the type of device. I'll consider disks, tapes, plotters, and
network attachments, but I won't touch anything involving the number 42."
"How about process-control drivers? We've got an anti-matter converter on
our moon base that's currently running TRS-DOS. We'd like to convert it
to UNIX System V, but none of the Sasquatches on the moon want to tackle
it. Want to give it a shot?"
"Sure! I never had much trouble with anti-matter converters."
"Well, you have to be pretty careful. The last guy who tried it put some
printf's in the middle of a critical section of code. That threw off the
timing of the matter/anti-matter mixing routine just enough to blow a new
50 kilometer crater on the far side of the moon. I hope *you'll* be more
careful. Ortron, our beloved space alien leader, was quite ticked off by
that incident. If you succeed, I guarantee you'll rise far within the
the space alien hierarchy."
"Sounds good. Just have a saucer pick me up about 9:00 tonight at the
abandoned railroad yard."
Now here was real space alien excitement! None of that boring wombat/slug
debate for me. If any of the rest of you netlanders/space-aliens want to
travel to exotic new planets and receive exciting assignments on similar
advanced UNIX projects, just send your resumes to:
...!ihnp4!southpole!mbase-alpha!ortron
Please, no agencies. (And *yes*, Ortron insists that only genuine space aliens
will be hired. Sure, it's discriminatory, but let's face it, he owns the whole
bloody moon!)
Unless that Level-3 manager at the Sasquatch installation was pulling my leg,
I'll be zipping on up to Ortron's moon base in a just a few hours from now.
Since they have a Usenet feed up there, I'll occasionally post a status report
to this newsgroup. (I considered also posting this to net.unix-wizards, but I
decided that they probably aren't as interested in anti-matter converters as
the readers of net.bizarre.)
In closing, I would like to suggest that anyone who doubts that he or she is a
space alien ponder on this: if you're NOT a space alien, then what are you
reading net.bizarre for? For laughs? Try net.jokes. For interesting facts
about obscure animals like slugs and wombats? Try Mutual of Omaha's Wild
Kingdom (may God rest Marlin's soul). For technical content? Try net.physics.
In short, there is NO rational reason for such behavior. If we have ruled out
the rational, then the irrational, however impossible, must be the explanation.
And the simplest irrational explanation is that you are hoping to be told that
you are indeed a space alien. Well, you are! Now get back to work.
Well, I'm off to reboot the Death Star...mancello@acf4.UUCP (Homeboy#1) (09/24/85)
I am a space alien!! When do we embark on our great journey? If I bring enough aliens with me, do I get a group discount?
jims@hcrvax.UUCP (Jim Sullivan) (09/26/85)
> Unless that Level-3 manager at the Sasquatch installation was pulling my leg, > I'll be zipping on up to Ortron's moon base in a just a few hours from now. > Since they have a Usenet feed up there, I'll occasionally post a status report > to this newsgroup. (I considered also posting this to net.unix-wizards, but I > decided that they probably aren't as interested in anti-matter converters as > the readers of net.bizarre.) Does this have anything to do with the STARGATE idea I keep hearing about ? Jim
carl@proper.UUCP (Carl Greenberg) (09/28/85)
In article <> mancello@acf4.UUCP (Homeboy#1) writes: >I am a space alien!! When do we embark on our great journey? >If I bring enough aliens with me, do I get a group discount? Count me in! I've got enough space alien friends to bring along! Shall we form the net.bizarre Space Aliens Club? /------------------------------------\ | Official Net.Bizarre Place | | SPACE ALIENS CLUB holograph | | Membership Card here | | ***YOUR NAME HERE*** | | ____________________ | | signature | \------------------------------------/ That's my idea. Make some improvements if you feel like it. Carl Greenberg Lunatic Laboratories Unltd. Space Alien Research Dept.
carl@proper.UUCP (Carl Greenberg) (09/28/85)
> "How about process-control drivers? We've got an anti-matter converter on > our moon base that's currently running TRS-DOS. We'd like to convert it > to UNIX System V, but none of the Sasquatches on the moon want to tackle > it. Want to give it a shot?" Oops, too late. I spent a few afternoons with a sector editor, TRSDOS 6.2.0, and my Model 4P and already did that. Want a copy of BS-DOS/80 06.02.00 from Lunatic Laboratories Unltd.? Carl Greenberg