rlr@pyuxn.UUCP (11/09/83)
And now, the Ubizmanian position on homosexuality:
All of you evil-thinking homosexuals are hereby damned forever by the
great god Ubizmo, as clearly stated in the Book of Ubizmo (Yutzo House
Publishers, $12.95 or $5.95 paperback), as quoted below:
Lo, though I see naught of those who would take company with others of
like ilk, I say no, for it is so, so there.
Clearly, Ubizmo, who is the proven god of all humankind (it says so in the
foreword), finds such practices as homosexuality, group sex, masturbation,
watching television, eating sushi, sleeping, and using electrical appliances
evil and contrary to his great law, as shown here:
And it was the fifteenth day, and Ubizmo saw the land and the people
in it, and, using a large Mr. Microphone he said to them: "Nay, ye
who eatest things from out of the water before it be cooked, ye shall
suffer the fate of all those who disobey me, for they shall be cast out
where there is no outlet for their evil doings... " And the people went
about their business, for they did not understand what he was saying...
And, lo, a storm came to pass, and every twenty-fifth man was without
light in his eyes for four hundred days...
This same fate will befall you if you do not heed the ways of Ubizmo. Your
practices are clearly contrary to the path Ubizmo wishes you to take. Would
you let your obviously clouded desires and thoughts interfere with the
eternal bliss that Ubizmo intends for you if you follow his way? Are you
willing to take the chance that Ubizmo does not exist, and risk eternal
torment for making the wrong decision? Ubizmo is a gracious and forgiving
god, but cross him and you're dogdirt. Out of sincere concern for your well-
being, I am imploring you as an Ubizmatist to shirk your evil ways or suffer
the eternal damnation that would surely be your fate once those of us with
*real* morals are granted our proper place in society. As the Rev. Yutzo
Flemburg said: "One man, one woman, one cuisinart." Need I say more?
With Ubizmanian love,
Dinko (high Ubizmanian priest of Guatemala)
---------------------------
NOTE: The version of the Book of Ubizmo used here is the New Ubizmanian
Translation (NUT), and the verses quoted were Chapter 22, Verse 8
and Chapter 9, Verse 142, for those of you who wish to reference
these texts in further discussion. I am aware that many scholars
disagree on the meaning of these passages, but as a true Ubizmatist
I know, from extensive study (watching Ubizmanian evangelists on TV),
that Ubizmo will slaughter and vaporize all those who spurn his
offering of love for humankind by doing what they choose instead of
following the written law.