levasseur@morgan.DEC (Ray EMD & S Admin 223-5027) (09/05/85)
I've been away on vacation since posting my "Coming to Know God" peice. By accident I zapped the mail directory and lost some of the replies but have a couple of other things to say. I want to thank Peter Homeier for sharing his story. Like him, I only read the Old Testament and missed the Good News in my youth. Another thing I neglected to mention was from ~age 4-5 my grandmother had an obsessive hangup on the book of Revelations. My mother once told me that I'de run home terrified and crying because of my grandmother's imterpretations of the last book. I had semi-successfully blotted any memory of this terror until I cracked up, when I was also ob- sessively reading Revelations and twisting the meaning. Another fact that I never mentioned was the fact that I'm gay. Some of you may read net.motss and know me from my Jason articles. I cannot begin to describe the guilt that I let myself carry from both upbringing and the radical Bible bangers I hung around with shortly before I suffered the breakdown. One would preach the terrible punishment that awaited me as a homosexual, then want to go to bed with me, nuff said! It was the wonderful minister, Father Michael who let me know that God still loved me. It was Good Friday and I was attending an evening service when Father Mike called me into his office for coffee. He knew that my wife and I were going through some tough trials and asked why the marriage was failing. I hesitantly confessed that I was gay and expected to be thrown bodily from the pastor's office. Instead, he threw his arms around me and said that this was what it was all about, Christ dieing so that we could live. As he put it, "You have not created some new sin" as I felt that I had. He want on to say that I was no better or worse than any other sinner, including himself. I was shocked to hear a clergyman admit his humanity. I was raised to believe that Preists, nuns and ministers were all without fault. Of course my rebuttle was "but I'm destined to the fires of hell". His reply was that It was neither his nor my place to judge who would go where and that only God had the answer to what made me tick. As he said, "the evil one wants you to believe that you're beyond redemption". This now makes sense to me. Yes, I'm a sinner but ask Christ's forgiveness when I falter; which is quite often. I've never had the "Zap! Flash!" born again experience that some people I know have had. A cousin of mine ran around for months with a Cheshire Cat grin and hugged everybody after a conversion at a rally. I asked Father Mike why this never happened to me. He could only say that God works in different ways for different people; some taking an entire lifetime to know Christ. I feel that I know him but not quite close enough. I know that he answers some of my prayers but not in a way that feels comfortable. One example comes to mind. I was going through a period of extreme lonliness where nothing was going right. One night I sat and prayed, rambling on about all my faults. I then asked God to help me with a drinking problem during this rambling. I can't explain it but my mind froze up right on that statement. A much stronger voice inside told me to be quiet and listen to what I had just admitted. For about 10 minutes I couldn't think; something had control over my thinking. The last thought that came into my mind was that this was the problem, after that I felt a sense of peace. I still drink but not as much as at that time. I really felt that God pointed out where the problem lied. At times I feel like asking him to help me stop drinking altogether but don't feel ready. While on vacation I ran into an old neighbor from 5 years ago who contracted AIDS. I watched as he went from a healthy man to the shell of a man. He had 6 months to live; that was about 3 years ago. When I ran into him I could hardly believe my eyes, he was the picture of health. I asked how this transformation took place and he shared the fact that Christ and the Virgin Mary appeared to him. I think that he was afraid that I thought he was crazy but I just squeezed his shoulder and told him he was lucky to be chosen for a cure. He went on to tell me that God told him he would be cured and to warn others of the danger. I got a lengthy lecture from him who had almost tasted death, it made my blood run cold. I really do believe that God does walk among us still. I have not been touched as closely as some others but know he still cares. As long as there are the Mother Teresa's, father Michaels, etc I know he hasn't abandoned us. Finally, there was one person who responded to my posting who I think felt that I hated the Catholic Church. Let me apologize by saying that was all based just on my early childhood and misguided upbringing. I have since been in Cath- olic churches where there is a true sense of Christian fellowship. I think that Dignity (an organization for gay Catholics) got me to open my eyes and take a closer look at the church. There was more outpouring of love and care in dignity than I saw in ther church I grew up in. I have since attended regular Catholic and protestant churches and see the same love. When I attend a church where I see the needy helped, the broken mended, the mourner consoled and Christ's gos- pel of love preached; I know he's there. Ray