wes@ukecc.UUCP (Wes Morgan) (09/03/86)
<Eat flaming death, you Satanic line-eater>
Well, the prophecy has finally come to pass. BROTHER JED SMOCK has returned
to the University of Kentucky, carrying his message of hellfire and damnation.
Of course, Sister Cindy, the "disco queen" turned evangelist wife, and Chastity,
their 4-year-old disciple/child, were in tow.
For those of you who have been deprived of the pleasure of "The Brother Jed
Experience", a brief explanation follows:
George E. ("Jed") Smock is a traveling evangelist specializing in college
and university appearances. His style is combative and arrogant; for example,
he insists that he is "morally perfect" and that all sorority members are sex-
ually promiscuous. Needless to say, he draws huge crowds; his unannounced
appearance at the University of Kentucky Student Center today was attended by
approximately 100 people. He utilizes "Free Speech Areas", so that he need
not observe regulations concerning content of his speeches. He insults, in-
sinuates, and incites many people at once. He draws on his 60's experience
as a college student to derive stereotypes which he applies to today's students.
Having been warned, we shall now describe today's "discussion" with Brother Jed.
Our group arrived late, having just completed a class. Brother Jed was in
fine form, launching into his analysis of our sex lives. Typical passages of
his lecture were as follows: "We would go down to the RED-LIGHT DISTRICT, which
you know today as SORORITY ROW." In the universe of Brother Jed, fornication
is rampant in the dormitories, and fraternity/sorority houses are virtual
Gomorrohs. In addition, any Brother Jed utterance of the word "fornication"
is accompanied by a peculiar hand motion on each syllable. Of course, the entire crowd joins in on "fornication". Another Brother Jed topic is "ROCK-
AND-ROLL MUSIC" (said in a hate-filled, 'righteous disgust' type of voice).
The wrath of God will be visited upon anyone who listens to any of the fol-
lowing: The Who, Led Zeppelin, the Grateful Dead, the Rolling Stones, Rush,
Van Halen, and especially "that pervert", MICK JAGGER.
He then described, with total shame, his life as a Greek at Indiana Uni-
versity. (Jed was a Delta Upsilon.) His fraternity house had a "darkroom" in
the basement, but "No film ever saw THAT room!". His brothers would cause
sorority girls to become intoxicated, and then escort them to the "darkroom"
in order to 'FORNICATE' (audience participation here) with them. Strangely
enough, Jed has all this knowledge of procedure, but claims never to have
participated. Hmmmmmm.
Brother Jed, of course, insulted numerous people, mostly female. He uses
such quotes as "We always went after women who smoked, because if a woman will
put a cigarette in her mouth, God knows what ELSE she'll put in there!". The
Chi Omega sorority was singled out by name as the most promiscuous group on
any campus. According to Jed, "everyone knows that the Chi O's are 'LOOSE'."
In the past, Jed has issued the following:
"Hey! You in the red sweater! How many men have you slept with this week?"
"You, sir, are a pervert!"
"Anyone dressing like this woman (indicate girl) is obviously looking for
FORNICATION!" (hand motion, audience participation)
Needless to say, Jed has become an institution at many college campuses.
He expresses preference for UKentucky and UFlorida. Obviously, then, we are
the hotbeds of drug abuse, FORNICATION, ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC, and general sin.
(Gee, and it only costs $660 per semester! They sure didn't mention *that* in
the catalogue!)
Watch for Brother Jed Smock at *your* university. For a good laugh and
a good way to kill a few hours, he can't be beaten.
In closing, a few quotes from "Mission to South Africa" by Jed Smock.
"....The answer is that despite what remains of apartheid, South Africa pro-
vides more freedom and opportunity for all races than anywhere else on
the African continent."
"....In Port Elizabeth, Tupperware dealer, Mr. Graham Mack, observed as he
drove us around the city, 'Bro. Jed, notice Blacks can go anywhere in
the business district without fear of intimidation by anyone. But a
White will not go into a Black township anymore out of fear of being
killed. Whose freedom is bring restricted?' . "
"....Radicals in South Africa and Western liberals will not be satisfied,
will not stop crying 'apartheid', until the present government is
overthrown, and a Black Marxist government replaces it."
"....The free enterprise system has made Blacks and Whites economically
interdependent, and therefore has helped to destroy apartheid."
Hmmmmmm.......anyway, he's *really* good humor.