cly (03/08/83)
Well, here goes. This has been on my mind for a long time. I would like to find a woman to share love, romance, fun, etc., etc. To do this, I need to meet as many women as possible in order to maximize the odds of finding a good match. Ideally, I could meet and get to know hundreds of women if I could take advantage of every situation where women are present. One of these is the work environment. Unfortunately, I have found work to be one of the WORST places to meet women. It seems that unless I am working directly with a woman, or have some other "legitimate" reason for talking to her, there is no way to get beyond some sort of barrier I perceive. If I happen to pass a woman in a corridor, for instance, her eyes are usually downcast or shifted to the side so that no contact is possible. If I say, "hi", I usually get no response or very little response. I know it's not me, since I have no trouble at singles groups, church, parties, and some other places. Also, I have heard this from many other men. What is going on here? Women friends tell me that they WANT to meet guys, the same women that seem to avoid me are very friendly once I have met them some "legitimate" way (there's that term again!), and there is very little chance of being attacked by merely smiling and saying "hi". So, what's the reason for this behavior? Fear? Fear of what? Unconcern? Preoccupation? I want to emphasize here that I'm NOT expecting to fall in love (or even in like) with most of these women. I would just like to increase my odds. I have met many people who weren't that compatible with me, but because I knew them I met OTHERs that WERE! I have also been instrumental in getting others together by inviting them to parties. The point is that it is often advantageous to meet a lot of people. So, after all this long-winded rattling on, what do I want? I would dearly like to hear from the women out there regarding what I have said. If you fit this description (seemingly unfriendly in some situations) I would like to know what's behind your behavior. I think this would help me a lot, and maybe you too! Carl Yaffey cbosgd!cly BTL CB x3399
jamcmullan (03/15/83)
I have found work to be one of the WORST places to meet women.
It seems that unless I am working directly with a woman, or
have some other "legitimate" reason for talking to her,
there is no way to get beyond some sort of barrier I perceive.
If I happen to pass a woman in a corridor, for instance, her eyes
are usually downcast or shifted to the side so that no contact is
possible. If I say, "hi", I usually get no response or very little
response. I know it's not me, since I have no trouble at singles groups,
church, parties, and some other places. Also, I have heard this from
many other men. What is going on here?
I agree with ricki simon that work is not the place to initiate
man-woman relationships and that responding to this kind of friendly
greeting is usually interpreted as flirting. (Don't tell me that's not
how you meant it. That's how it is often meant & I can't tell the
difference).
I have to fight a lot of feeling that only men do "real" work & what is
a nice "girl" like you working for? So, I try to remember to be as
businesslike as possible at my work place (sometimes I forget & have
a giggle with the co-op student, in the lab).
Furthermore, I have had VERY bad luck talking to men I don't know.
Occasionally nothing comes of it beyond a few minutes of conversation
but far too often I have been followed around the street/subway/building
until I lost him or I have been cornered somewhere for a quick "feel".
I have only been attacked once (just slapped a bit) on a quiet street.
These incidents have all been in public. They are a bit scary. The
worst that has happened at work is that some clown that I responded to
took to greeting me in a loud voice by giving me his idea of compliments
on portions of my anatomy. This was very embarrassing in front of colleagues
with whom I was trying to maintain a competent & businesslike image.
...and there is very little chance of
being attacked by merely smiling and saying "hi".
So, what's the reason for this behavior? Fear? Fear of what?
Unconcern? Preoccupation?
I have learned the hard way to avoid men I don't know. I avert my
eyes. I play deaf if they speak to me. A lot of times I hate this but
the times when I break these rules are the times I have gotten scared.
I have discussed this with some of my close men friends. Many men don't
seem to realize the very real fears for physical safety that all women
live with every day of their lives. It happens that there IS a chance
(I admit that it is a little chance) of being attacked as a result of
saying "hi" because a large proportion of rapes are done by acquaintances.
Some one once asked men "Why are you afraid of women?" The response:
"We are afraid they will laugh at us". She asked women "Why are you
afraid of men?" The response: "We are afraid they will kill us".
Now, please don't think I am terrified of all men or that all
women are the same as I am. Some are less concerned about these things
and say "I can take care of myself". But you asked why so many women
are unfriendly and I am quite certain that basic fear is the real
reason that underlies their behaviour. They are not quaking in their
boots every minute. It is just that they have learned how to avoid (but
not escape) the unwelcome advances, the lewd shouts, etc.
--Judy McMullan