[net.women] Friends/Lovers

woods (04/04/83)

  This subject originally came up in net.women, but I think it really belongs
in net.singles, so I'm posting it to both. Further discussion (if any) should
probably take place in net.singles. 
  I think this is a *very* important problem, especially for me in particular,
but also I think for male-female relations in general. The reason it is a 
problem now is that, in the past (read: before the women's movement), most
"friendly" relationships between men and women were viewed as a prelude
to romance, and indeed, it seems to me that many people married without even
really getting to know one another very well. Nowadays, lots of people want
frienship without romance, and there is nothing wrong with this *unless*
sexual/romantic attraction develops on one side but not the other. Most
(> 99%) of such relationships *I* have seen, it has been the male (often me)
who develops sexual attraction for the female which is not returned. Warning
signs that this is happening include any sentence beginning with "I like you
but...". I am actually happy to hear from this discussion that there are women
experiencing the same frustrations. I was really beginning to think this was a
one-way street.

   Some questions for thought and/or discussion:

   1) How does one suppress sexual feeling that is not returned? (My own feeling
      is that this is not possible).

   2) Is it possible to prevent these feelings from developing in the first
      place? (Again, my feeling is no)

   3) most important -- given that 1) and 2) are impossible, is it still 
      possible to maintain a friendship given that one person has feelings 
      not returned by the other?

                        GREG
			ucbvax!hplabs!hao!woods
			menlo70!hao!woods
			harpo!seismo!hao!woods
			decvax!brl-bmd!hao!woods

lsk (04/05/83)

Greg asks whether it is possible to not have your sexual feelings in the first
place towards a friend. Probably not.
He then wonders how you suppress them when they are not returned.
The answer, very simply, is that you face reality.
This is not to say that it is not painful, or that in the back of your
mind there is always a little thought that "this just may change"; but,
again back to reality -- if you like the person and can be friends, you do it
by gritting your teeth and facing up to another of life's interesting twists.
(NOT meant to be an insult), but, if you are not mature enough (perhaps that
is the wrong word) to put aside your feelings, then maybe you should just
not get involved at all with the other person, but you may just lose out
on a good friendship.

Speaking from bittersweet experience, not having made up some nifty 
pseudoname to sign my articles with, but disagreeing with those who
think a long a long signature is a total waste of time, I remain,
Larry S. Kaufman, WEco, NSC, Lisle, Illinois