pc (04/11/83)
Re: Request for data on women, social structures, and competing for attention with a CRT This testimonial reflects my experiences with one man-- my husband. He has always LOVED engineering, delving deeeply into problems for endless hours. For years, if I wanted to be with him on a Friday night, I had to go into work with him and find things to do. When we got a home computer (an LSI-11 with "the works"), there was nowhere where I felt free of the competition with the computer. To say that this was hurting our relationship is a ridiculous understatement. When I finally realized that it was critical for things to change, I began a relentless communication campaign. My husband is not an insensitive, uncaring clod--just a little more comfortable writing code than solving personal and social problems. It took a tremendous amount of effort on my part to get my point across. I had to rely totally on "logical" arguments (damn that restriction!), but finally he began working WITH me to improve the quality of our relationship. It was WORK. The results were better than I could have ever anticipated. I no longer feel like I'm competing with the CRT. My husband feels comfortable with the amount of time he gets to spend hacking (most of the time), and we have a really fine marriage. The most important thing is that we both feel good about it all. As for social relationships, I can only think of one man in my circle of acquaintances who makes social arrangements. I should say that virtually all of our male acquaintances are engineers/computer scientists and that this "exceptional" male has a liberal arts background. I won't stick my neck out by making any gross generalizations....
bentson (04/14/83)
I have an understanding spouse, she says she permits me one mistress at
a time. That is, because since she knows I enjoy working with
computers and she is concerned for my happiness, she does not object to
the outrageous hours I spend "working" with computers. I have never
heard the phrase "but we never go anywhere" uttered by her. Likewise,
when she was accepted into a Ph.D. program in Colorado, there was no
hesitation in that we move here from N.J. (Not that we didn't enjoy
living in N.J., rural Northwest N.J. near the Deleware Water Gap is a
lifestyle away from Cancer Alley). There was no question that her
schooling wasn't as imporant as my career. When I get to cook and
maintain the house by myself for a while when she has a heavy class
schedule, I don't mind, I know she'll take a turn later (or has done so
in the past). We've each pulled a couple of all-nighters in the last
few months, that is very much in common between us. Sometimes we
barely have time to mutter to one another "why are we doing this?".
There's fun in the differences in our professional lives. There's constant
joking about the jargon. She picks on "bits", "bytes", and "nibbles" and I
make fun of "interface" and her "standard deviation" (she's in Psychology).
We gossip about the latest happenings at the University, about the people
we meet with differing interests and perspectives. We compare the outrageous
things that happen in our fields (no, Herb Grosch isn't unique!).
I have to admit that she's done more for my social development than I for
hers. I am far from the once asocial person she first met. She still
does more of the social organizing, but at least I'm not above inviting
people over to play Scrabble or to organize a skiing trip. Our joint
venture, the Nth Annual Thanksgiving Day Open House is something we organize
together.
The point of all this is that we are not jealous of the other's enjoyment,
rather that is part of our own pleasure. My only regret might be that our
daughter is still trying to learn how to live with workaholic parents (and
competing for the telephone at home).
Randy Bentson
Colo State U - Comp Sci
P.S. In spite of all I've said, I think I'd
be in trouble if I gave up computers for
some other activities.