avi@pegasus.UUCP (02/17/84)
I got engaged a month ago, and have been noticing a change in the attitudes of some of the women I know. I am wondering if these may be real, or just a difference in my attitudes and perceptions. Suddenly, many of them are much friendlier, more open, and even less reserved. Does the fact that I have found someone, who also wants me, make me more desirable somehow as something they can't get? Am I suddenly safe because I am not likely to be chasing after them. Can they relate to me better now that I seem to lack ulterior motives? It sort of reminds me of the easy comfortable way I get along with the wives of my close friends. Is it possible that they are reacting to the fact that I am less anxious and more content and in love? Or, am I just imagining all this? This may apply equally well to men and women, but I am specifically focusing my question at the women in the audience. What is your reaction to this. Does your level of comfort with a guy change when he becomes taken in some way -- such as going steady, engaged or worse? What sorts of things make you more comfortable around a man? Are you more comfortable with someone married or someone who is gay? I could go on asking questions, but I would rather just stop and wait for others to raise the points that do it for them. -- -=> Avi E. Gross @ AT&T Information Systems Laboratories (201) 576-6241 suggested paths: [ihnp4, allegra, cbosg, hogpc, ...]!pegasus!avi
jamcmullan@watmath.UUCP (Judy McMullan) (02/17/84)
I am more comfortable with (certain) men once I feel that they are not going
to interpret my friendliness as sexual interest. This has happened to me
when the man has just found someone to whom he is devoted or when he knows
I have just done so. An engaged man seems even "safer" than one who has been
married for a while because he is really in the deep throes of love (one
would expect).
Mmmm. I was going to add something about flirting with "safe" people but
one does get a lot of flames from mis-interpretations so I think I will
leave my comments as they are.
--from the sssstickkky keyboard of J.A.M.
...!{allegra|decvax}!watmath!jamcmullandmmartindale@watcgl.UUCP (Dave Martindale) (02/17/84)
I think Judy has the right idea. It is easier to be open with someone when I'm not worried about them misinterpreting what I say or do. This applies in many ways - I find it easier to talk about personal things with someone who I believe will understand what I mean than with someone where I'm not sure of that, for example. When it comes to conversations and activities with someone of the alternate sex, if both people are interested just in friendship or both are interested in more than friendship and both know this, then they don't need to worry about misinterpretation. Where the kind of interest is different for both people, or the people simply don't know how the other person feels, then they may automatically be more cautious. In the case of one of the parties being engaged, this probably serves as a loud, clear, and fairly reliable signal that this person isn't interested in more than friendship with someone else.
marla@ssc-vax.UUCP (Marla S Baer) (02/20/84)
In his article, Avi Gross says: > I got engaged a month ago, and have been noticing a change in the attitudes > of women friends. Suddenly, many of them are much friendlier, more open, > and even less reserved. [Does this] make me more desirable somehow as > something they can't get? Am I suddenly safe because I am not likely to be > chasing after them. Can they relate to me better now that I seem to lack > ulterior motives? Is it possible that they are reacting to the fact that I am > less anxious and more content and in love? Is it possible that YOU are acting in a different mannor? Now that you are engaged, you probably do not look upon these women as a challenge. (I do not mean this in a derogatory way.) I know that prior to my engagement I tended to look upon every guy I met as a possible date/mate. I noticed that they seemed to play up to it, competing for me, so to speak. Most of it was unintentional, and I don't think I realized the situation until after I became engaged. Now, when I meet a guy, I can think of them in terms of "what knd of friend will he be?" instead of "what kind of date will he make?" As a result, I find I've become more relaxed in ths type of situation and people tend to react to me better. By the way, I've tended to notice this type of behavor among most of my unattached friends, both male and female. Marla S. Baer ssc-vax!marla
avi@pegasus.UUCP (Avi E. Gross) (02/24/84)
Marla Baer (ssc-vax!marla) has made some valid points in response to my original article. I was commenting on my perception that women seem friendlier toward me now. I have received several letters on the topic and have been doing some thinking. I would say that I have changed my attitude. I am more relaxed around women, because I do not spend (as much) time noticing how attractive they are and trying to figure out how to get closer to them or impress them. I can be more like myself (whatever that means!) and they tend to notice it. This is actually rather pleasant, because I can share myself more freely, without worrying that I might be giving a wrong (meaning "right") impression or driving them away. They only become important as friends -- not as potential lovers. On the other hand, there are others who hear about my engagement and come rushing over to congratulate me. In their case, they have not had a chance to react to my behavior, and must be operating out of their past experience with other engaged/married people. I get the impression that a lot of [wo]men would love to be able to have normal friendly relations with members of the appropriate gender -- if they could be sure that sex was not an issue. It is somewhat sad that many people (including myself) have not learned how to deal with this in a more adult manner. I am always (mis)interpreting social cues -- and often find that the women who are friendliest to me are all in comfortable relationships. Now that I am in one, maybe I will be able to drive some poor unsuspecting women crazy by being nice to them -- and then going home alone. :-) While we are on the topic, I am curious about the ways people tend to treat someone who is recently widowed or divorced. (No, I am not making any such plans). Do we ascribe all kinds of 'evil" thoughts to them and assume that they are "hot to trot"? -- -=> Avi E. Gross @ AT&T Information Systems Laboratories (201) 576-6241 suggested paths: [ihnp4, allegra, cbosg, hogpc, ...]!pegasus!avi