sandy@plx.UUCP (sandy) (04/17/84)
I read net.women yesterday for the first time in a while. For hours after, I found myself thinking about what I had read. Then I realized it had made me angry. The men writing (all men, as usual, in the articles I read) were very moralistically concerned about what they construed as women's failure to behave "equally". They said it's phony or amoral or immoral for a woman to ``pretend'' interest if she's really not interested. Let's get real here. Back when I was a liberal arts Phi Beta Kappa college graduate working as a waitress, secretary, etc., -- this was the early 70's -- it was PART OF THE JOB to make nice to male bosses and customers. By "make nice" I mean, I guess, what you call "pretending interest". I remember this quite distinctly because I had a feminist consciousness then as now, and was fired from one waitress job, where the clientele was mainly businessmen, for not being "outgoing" enough. The boss said I didn't smile enough and my skirt wasn't short enough. (Nobody mentioned skirt length when I hired on.) Nothing was mentioned about the quality of my work, which was, I think, perfectly acceptable. My tips were no different from anyone else's. This upset me quite a bit, since I was in pretty desparate straits financially (as women alone tend to be). I submit that WOMEN'S FINANCIAL REALITY dictates a lot if the behavior you guys find so distasteful. The jobs that are available for women are very often these sorts of service jobs, where you make nice or you don't work. I would like to think that my experience was unusual, but I've read and heard too many similar stories. Behave as an equal? Are you kidding? Women in these jobs walk a tightrope. They have to be pleasant, but not TOO pleasant, or, God forbid, they might offend people like you. And behaving "like an equal" is out of the question; "you want to keep working here, honey?" You all will say this wasn't what you meant; you're talking about women who REALLY ARE equal behaving as though they're not, right? Well, of course in some metaphysical sense women "really are" equal to men, and of course there are some (few, I think) women who seem to EXPERIENCE themselves that way (Laura Creighton comes to mind). But it seems to me that for most of us, behaving like men's equals is not a habit; it still just does not seem like an option in many situations. It doesn't even occur to us. Most of us, much of the time, feel like we walk the same tightrope as the waitress or receptionist. Sandy LaFave
edhall@randvax.ARPA (Ed Hall) (04/20/84)
+ As one of the people Sandy seems to be attacking (well, it *feels* like it) for an unrealistic viewpoint, let me just state that my opinion on phoniness is far broader than just this issue. I probably wouldn't make it very far in the business world because of this. But I'm not going to push my private morals onto anyone else; some people I like and have great respect for know how to `play the game' and play it well. My observation that `you can't achieve moral ends by amoral means' was perhaps a bit too preachy. But in this case I think there are very realistic reasons why it is true. On an individual basis, being able to exploit your sexual nature to get ahead in business can get you exactly that--ahead in business. But it means that other women will then have to play the same game, and you will have to continue playing it as well. And you'll be perpetuating the very stereotypes you are trying to overcome. Also, if you play the game long enough you have a good chance of finding that someone has `gotten the wrong idea' and wants more than just a little flirtation--and is willing to make things miserable in all sorts of ways until you submit or find a way around. (And before someone jumps on me for it, I don't believe that much sexual harrassment is invited by the woman. But it seems that a flirtatious woman has a lot harder time fighting it, both officially and interpersonally. I don't like this at all, but I'm trying to be `realistic'.) So far as seeming `interested', in a non-sexual way, in people, I think you'll find that both male and female waiters have this required of them. The sexism is in the way women are `prefered' for these sorts of jobs, and not the jobs themselves. Besides, being pleasant and having respect for your fellow persons is hardly sex-based or phony. If you have to fake it, there is something wrong. -Ed Hall decvax!randvax!edhall