lipman@decwrl.UUCP (02/27/84)
From: closus::nerad
!@@@@@ libation to the gods of buggy net code...
(warning--this article contains person opinions expressed as generalizations,
partially to promote dialog (flame?) and mostly for semantic simplicity...)
Caveat emptor: I am a confirmed divorcee. Most people just relate to me as
being probably older, wiser, and possibly a bit jaded from the experience.
Divorced people want to talk to me about marriage, as do older married people.
Engaged and young marrieds usually find me to be a bit soured on the subject.
I don't plan on getting (at least legally, but that's another article...)
married again ever. No justification for it. I don't need it religiously, I
can live better with the social consequences of NOT being married than with
the consequences of being married. I am not anti-marriage, but I feel
compelled to take devil's advocate position, since it is against the tide of
social pressure to buck institutions.
Yes, Virginia, being married IS different from living together. It takes a
great deal of individual drive not to be forced into a Couple mold. If this
is what you want, all is well and good. But be warned.
For my part, my marriage was the confirmation of a joyous relationship between
two intelligent individuals who found something special in each other, and
(wonder of wonders) were able to live in the same household as partners,
helpmates and lovers. I soon found why marriage is called a "union." You can
go into it as an individual and come out as a Half.
Being engaged almost made it worth it. In this culture, being engaged is like
preparing the Queen for her coronation. Along with being pregnant it is one
of times a woman is celebrated for fulfilling her proper role in a very
blinding way. My engagement and wedding was a great deal of fun. I just
never realized that after the marriage was done, I would be Married.
I am a young woman who was married at 20, and divorced at 22. I found that a
great difficulty in marriage is that you become part of a subculture which I
will call Couple Culture for the purposes of this discussion. Suddenly you
cease to be asked to do things interesting by people who are not part of a
Couple. You are thought to be strange/unfaithful if you do to many things
without the Other Half of the Couple. People come to you more with their
problems who may even be older and wiser than you, simply because since you
are Half of a Couple you are obviously stable, and therefore have your s***
together.
Couple Culture is a great taboo subject in normal society. Like the unspoken
lore of the business world, it is a mystery which requires elaborate
initiation. In the business world, it is rare for anyone to explain to a new
person the intricacies of office politics--one is expected to gain experience
and learn the mysteries mostly from a reaction to the environment. Equally,
Couples are expected to conform to the expectation of society, that they be
united, share almost all their interests, be socially active primarily with
other Couples, be wise and stable and open to counseling non-Coupled friends
(more than a single person). Few more experienced people will tell you about
these pressures explicitly. Few people are concious of these pressures from
either side of the barrier. Many people find themselves disassociated from
too many things from their non-Couple days, and are discontent in their
relationship, often without knowing why.
Statistics mean little, but consider the 4/5 divorce rate. I know, it will
never happen to you. But much has been made of raising the conciousness of
women, and not enough emphasis made on what I believe to be the real issue
here: the liberation of the individual from imposed stereotypical behavior.
Raise your conciousness (apologies to folks who don't like the term) in all
your inter-personal relationships. Consider the way you relate to all people.
EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT FROM YOU, whether in race, sex, sexual preference,
social standing, business position, expertise, religion, or other belief set.
I think we need to be humanists in the most general sense, rather than
anti-sexist, anti-racist, anti-agist.... Promote a realistic and generally
positive attitude, a sense of wonder and joy tempered with awareness that
there are bad things in the world. (But I diverge...)
Never go into any relationship without being alive to the context
you/they/society is imposing on the relationship. Consider alternatives to
the social default. Do you need to be subservient to a professional superior?
Do you need to be condescending to a child? Do you need to be married to
affirm a relationship?
Know thyself!
Shava
Shava Nerad {decvax, allegra...}!decwrl!rhea!closus!nerad
Telematic Systems
55 Wheeler St.
Cambridge MA 02138plaskon@hplabsc.UUCP (Dawn Plaskon) (05/16/84)
Hi Shava, WE have had this discussion before and, as you know, I agree with a lot of what you say on the subject. I think, though, that more often than not the limitations on activities when married are imposed by our OWN expectations of what our actions should be. When I was married (7 years, most unhappy) I went out occasionally with women from work but only over the protests of my husband who felt that "Women should not go to bars without their husband". He was not prepared to take me on his excursions though. I did not pursue many of the things in life which interested me because of a mistaken notion that I needed to do such things with my partner. At the time that I began to pursue my own interests my marriage quickly fell apart and ended in divorce. I am now involved in another relationship, two years this month, and have many interests not shared by my SO. The significant difference is that in this cycle I am actively pursuing those interests. I think our relationship is strengthened by my constantly widening horizons rather than weakened. I hope to see you next time I am back East, or be sure to see us if you are back this way.