mokhtar@ubc-vision.CDN (Farzin Mokhtarian) (08/24/84)
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I am going to try to give a more detailed answer to the question:
"Why sensitive men may be lonely but assholes get a lot of attention?"
Judging by personal experience and observations, I think that a sensitive
man will have a "harder" time accepting the traditional male sex role. That
is what is usually meant by learning the rules of the game. The sensitive
one will probably spend a lot of time questioning and evaluating that role
and may never be happy with it. The "not-so-sensitive" one will likely worry
about learning all the rules to play "a better game".
The traditional male is strong, dependable, decisive, independent and
unemotional (so much for stereotypes!). Lack of any of these qualities can
easily mean that the guy is not a true man yet (whatever that is!), or at
least not one good enough. The "asshole" can easily learn the role and play
it. If the sensitive one is not content with playing the role, he will
suffer if he lacks some of those qualities. He can only *grow* strong and
remain sensitive if his sensitivity is acknowledged (supported, encouraged)
by some one(s) who care(s) more about sensitivity than about sticking to
sex roles (Obviously this is not intended for those who think sensitivity
is just a nuisance).
What happens when the sensitive (and perhaps not-so-secure man) encounters
women? He is likely to make her uncomfortable because an interaction with him
would require her to be less traditional, to break (or bend) the rules, to
step into unknown territory. If he is lucky, he will meet a woman who is not
too afraid to do that. But how many of those are around? Is it her fault?
Hardly so. Her traditional upbringing (conditioning) says nothing about it.
Who can she deal with more easily? The more traditional type, sensitive or
not.
Too often sensitivity is let go of because it hurts too much. Women
(feminist ones at least) ask for sensitivity (gentleness, openness,
understanding) from men. This requires him to somehow relax the sex roles
which are the products of thousands of years of male conditioning. Does
she realize what she is asking? Is she willing or able to relax *her* sex roles
when dealing with men? What I see tells me only a small number of women can do
that.
In conclusion, I haven't tried to "lobby" for the "sensitive kind". Only
tried to say that true equality will require a relaxation of the traditional
sex roles of *both* men and women.
Farzin Mokhtarian < ubc-vision!mokhtar >
mokhtar@ubc-vision.CDN (mokhtar) (09/11/84)
> I have to agree that sensitivity is probably a minority orientation, > and that many women will reject a sensitive man for anything from > a vague sense of discomfort over his feelings to the idea that he > is not ``man'' enough. But my own experience is that there are more > women looking for sensitive men than there are sensitive men. All > too often I've seen a friend ``discover'' a sensitive man, only to > find out that she really has just found an overgrown baby who is > most sensitive to his own needs and in her feelings only so far as > it allows him to further his own ends. > There are enough ``sensitive'' assholes out there to give sensitive > men a bad name. At least you know where the macho types are coming > from. > -Ed Hall > decvax!randvax!edhall If he was an asshole, perhaps he wasn't very sensitive to begin with. If she mistakenly judged him to be sensitive, she is suffering from her own wrong judgement. Assholes are always out there and they can give anything a bad name. Aren't misunderstandings about what it means to be `sensitive' more likely to give sensitivity a bad name? If she is truly searching for sensitivity, she can not expect to find it in a man who worries about playing masculine because there is simply no room in that for sensitivity even if we like to believe to the contrary. That means that she can no longer play feminine. That requires a change of attitude. And this change is necessary because if she sticks to her own sex role, she will be supporting the male sex role in the men she meets and the male sex role is not very friendly to sensitivity. It's easy to say that many women `look' for sensitive men. I wonder `how' they look for them! Farzin Mokhtarian < ubc-vision!mokhtar >