barbaraz@tektronix.UUCP (Barbara Zanzig) (10/10/84)
Well, here it is folks, the summary of responses to my "Endearments"
question. Thanks to all who replied - you gave me some interesting
perspectives on the question. And I love getting mail!
One thing I thought was interesting was that more men than women were
"against" them.
I've deleted people's names, but have indicated what sex they are.
I didn't include net articles.
Barbara Zanzig
{allegra, decvax, ucbvax, ihnp4, hplabs, zehntel, ...}!tektronix!barbaraz
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(female)
I like the use of endearments in close relationships (though I do think if
it was to the exclusion of my name, I might wonder). It doesn't have to
be de-personalizing; it almost borders on 'nickname'. The difference as
I see it is that 'endearments' are the most common 'nicknames'. For
instance, my father frequently called my younger sister, 'Doll'. One (!)
time, he called me 'Doll' and my sister went into a rage. Her response
was basically, "I'm your doll!" (Fortunately, her consciouslness has since
been raised!). But my father stuck to 'sweetie' when referring to me there-
after.
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(male)
I've tended at times to use endearments, both with SO's and with people in
my life. If they are not used as a demeaning term I don't see anything
wrong with them. As a matter of fact, my name spelling comes from an
endearment of a dear old SO who thought that '************' was cute.
Unfortunately, it caught on with friends, fortunately, I was able to
truncate it severely... I don't think they depersonalize a relationship at
all. Rather, it is something that is very much for the two of you alone and
can add a special touch to it.
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(male)
I'm not really into endearments. I find it touching when a girl who I'm seeing
starts to call me ******.
When I was growing up, my parents and relatives weren't really into endearments,
so I guess I never got used to hearing them.
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(male)
I agree with you. I find endearments embarrassing, and one means which
past girl friends have used to tease me. Adjetives applied to my name I
enjoy (as in little *****, though I am no longer little, or big *****).
Somehow they tend to personalize the relationship more.
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(female)
My fiance and I call each other all sorts of names. Some
are good, like cutie or kitten, some are funny, like tasmanian
water-rat, and some are nasty(but not said in a nasty tone of
voice), like runt, or bum. The names change every once in a while.
They are far from constant. We both like making up new names,
especially the silly ones. They definitely are terms of endearment
and familiarity.
My fiance is the only person who I've ever used endearments
with. I've never been close enough with anyone else. I take that
back. There was one other guy, but I can't remember what I called
him(except creep after we broke up!).
I think endearments are a sign of closeness, but some
people are able to use them when they're not so close to someone.
It all depends on how close "close" is to you. For me it takes
a little while.
I don't mind when my friends use them. I also have a
friend who calls a lot of people "sweetie" and it doesn't bother
me. We are close friends and no one seems to mind. It's part of
her personality. On someone else it might not sound right.
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(male - by the way, I DO know this person.)
Hi, sweetie ! (Sorry, I couldn't resist that one, but see below for a serious
opinion)
[copy of article deleted]
I agree. If the person who is using the endearment towards me is one
with whom I have something more than just a casual 'Hi, there' in the hall kind
of relationship, I like it. But for those people who use it for everybody...
****BLETCH !!!! ****
>> I have a woman friend who calls me "sweetie" and it used to drive me up the
>> wall. I've gotten used to it though.
I've had friends like this and I *never* get used to it. It still
drives me up the nearest wall.
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(male)
Sure, it is possible to raise objections to the use of endearments
but ****** and I used them and it felt great. If you're not that
intimate then it would be a mistake. I don't know how intimate is
enough but ******'s the only one I've ever felt that way about.
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(male)
I strongly agree with you on the Negative side on why I would not use
such "endearments." However in lieu of such intimacies I use nicknames.
For example, I do not call my wife "dear" or "honey" but I do call her
"Val" for, of course, Valerie. Now I realize that most everyone who knows
her will call her that and not make my address special but so what?
Personally I think this honey and dear stuff is stupid and childish,
like junior high icki-pooh type of talking.
For what it's worth ...
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(female)
Hi! I found your question on endearments rather interesting. When I
was little, I *hated* it when a stranger called me "honey" (e.g.,
clerk in a store). Now, I ignore it.
I consider these endearments a form of intimacy. When someone I am
fond of calls me by an endearing name, I always take it as a
compliment. When someone I dislike calls me by these same endearing
names, I get riled.
I have a real problem with names, though. I frequently call people by
the wrong name, even though I know their names. For instance, when we
were all living at home, I almost always called my two younger
brothers by each other's name. Now I call my husbands two sons by
each others name. So it is very safe to call the children "honey
bunny" or "sweetie".
I know what you mean about a woman friend calling you "sweetie"; I
used to have a woman friend who called me "love". That took some
getting used to!
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(female)
In my current relationship, my boyfriend and I occassionally use cute
names when we first address each other on the phone or in a letter, but
usually it's just for kidding. Things like "Hey, sexy lady, whatcha doing
tonight?" get old very fast, but they are cute the first time. He managed
to get through an entire year of letters with each one having a unique
address (dear, my true love, honeybuns, ...). But when we are together,
we don't use those names. We use our given names (***** and ****) or things
like hey you.
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(can't tell - whoever it is has a good point about sugar, though)
I never liked hearing, or using, the ones that refer to sugar
or sugar substitutes. We have enough trouble with sugar in this
society without tying it up with love.
The rest are OK by me, though. You've GOT to say something once
in a while to explain how you feel, and why use ten sentences if
you can do it with a tone of voice and a word?
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(male)
I'm crazy(and married), but I could never say "honey", and my wife calls
me that all the time.
Being married probably keeps me out of the mainstream of what you seem to
be asking for, since I routinely call my wife anything from "hi you"(meaning
YOU, as in mmmmmmm) to "sweet buns"(something we also both call our children).
It really does have a lot to do with what is behind it. As you mentioned,
it can be depersonalizing or truly endearing. Calling someone you barely
know "baby", "sweetheart", "honey", etc. is pretty rude in my mind, but what
you say to one that you love and share your heart and yourself with usually
carries the appropriate meaning.
Did that help? I hope so. It helped me.
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(male)
From my childhood in Australia, I recall the endearment "love" used
by women behind the counter, as in, "Whada ya want, love?",
"A pound of snaggers, please!", "Righto, love!".
A woman friend calls you "sweetie", and a friend from school never
seemed embarassed to call me "dear" (although I should admit he
was what could be politely termed `queer').
The way I see it there are two forms of endearment: the nick-name
endearment (e.g., honey, sweetie, darling, pig [yes, pig is what
Mrs. Winston Churchill called her husband with boundless affection])
and the descriptive endearments (e.g., my dear, my delicate rose-
petal, my one and only, dearest angel, and others--see Dickens for
some great examples).
In those moments of privacy between two intimates such endearments
would have to be seen as harmless--no where near your "depersonalizing"
effect if used genuinely. The given christian name of a person is
what everyone uses; it is public property. So a special name or
embellishment just for someone special is OK by me.
Now, if you want to know what is really annoying, what about those
that take it on themselves to contract christian names into a
familiarity? Whereby "Susan" becomes "Su" or worse "Suzy"...
or "Barbara" becomes "Babs"?? Now there's something to get hot
under the collar about!
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(male)
For my tastes if the couple is not married, endearments like 'honey' and
'dear' tend to gag me. The boyfriend/girlfriend pair who do this a lot
sound much too gooey for me. In public I call my girlfriend by her first
name and leave it at that.
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(male)
I think that endearments such as 'sweetheart', etc. are
are not impersonal as a result of not being applied to
just anyone, as you mentioned. I see them as actually
being more intimate than being called by your given name
since anyone can call you by your name, but only an SO
can justify referring to you by an endearment.
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(male)
I don't know about you, but I don't feel at all depersonalized when my
girlfriend calls me "honey" or "sweetheart". In fact, it is one of the more
pleasant things in life. I never get tired of hearing it. But, our favorite is
just "I love you", but I think that fits the same category.
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(male)
I feel that should always be special words you use to address your SO,
though they do not need to be `endearments', per se. My old SO & I would
use "dear", and "sweetie", but would often use "muckface" and "scuzball"
if things got too mushy. Sometimes, it's not what you say but how and
when.
On the other hand, we used to go out with another couple (engaged at
the time). The man would address the woman as "honey", "love", "lovey",
"dove", "dovey", "lamb", "lamby", "lambkins", "sweetheart", "sweety", etc.,
etc., ad nauseum. In fact, I'm not sure I ever heard him use her name!
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(male)
Like you, I think that endearments can make a person feel very special.
They don't even have to be "sugary". (One dear friend calls me [by my full
name] when all the rest of the world knows me as "****", and when she says
it, I need no other nicknames).
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(male)
I would never use them on anyone but my wife.
Well, perhaps with a daughter.
I commonly call my wife "sweetheart".
I also quite frequently call her "blunderbuss", though.
Don't know why.carson@homxa.UUCP (P.CARSTENSEN) (10/10/84)
Guess this is my last chance to respond to this: In NJ, natives of a certain age (> 40?), regardless of sex, seem to refer to folks of another certain age (< 40?) as "doll" or "hon" (Drives me nuts...) One of my former housemates was told a whole hierarchy of endearments, used to indicate degrees of affection, by a guy she was starting to get interested in. All I remember is that she started giggling too hard at "princess" for him to finish. I've gone by "kiddo", but that was a long time ago...I still use "boss, lord and master, sir" but the giggling tends to negate the words :-) I've also been guilty of using "precious, catch, jewel, pearl, find, honische, peach" plus whatever else I think of on the spur of the moment before the giggling takes over... Patty
paulh@tektronix.UUCP (Paul Hoefling) (10/12/84)
> One of my former housemates was told a whole hierarchy of endearments, > used to indicate degrees of affection, by a guy she was starting to > get interested in. All I remember is that she started giggling too > hard at "princess" for him to finish. Come to think of it, there was one delightful young lady that I used to call "princess". Of course, that started after she dressed up as Princess Leia one Halloween... -- Paul Hoefling (...!tektronix!paulh)