sunil@ut-ngp.UUCP (Sunil Trivedi) (06/06/85)
Another friend of mine is off to India to do what he must: get himself a wife. I asked him whether he had a particular girl in mind to which he re- plied, "My family will find a girl for me." Has anyone ever wondered why "arranged" marriages are so popular with the 'educated' when 'love' marriages are on the rise? And why was it so pop- ular in the past? Sunil Trivedi sunil@ut-ngp.ARPA ...!ut-sally!ut-ngp!sunil
phaedrus@eneevax.UUCP (Pravin) (06/06/85)
Umm...I am not an expert on the topic (having lived here most of my life)
but, I have talked to my parents (who had an arranged wedding) about it.
My mom claims that to a certain extent arranged marriages are more fun
and end up a lot more successful than `love' marriages because:
1) One has very few expectations, so one is usually very adjusting.
2) Most of the fun (initially anyway) is finding out about each other
(ie, getting to know each other).
And because one has very few expectations, I guess you accept the other
person easily. Of course, I am not talking about the 100,000 rupee dowry
cases...there, somebody is expecting a hell of a lot.
Finally, the traditional and cultural aspect of the whole thing. This
thing has been going on for (I presume) thousands of years and it's
probably built into many people's psyche. If one is brought up in an
environment where that is the norm, one isn't going to change his point
of view just because he is `educated'. Anyway, I don't think that
education and arranged marriages are mutually exclusive.
Rambled a bit...sorry.
--
Pravin Kumar
Don't bother me! I'm on an emergency third rail power trip.
ARPA: phaedrus!eneevax@maryland
UUCP: {seismo,allegra,brl-bmd}!umcp-cs!eneevax!phaedrussohail@terak.UUCP (Sohail M. Hussain) (06/07/85)
> > Another friend of mine is off to India to do what > he must: get himself a wife. I asked him whether > he had a particular girl in mind to which he re- > plied, "My family will find a girl for me." > > Has anyone ever wondered why "arranged" marriages > are so popular with the 'educated' when 'love' > marriages are on the rise? Being 'educated', for people from our part of the world, almost implies that the person came here to study, this ofcourse imples that the person grew up 'back in the old country', and thus has a lot of beliefs, and follows our customs and heritage. This kind of a person would not really be happy with a 'western' girl, or even a 'westernized' girl. So what is he to do. He can go home and try to find a bride, fall in love, etc, etc. (though this is not the kind of thing that this person would do), But falling in love takes time, and typically when this person goes home, he does not really have time for this, Lets face it, how long a leave can you get, when you go home, a few weeks at most. So what is he to do, he must rely on his family to find him a girl. sohail -- Sohail Hussain uucp: ...{decvax,hao,ihnp4,seismo}!noao!terak!sohail phone: 602 998 4800 us mail: Terak Corporation, 14151 N 76th street, Scottsdale, AZ 85260
niyogi@sunybcs.UUCP (Debashish Niyogi) (06/08/85)
> Has anyone ever wondered why "arranged" marriages > are so popular with the 'educated' when 'love' > marriages are on the rise? > I too am surprised at the fact that after having lived independently for several years in this country, a few people still don't want to take the responsibility of choosing their own mates. They have presumably made many important decisions independently in the past few years (the decision to come to a place 10000 miles away from 'home' cannot be an insignificant one), So why leave one of the most important life decisions to others ? I have a feeling that those who do this (let their parents/relatives choose their mates for them) somehow lack the self-confidence to make their own decisions. To put it simply, it's a cop-out. The sentiment here seems to be : "If I let my parents find a bride/groom for me, I won't have to go through the trouble of finding one myself". I'm glad that when Sunil referred to these 'educated' people, he put the 'educated' in quotes, because that's exactly how I feel about it. The essence of education is to be able to make mature decisions and judgements, and these people who let themselves get married to someone they barely know, can hardly be called educated in that sense. Most of my friends in the U.S. (the married ones, that is) did not have "arranged" marriages. That makes me feel good; I know I have friends who are truly educated. And you can bet your diamond wedding ring that when I marry, it won't be an "arranged" marriage. -- --- Debashish Niyogi ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- UUCP : {burdvax,rocksvax,bbncca,decvax,dual,rocksanne,watmath}!sunybcs!niyogi CSNET : niyogi@buffalo ## Computer Science Dept.,SUNY at Buffalo, ARPA : niyogi%buffalo@csnet-relay ## 226 Bell Hall, Amherst, NY 14260. BITNET: niyogi@sunybcs ## (716)-636-3197 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dss00@amdahl.UUCP (dss00) (06/11/85)
> > Has anyone ever wondered why "arranged" marriages > are so popular with the 'educated' when 'love' > marriages are on the rise? And why was it so pop- > ular in the past? > > > Sunil Trivedi > sunil@ut-ngp.ARPA > ...!ut-sally!ut-ngp!sunil Stop wondering. Try it. You just may like it; I should know....... By the way, ever wondered why the "arranged" marriages hold on while those based on "love" have a greater probability to breakup ? I think it is because when the basis of "love marriages" (i.e. LOVE) evaporates, so do the marriages. On the other hand the "arranged" marriages keep on going strong because they never were based on such fragile a thing as "love". Oh boy! Did I say all that? It's only Monday. Jai Hind..... -- Deepak S. Sabnis ...!{ihnp4,hplabs,amd,nsc}!amdahl!dss00 (408) 746-6058 (Usual Disclaimer Here)
dss00@amdahl.UUCP (dss00) (06/11/85)
> > I have a feeling that those who do this (let their parents/relatives choose > their mates for them) somehow lack the self-confidence to make their own > decisions. You got it all screwed up buddy. Parents in these situations usually do the initial screening to see various things that affect compatibility. Unless one is a total moron (in which case one wouldn't have gone far with education either), the final decision is with the involved personalities. > To put it simply, it's a cop-out. The sentiment here seems to be : > "If I let my parents find a bride/groom for me, I won't have to go through > the trouble of finding one myself". I'm glad that when Sunil referred to these > 'educated' people, he put the 'educated' in quotes, because that's exactly > how I feel about it. The essence of education is to be able to make mature > decisions and judgements, and these people who let themselves get married to > someone they barely know, can hardly be called educated in that sense. > > --- Debashish Niyogi One of the signs of intellectual adulthood is realization of the fact that there are no absolute truths. Education has nothing to do with "CONFORMITY". As a matter of fact if education forces me to conform *completely* with any established ideology, I think it has failed in its main purpose. Whether you marry someone you met at school or workplace or in the neighborhood (ala "love marriage"); or a person you selected from amongst those your parents screened and you later met (ala "arranged marriage") is for you to decide. Both systems have their merits and demerits. Ridiculing anyone's intelligence or education merely because he or she chooses one way over the other is only a sign of intellectual extremism and ideological intolerance. These are personal choices. Jai Jawaan, Jai Kisaan........... -- Deepak S. Sabnis ...!{ihnp4,hplabs,amd,nsc}!amdahl!dss00 (408) 746-6058 (Usual Disclaimer Here)
gupta@ucbcad.UUCP (Rajesh Gupta) (06/11/85)
> > Another friend of mine is off to India to do what > he must: get himself a wife. I asked him whether > ............. One reason why Arranged marriages are so successful is that they carry a kind of sanctity which many of the so-called love marriages lack. Arranged marriages are not just passing the responsibility to your parents ("cop-out") nor an indication of a lack of confidence. In a typical situation, one's parents have a wider social contact and are likely to meet a great many persons than just your "class- mate(s)". Regarding "maturity" of the choice: who can know and understand you better than your parents? No wonder most Arranged marriages end up being a more sensible choice of partners. Rajesh Gupta Berkeley gupta@ucbcad.ARPA
linda@amdcad.UUCP (Linda Seltzer) (06/13/85)
As an American reading this newsgroup, it was interesting to hear the comment "who can understand you better than your parents?". If the son or daughter gets along well with the parents, then an arranged marriage does not sound like a bad idea. The parents might know some very nice people. However, if the young person does not get along well with the parents, then problems could most probably occur. In my own life in the U.S. I was always interested in the arts professionally and my parents completely opposed it. Of course, my friends are always people who love the arts, and my parents hated such people. The thought of an arranged marriage would be a disaster. I have a friend who comes from a family in which many of the people are in medical professions - M.D., physical therapist, etc. He met his wife through his sister, and his wife was also in a medical profession. I wonder whether arranged marriages mean that wealthy people always marry each other and low income people always marry each other. For people who come from a low income or less educated family, in this country one looks forward to the opportunity to marry someone who might be a little better off or who has more education.
dave@cmu-cs-cad.ARPA (Bharat Dave) (06/15/85)
Whoever told you that *love* marriages are on the rise ? And what is wrong in being *educated* and not falling in love and into a marriage ? Look around and check the divorce rate of those supposedly *love* marriages. There is no guarantee either which way, no matter who does the arranging. As to why were the arranged marriages popular, traditionally, we had/have joint families. A new member *joins* a family whenever one of the family sons gets married and hence the family had the right to arrange. Besides, in the golden past, men and women believed in the wisdom of the elders ... now I would not ask why ... do you ever wonder why people live as *companions*, as *partners*, and not get *married* ? ..... there, it was/is a way of life. *LOVE* has been a sparse commodity (check any cultural history), braced only by very privileged or very foolhardy ! That is history, not my view of the world !! Wonder about THAT ! :: NO, I do not believe in arranged marriages, just that I do not think there is anything *abnormal* in it, either. Bharat Dave dave@cmu-cs-cad.ARPA
pc@hplabsb.UUCP (06/26/85)
There are probably more not-for-love marriages in existence
than the romantic would like to believe. It seems to depend on your
expectations about marriage (and partnership). I have known men of
Western-cultures who went at marriage as they would a car purchase:
a checklist of musts and preferences, then the one with the best cost/
performance gets the nod. [Some women probably choose husbands the
same way.] If the people in the marriage are to be functional partners,
there is no need for closeness, mutual admiration, or affection-- just
a kind of tolerance and some agreed-upon guidelines for behavior.
My mom used to tell me that it's easier to marry someone you
really like but don't love than to marry someone you love but don't
like. I think her point was that the passion of "love" ebbs and flows,
whereas a fundamental appreciation of the other person endures and
sustains. My experience is that you'd better marry someone you really
admire AND love or you won't have enough resources to make that partnership
work. But then, that's because I have high expectations for my marriage.
Patricia Collins
--
{ucbvax|duke|hao|allegra}!hplabs!pcganpaty@ut-ngp.UTEXAS (S.Ganapathy) (06/29/85)
From: pc@hplabsb.UUCP (Patricia Collins) Message-ID: <2987@hplabsb.UUCP> > If the people in the marriage are to be functional partners, > there is no need for closeness, mutual admiration, or affection-- just > a kind of tolerance and some agreed-upon guidelines for behavior. A functional marraige is unlike a business partnership hence the above statement does not seem to make much sense to me. I don't intend to offend you. > My mom used to tell me that it's easier to marry someone you > really like but don't love than to marry someone you love but don't > like. How can anyone marry someone that he/she likes but does not love ? If the above situation can arise in an arranged marriage then liking the person does not have any solid reason behind it. The feeling could be just impulsive. I also think that it is extremely difficult to love a person that you don't like. Liking a person I believe is a prerequisite to start loving him/her. > But then, that's because I have high expectations for my marriage. I hope your high expectations will be realized, but if they do not then, then maybe these expectations should be reevaluated to reflect the current trends and attitudes. S.Ganapathy ganpaty@ut-ngp.ARPA ...!ihnp4!ut-sally!ut-ngp!ganpaty ...!seismo!netword!ut-ngp!ganpaty
mokhtar@ubc-vision.CDN (Farzin Mokhtarian) (07/04/85)
> There are probably more not-for-love marriages in existence > than the romantic would like to believe. It seems to depend on your > expectations about marriage (and partnership). It also depends on how much you believe in love or how much confidence you have in love. > I have known men of > Western-cultures who went at marriage as they would a car purchase: > a checklist of musts and preferences, then the one with the best cost/ > performance gets the nod. [Some women probably choose husbands the > same way.] If the people in the marriage are to be functional partners, > there is no need for closeness, mutual admiration, or affection-- just > a kind of tolerance and some agreed-upon guidelines for behavior. It is not as easy as you try to make it sound. Obviously it is possible to make such a marriage "functional" but even people who settle for not-for-love marriages would not say that there is "no need for affection" because affection is a basic human need no matter how you reason about it. So if that affection does not come from their "functional partner", they will have to either look elsewhere for it or deny it to themselves. > My mom used to tell me that it's easier to marry someone you > really like but don't love than to marry someone you love but don't like. Did she tell you that it was also better? > I think her point was that the passion of "love" ebbs and flows, > whereas a fundamental appreciation of the other person endures and > sustains. Was she speaking of her "love" or love in general? Obviously love is not strong enough to last the realities of life, is it? In fact it is very fragile. Almost as fragile as life is. > My experience is that you'd better marry someone you really > admire AND love or you won't have enough resources to make that partnership > work. But then, that's because I have high expectations for my marriage. > Patricia Collins Nicely said but why do I get the feeling you are preparing yourself mentally for something more "functional/enduring/sustaining" than love? Farzin Mokhtarian ubc-vision!mokhtar ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Love is out of fashion now, but how come they still need it?"