seb@mtgzz.UUCP (s.e.badian) (09/06/85)
I don't want to start any flaming here, but I do believe certain things must be pointed out. I recently got married and didn't change my name. I feel that I have to make a statement about this since numerous men and some women have gotten pretty bent out of shape about it. >> Changing one's identity, presumably for life, is *NOT* a trivial >> issue. If it were, why aren't men changing *their* names upon marriage ? >> The wife's name-change is a relic of times when women were chattel, >> property, and if that's how you look at your wife, then you're the one who >> has some problems. Personally, I would not want to marry a man who would not >> agree to my keeping my name. >> -- >> jcpatilla From ray@rochester.UUCP (Ray Frank) Wed Dec 31 19:00:00 1969 >Why doesn't the preacher say "and now the bride may kiss the groom? >Why is there no flower boy following the groom? >Why is there no shower for the man, instead of a party that wrecks >his brain for weeks? At the risk of stating the obvious for some folks out there - these conventions, traditions, call them what you will, are going out the window. The preacher (rabbi, in my case) says what you want him to say. If you don't like it, you tell him to change it. And lots of couples are changing the ceremony. I had a double ring ceremony which is not traditional in the Jewish ceremony. But the rabbi was more than understanding about doing it our way. He personally thinks the original ceremony stinks because it does not include the bride. The same thing goes for everything else in the wedding. You do it the way you are most comfortable. And if you find something that is sexist, you change it. The traditions are not engraved in stone like some people seem to believe. >Because this is simply the way things have evolved. To make more out of simple >tradition than exists is just looking for trouble where there isn't any until >you play magician and create it out of thin air. This is one of the lamest excuses in the world. "Because that's the way it is!" The US had slavery for 100 years or more. Lots of people defended it by saying "We can't change that! It's a grand Southern tradition." And I don't think anyone would argue that all the laws that stated that blacks must sit at the back of the bus weren't racist and weren't a result of the blacks status in society, namely slave. So, we are not making up things when we say that changing your name is a carry-over from when wives were owned by their husbands. This is the way is was, and the vestige of that era, a wife taking her husband's name, is sexist because in some little innocuous way it preserves that sexist mindset. >If one so desired, one could easily make an issue out of a million and one >pratices that have evovled into traditions down through the ages. If a practice is sexist or racist, no matter how innocuous, it should be thrown away. Women don't make these complaints up. They are founded in history. In many cases it is very easy to see the connection between the tradition and some old sexist practice. There is no excuse for carrying on a tradition if it offends you. >I don't blame you for not wanting to marry a man who would treat you as prop- >erty. Who would want to? But why are you suggesting that changing names means >the same today as it did long ago? Who told you that or did you surmise this >yourself? You are going to get married presumedly because you love and or >respect each other. If this, the very foundation with which to build a life on, >is shattered simply by changing one's name, than I seriously have to doubt the >sincerity of your reasons for wanting to get married. And would you doubt the man's sincerity is he refused to marry a women who didn't want to change her name? This swings both ways. Why must she change her name to please him? I wouldn't marry a man who refused to let me keep my name. I would have serious questions about his commitment to equal rights. Equal rights means being able to keep my name if I WANT TO. It's my name; I will decide what to do with it. >If you fear losing your identity because of a name change, then you most likely >have a shaky self image to begin with. Other people have addressed this point. I will not go into it here except to say that I would hate to have some old friend not find me because my name is no longer what it was in college or high school. Though not as important as the idea of professional identity, I think it is still a very real reason for not changing your name. You've just removed your- self from your life before marriage. Though some people look upon this as a good thing, I see no reason to disinherit the life I had before I got married. Sorry it ran so long, but some things just have to be said. Sharon Badian ihnp4!mtgzz!seb ...you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need...