waltt@tekecs.UUCP (Walt Tucker) (01/31/86)
Just thought I'd throw in my two cents worth and give Cheryl a chance get
her fangs into me. Sorry, but you'll have to wade through a couple of
paragraphs of background material until you get to the relevant stuff.
For your reading pleasure, here is my situation:
I met Linda (now my wife) in college, where we went out together our last
few months there (this was seven years ago). She was majoring in accounting,
and I was majoring in electronics (both were associate degrees). Since I
was in a field that is limited to areas where there is a major
concentratration of high-tech industry (unless you want to go work in a TV
repair shop), and she was not, we pretty much assumed we would be going our
separate ways after graduation. Although we knew this would hurt, we knew
we had to persue our chosen career paths. No marriage plans were even
being considered at that point. Prior to meeting Linda, I went through a
similar situation with another girlfriend the previous summer where we met,
had a good time during the summer, but we each knew in the fall we would be
returning to schools 600 miles apart, where it would be rather difficult to
maintain a long-distance relationship (it still didn't make breaking up
any less painful).
I had graduation offers in the silicon valley area and the Portland, OR
area. At first I was settled on the silicon valley offer, but later accepted
the offer in Portland. The accounting field was not as easy to break into
at that time as electronics. When I still thought I was going to relocate
to California (about 3 months prior to graduation) I told Linda she could
come live with me if she wanted (we had only been going out a few months
at this point). Economically, she wouldn't have to worry about costs, and
the pickings for accounting positions would be easier in the San Francisco-Bay
area. When she was financially able, it was up to her if she wanted to
leave or stay. She, of course, rejected this (as I really expected her to).
We parted and Linda left school without a solid job offer or money (she
left school with $7.00 in her pocket). Due to her financial situation, she
moved back with her parents (located in a city of 100,000) and used that as
a home base for sending out job applications. Upon graduation, we parted
assuming we would continue a long-distance romance, but with neither of us
expecting it to last.
Suprise, suprise. A few weeks after graduation, Linda called and told
me she had a job offer around Portland (different company, though). She
moved to within a reasonable distance (40 miles to begin with), we continued
to go out, got more serious, and got married. As an aside, the decision
to get married took a couple of years before we knew each other was the
"right one". Sorry, folks, but it doesn't happen instantly. In our case,
love took time to nuture and grow. We both wanted to establish our
independence before stepping into marriage. You know when the time is
right. For us, it was when we were 25 (three years ago).
To bring this long story up to date, I am now a senior technical writer,
and Linda moved into a financial analyst position a few months ago. We
have both been persuing our bachelor degrees by taking night classes at
the local university. I am a term and a half from graduation, while Linda
still has about a year and a half to go. From time to time, we talk about
relocating. While it would be a good time to do so for me after I complete
my degree, there are a few prime considerations:
o The financial analyst job is one that Linda REALLY likes. She is
learning oodles of new financial things (don't ask me about it).
o If we moved out of the area, Linda would probably lose out trying
to transfer credits to another school.
o My position pays a few thousand dollars more, but Linda keeps gaining
on me every year.
The conclusion is if and when we decide to move, it will have to be
joint decision. While the near future would be a good time for me to
consider relocating, Linda needs a couple more years of experience at
her present position (remember she just started a few months back) to
learn the details and be marketable as a financial analyst. Also, she
needs to finish school (if she want to -- that's her decision) to have
the theory background. The area we would move to probably needs to be
an area of high tech concentration, since that's my job market (my market
is much narrow than the finance market, since most larger companies,
independent of type, need a finance department). However, this same
area should also be an area where Linda can find a job, too. Areas we
have considered are the sun belt and Colorado. In the mean time, there are
lots of companies in this area (Portland, OR) I could move to if I so desired.
Oh, yeah, one last point. Family. We have both decided we want one.
We have gotten pretty used to two incomes, and I would prefer that Linda
go back to work after the first kid (I do have some mixed feelings, though).
However, I told her if she wants to stay home, fine -- if she wants to
work, fine. I'll support her either way and try and do my part to pitch
in and help (since I have a flexible schedule and she doesn't I can probably
make things somewhat easier). She realizes the economic and career
implications of quitting work (we've talked about it), but we are still a
year or two away from having to face that decision.
I had better wind things up, as this is getting pretty long winded.
The key here is communication. You need to talk things out with your
SO. And, neither person is going to get everything they want (just like
this would be a better time for me to move). You have to be willing to
give and take, go with the flow, and agree on what's best for both.
That doesn't mean marriage is always democratic. But, in our case,
I think the time we spent exercising our independence before marriage helped
us to determine the type of life we want to have together after marriage.
When two people are involved, though, you can't have it all.
-- Walt Tucker
Tektronix, Inc.