gds@sri-spam.ARPA (The lost Bostonian) (09/01/86)
I was going to post an article about a particular aspect of my relationship with my SO but a couple of things stopped me. One, my SO reads this group sometimes. She does not have access to the net, but she reads it with me when she comes to visit. The other thing is that she comes to net.parties with me sometimes so people who she meets will know some things about her that she might not want known. I suppose it would be a good idea if I asked her what sorts of things she minded (or didn't mind) being said about her on the net. I was wondering though how other people whose SO's or spouses occasionally read about themselves on the net, or who other netters meet occasionally, feel about posting personal details about their SO's or spouses. Do you generally ask permission before posting? Are there certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post? Do you think this affects other people's perceptions of your SO? Do you think if you are critical of your SO on the net that you are not giving them a chance to defend themselves. --gregbo
licsak@hsi.UUCP (Don Licsak) (09/02/86)
> I was going to post an article about a particular aspect of my > relationship with my SO but a couple of things stopped me. One, my SO > reads this group sometimes. She does not have access to the net, but > she reads it with me when she comes to visit. The other thing is that > she comes to net.parties with me sometimes so people who she meets will > know some things about her that she might not want known. > > I suppose it would be a good idea if I asked her what sorts of things > she minded (or didn't mind) being said about her on the net. I was > wondering though how other people whose SO's or spouses occasionally > read about themselves on the net, or who other netters meet > occasionally, feel about posting personal details about their SO's or > spouses. Do you generally ask permission before posting? Are there > certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post? Do you think > this affects other people's perceptions of your SO? Do you think if you > are critical of your SO on the net that you are not giving them a chance > to defend themselves. > > --gregbo There is an old Chinese proverb that, loosely translated, says; "If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it" Also, would you like it if your SO was publicly critical of you? Think about it. -- Don Licsak ihnp4!hsi!licsak Health Systems International New Haven, CT 06511 "For Peace Of Mind, Resign As General Manager Of The Universe"
richl@tektools.UUCP (Rick Lindsley) (09/03/86)
In article <6688@sri-spam.ARPA> gds@sri-spam.ARPA (The lost Bostonian) asks: > I was > wondering though how other people whose SO's or spouses occasionally > read about themselves on the net, or who other netters meet > occasionally, feel about posting personal details about their SO's or > spouses. I've had an SO who was famous on the net. I think I was harder on my own postings than hers. In case she is reading, all of the examples I am giving are just that, examples. DO NOT read anything into these!! We talked about this very problem, and I asked that we not refer to each other by names because 1) it would call attention to ourselves, and I'm not really that kind of person, and 2) if we *did* want to get an opinion from the net, we might get a more objective opinion if they didn't know who that other person was. I'm not ashamed of her, nor she of me. I just dislike publicity. > Do you generally ask permission before posting? No, but we trust each other to be sensitive. We both would find it offensive, I think, to first learn of some problem in the relationship through an article. ("I've got this problem with my SO that we've never really discussed, and I'm wondering if my thinking on this is right or wrong and should I even bother to bring it up ..." [you just did!]) > Are there > certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post? Certainly. As I said, I'm harder on myself than on her. There are things I probably wouldn't post, but which if she posts doesn't particularly bother me. There are some things, though, that would bother me. For instance, it wouldn't bother me if she said her SO was tall or short or pudgy or thin, or went to college or generalities like that. Probably even stuff like "he's got this mole and it's shaped like a ..." wouldn't be annoying. But things that put me down (and I admit this is subjective!) would annoy me a great deal. ("He's fun and witty, but he has absolutely no originality" would probably prompt a private discussion. Don't talk about me in the third person! I might add that to keep things completely inconsistent, I would not chastize her if she stopped at the comma. [C'mon, I'm only human.]) > Do you think > this affects other people's perceptions of your SO? That's one of the main reasons I've rarely, if ever, mentioned her name. A few other net people know who she is, I'm sure, and she is friends with several of them. I don't know what their perception of her is, and it is not my place to ask, or change it. I would not want others, who *don't* know her, to use my obviously biased (either favorably or unfavorably -- depends on my mood at the time!) opinions as a basis for judging her. I would *never* say anything intentionally degrading about her, no matter what the reason. I would take it up in private (like all good netters should do :-)) > Do you think if you > are critical of your SO on the net that you are not giving them a chance > to defend themselves. Yes, in part. Criticize in private, praise in public, I always say. I always *try* to do that, though being human I'm sure I've not always been successful. Our personal differences need to be worked out between *us*. If she wants to discuss it privately with her net friends, that doesn't bother me. But to post them to net.singles seems to be creating an election I didn't campaign for and have no control over ("well, 35 people have responded and 23 thought he was a jerk and 12 thought I was too hard on him. That's pretty much what I thought; I think I'll go talk with him now." yecch. I've read all about it by now; spare me.) Rick
figmo@lll-crg.ARpA (Lynn Gold) (09/08/86)
In article <6688@sri-spam.ARPA> gds@sri-spam.ARPA (The lost Bostonian) writes: >I suppose it would be a good idea if I asked her what sorts of things >she minded (or didn't mind) being said about her on the net. I was >wondering though how other people whose SO's or spouses occasionally >read about themselves on the net, or who other netters meet >occasionally, feel about posting personal details about their SO's or >spouses. If you think the msg I posted wrt my husband and housework was bad, you should've seen what he sent to a rather large mailing list about our sex life! I was pissed, embarassed and looking at divorce as a real alternative. Since my husband and I met through electronic mail, and since he's quite active on the ARPAnet, and since many people know him better than me, anything that one of us posts has this devastating tendency to get back to the other one. Ever since the aforementioned discussions HE posted a few years ago, I make it a point to monitor what he says. I don't consider it anyone else's business where I do/don't like to be touched or whatever. > Do you generally ask permission before posting? If I consider the subject matter personal, yes. If I'm stating something which I purport to be an opinion of his, yes. If I'm just giving my viewpoint on something that doesn't affect him, no. If I don't care what he thinks if he should see it, no. It's been a LONG time since I've asked him for anything. > Are there certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post? Yes. I won't post anything about him where I'd object to him posting something something similar about me. I also won't post anything intimate without his okay. > Do you think this affects other people's perceptions of your SO? >Do you think if you are critical of your SO on the net that you are not >giving them a chance to defend themselves. Many people already have their own perceptions of my husband through their own experiences with him. Those who haven't met him or who don't know him well can and will be affected by what I do/don't say about him. On the same note, many people who know him feel they know me based upon things HE's said about ME, so it works both ways. My husband is perfectly capable of logging onto a machine which carries netnews and reading this group. He spends enough time reading the BBoards at Stanford and flaming back every day! --Lynn -- UUCP: ...lll-crg!figmo ARPA: Lynn%PANDA@SUMEX-AIM *********************************************************************** * Any resemblance between my postings and any person, living or dead, * * is purely coincidental. Besides, I'm only a guest user here... * ***********************************************************************
thoma@reed.UUCP (Ann Muir Thomas) (09/08/86)
As my XSO told me last night, one is bound to misrepresent the other person. Hence my postings about the shenanigans in San Diego weren't exactly a nice thing to do. I am going to stop posting about it; those of you who are my net-friends can discuss it with me via e-mail. My apologies to anyone who has been hurt by what I've said in the past 2 weeks. Ann Muir Thomas ...tektronix!reed!thoma