LAWS@SRI-AI.ARPA (12/21/84)
From: AIList Moderator Kenneth Laws <AIList-REQUEST@SRI-AI.ARPA>
AIList Digest Friday, 21 Dec 1984 Volume 2 : Issue 180
Today's Topics:
Humor - Jokes & Limericks & Linguistics & D/B Theory & Lardware &
Computer Museum Traveling Exhibit
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Date: Thu 13 Dec 84 09:21:09-EST
From: Bob Hall <RJH%MIT-OZ@MIT-MC.ARPA>
Subject: AI Jokes
[Forwarded from the MIT bboard by SASW@MIT-MC.]
Announcing the only annual
AI Joke Contest
Come up with a good cocktail-party-worthy joke about some aspect of
AI and win a U.C., Berkeley T-shirt! Enter as many times as you like.
Winner (exactly one) will be judged solely on the number of ``HA''s
evoked from the impartial panel of judges. Ties will be broken by
earliest postmark and contest ends after a sufficiently long time with
no entries.
To be eligible for a prize, you must include your address and t-shirt size.
Entries become property of the judges.
To Enter:
Mail via US Mail your entry in any legible format to
AI Jokes
1717 Allston Way
Berkeley, CA 94703
Please do not send any entries to me, as I am just posting this. I can,
however, answer limited questions on this, like "Is it legit?" (Yes.)
Enter Now!
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Date: Tue 18 Dec 84 16:38:26-PST
From: C.S./Math Library <LIBRARY@SU-SCORE.ARPA>
Subject: Call for Computer Science Limericks--ABACUS
[Forwarded from the Stanford bboard by Laws@SRI-AI.]
The journal Abacus will pay $25 for each original limerick related to computing
that is accepted and published. Send entries to Mr. Eric A. Weiss, Box 222,
Springfield, PA 19064. Submissions should be better than the following
samples:
Said a recent B.S. in E.E.
"Three things are important to me:
How much do you pay?
Must I work every day?
And the proof of correctness of C."
A professor (whose last name is Wirth),
After seeing Pascal through its birth,
Said, "It's better than Snobol,
More structured than Cobol,
And soon will take over the earth!"
This is strictly a public service announcement for those students who want to
make some extra money. I will make no comments about the above examples nor
my personal view of limericks in general.
Harry Llull
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Date: 11 Dec 84 19:29:24 GMT
From: sms@eisx.UUCP (Samuel Saal)
Subject: Oxymorons, Pleonasms and various forms of Bull
[Forwarded from net.jokes by SASW@MIT-MC.]
From "More on Oxymorons, Foolish Wisdom in Words and
Pictures".
Oxymoron: two antithetical words, adj vs. noun. eg.
Living Death (can be extended: They agreed to
disagree)
Pleonasm: sort of the opposite of an oxymoron, the adj or
adv agrees with the noun. eg. Wet Water (what
else could water be?) Tautology: a pleonasm
whose terms are joined by a copula. eg. At the
center is the middle.
Bull: the linguistic name for such linguistic pearls
of logic, enabling one to label examples of:
- self-contradiction (To be ignorant of one's
ignorance is the malady of the ignorant).
- self reference (Brain: an apparatus with
which we think that we think).
- the obvious (Who died? I'm not sure, but I
think it's the one in the hearse).
- "read the sentence twice and be amazed that
it was written" (The sudden rise in
temperature was responsible for the
intolerable heat) (Nobody goes to that
restaurant anymore, it's too crowded)
Sort the following according to the above rules:
1. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
(W.C.Fields)
2. You will always find something in the last place you
look.
3. He hadn't a single redeeming vice. (Oscar Wilde)
4. Nothing succeeds like success. (Alexandre Dumas)
5. New Innovation.
6. In these matters the only certainty is that there is
nothing certain. (Pliny the Elder)
7. For those who like this sort of thing, this is the
sort of thing they like. (Abraham Lincoln)
8. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his
head examined. (Samuel Goldwyn)
9. To visually see.
10. Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always
perfect. (Nicolas Chamfort)
11. One effect of the better lighting is the improved
visibility.
12. He lived his life to the end.
13. I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake
of claiming that I have never made one. (James Gordon
Bennett)
14. She's genuinely bogus.
HINT: There are 2 examples of each category (not counting
"Bull" but rather the subdivisions mentioned)
"Words are but a window on the word...."
Sam Saal
...ihnp4!eisx!sms
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Date: 08 Dec 84 20:27 CDT
From: Maxwell_L%VANDERBILT.MAILNET@MIT-MULTICS.ARPA
Reply-to: Maxwell_L%VANDERBILT.MAILNET@MIT-MULTICS.ARPA,
Subject: Language Deficiencies
There is a legend of a remote tribe of Indians in the Peruvian
Andes, the language of which has no word for "No." Should a
member of this tribe wish to communicate a negative response,
he will nod his head and say "I'll get back to ya." :-)
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Date: 17 December 1984 2105-EST
From: Jeff Shrager@CMU-CS-A
Subject: Discipline&Bondage Theory
[Forwarded by Laws@SRI-AI from a file typed from hardcopy
and made available by Jeff Shrager@CMU-CS-A. The original
author is James A. Matisoff of Berkeley.]
Announcing a new theory of language:
DISCIPLINE AND BONDAGE THEORY
Ffositam A. Semaj
Yelekreb
February 23, 1984
[APPLICATION TO THE GROAN FOUNDATION, WASHINGTON, D.C.]
It has become increasingly clear that the current linguistic theories
are inadequate to explain much of anything about language.
Yesterday, however, I conceived a new theory of language, which is,
finally, the correct one. Already I have found the solutions to virtually
all linguistic problems. A few details remain to be worked out, but this can
certainly be accomplished during the grant period.
Despite its explanatory and predictive power, my theory rest on a
very few simple ideas.
(1) The chief organizing principle of language is CONTROL.
That is to say, certain words should boss others around. This idea is
perhaps not entirely new, but my theory is the first to carry it one step
further, to the meta-theoretical level:
(2) The linguist must control language, not vice versa.
At no time must the theoretician allow himself to be hog-tied by mere
data. Too much unmotivated detail clogs the mind, and can led to "control
slippage." Endless time can be wasted on brute undisciplined facts. That
leas to our third axiom:
(3) The most highly valued theory is based on the most limited
and carefully selected data, preferably data gained from
solitary introspection by the linguist himself.
(In difficult cases, however, it is not methodologically unsound to seek
confirmation of one's grammaticality judgments from other linguists,
provided they are working within the same theory. It is for this reason that
I have included within this proposal a request for funds for consultation in
D/B Theory at other institutions.)
D/B Theory is correct precisely because it succeeds in *controlling*
and *dominating* language. The unique terminology required by our theory
reflects this orientation. (See below, GLOSSARY OF TECHNICAL TERMS.)
D/B Theory relates in the most efficient way imaginable to its
data base. I have, in fact, succeeded in formulating a single sentence that
is so rich in theoretical implications, that once it is properly
disciplined-and-bound it will serve all by itself as the corpus of data for
the whole theory. Here it is:
(4) Helmut asked her if Fatima could say wow what a nice day
to them sorta only if the beige one circumcised her with
a knout.
It need hardly be emphasized that my theory also applies to other languages
than English, indeed universally to the class of all possible languages.
Firm plans are in place to have (4) translated into French during the next
(1985-86) grant period.
On a more mundane level, note that D/B Theory uses much better names
in its example sentences than any other theory. While some theories use
anodyne names like John and Mary, and others offer unmotivatedly cutesy-poo
ones (e.g., Mortimer, Seymour, Snurdley), D/B Theory goes in exclusively for
names like Butch, Helmut and Fatima, thereby enhancing its predictive power
in pragmatic situations where discipline and control are at issue.
Notice also that (4) could never have been arrived at by the
"butterfly-collector" method of recording natural utterances. Fortunately,
D/B Theory enabled me to predict that the odds of (4) occurring in a natural
conversation would be quite low. If I had waited around to hear this
sentence uttered spontaneously I could never have formulated my theory so
rapidly, and would probably have missed the application deadline.
D/B Theory enables us to account in a principled way for the
otherwise puzzling fact that (4) is fully grammatical, while (5), (6), and
(7) are totally unacceptable:
(5) * Helmut sorta circumcised her with a knout.
(6) * Wow what a nice day sorta.
(7) * Helmut could say beige.
Even previous theories of language recognize that (7) violates a felicity
condition whereby the features [+male] and [+beige] are mutually exclusive.
If the feature specification for "Helmut" does indeed include [+male], these
theories would predict, quite correctly in this case, that (7) is
infelicitous. Only D/B Theory, however, explains why the acceptability of (7)
increases when it is disciplined by a strappadoed clause, as in (4).
Space constraints preclude our going into further detail here, and in
any event this discussion must necessarily appear somewhat abstract before
the special terminology required by D/B theory has been mastered. As a
warning to the reader, the following Glossary of Technical Terms has been
provided.
Learn them, and learn them now!
GLOSSARY OF TECHNICAL TERMS
CAT-O'-NINE-TAIL-MENT.
A clause which is reluctant to fit into our framework may be whipped
into shape by this operation, according to which any nine constituents may be
entailed by any nine others. Thus (8) may be cat-o'nine-tailed into (9):
(8) Fatima sucked the sherbert through a straw while her
Shiite eunuch guards leafed through a stack of girlie
magazines without much interest.
(9) The Queen of England opened Parliament with a knout.
As always, however, rigorous disciplinary techniques like this should
not be resorted to prematurely. It is usually advisable to try FROTTAGE
first, in order to relax the clause and throw it off its guard.
CLAUSE-ABUSE.
A cover-term for several more specific operations described below.
Occasionally a deeply embedded clause may be forced into self-abuse to avoid
subjugation or subincision at the hands of a clause that ranks higher on the
BOUNDEDNESS HIERARCHY.
CLAUSE-CASTRATION.
A clause is said to have undergone castration when certain members
have been removed in order to allow a rule to work more insightfully. Thus
(11) may be generated from (10) by this operation, which is actually
justified on independent grounds anyway, so that no special ad hoc rules need
be added to the grammar:
(10) What's all this ballyhoo about that balloon that was
embellished by the ballistic missile?
(11) What's all this yhoo about that oon that was embellished
by the istic missile?
Note that our theory correctly predicts that "embellishment" does not satisfy
the conditions for the operation of this rule, despite its surface similarity
to the castratable constituents. "Embellished" therefore survives
(temporarily) to undergo other sorts of clause-abuse that occur later in the
grammar.
CLAUSE-CRUCIFIXTION.
A crucified clause is one which has been generated by entailment.
The head of the clause remains free to move slightly, but the rest is bound
tightly to the tree. Ex-cruciated constituents are usually found to be much
more amenable to persuasion than before the operation applied.
CLAUSE-FROTTAGE.
An important preliminary discourse strategy that opens clauses up
for further discipline. Unlike its extreme form, KEELHAULING, which can
involve scraping the clause up one side and down the other, FROTTAGE requires
only a light movement from left to right and back again on the nodule which
is F-commanded by the subjugating member.
CLAUSE-STRAPPADO.
The weakest NP's hands are tied behind its back and attached to a
pulley by means of which it is pulled out from under the VP that had been
disciplining it and raised to the next higher clause, after which it is
suddenly dropped halfway back down with a jerk. Thus (12) may be strappadoed
into (13).
(12) Butch said fuck you or I'll take away your teddybear
with a knife.
(13) Butch said fuck you, teddybear, or with a knife I'll take
yours away, jerk.
Note that jerk-insertion must be ordered with respect to frottage, to avoid
generating such ungrammatical strings as:
(14) *Butch said fickledy-fuckledy you, teddldy-bearidy, jerk.
PROCRUSTEAN PRUNING.
A powerful process whereby unwanted constituents are lopped off
either from the beginning or the end of a clause, or both. This is related
to Pham Phuc Dong's 'constituent gerrymandering', though it is much more
rigorously applied within the D/B framework. Thus (16) may be derived from
(15) by "equi-PP":
(15) The chomeur had no place to go during the earthquake, so he
sat down by default, the chomeur had no place to go during the.
(16) Earthquake, so he sat down by default.
The questionable grammaticality of (16) is accounted for by the fact that
neither the pre-pruned nor the post-pruned constituents were willing to cross
the picket line.
PROTO-HYPE THEORY.
Proto-hype theory is an important adjunct to D/B analysis. Generally
speaking, it enables us to recognize whether a token is behaving
satisfactorily as a member of its type. (If a constituent is lacking in
discipline, we have ways to make it talk.) The following data are from
French:
(17) *Mordxe hot zix nebex aroysgeshnitn di kishkes mit a
tsibele-kuxn.
(Mortimer ripped out his guts on a buzz-saw, poor guy.)
Proto-hype theory enables us to predict that "tsibele-kuxn", literally:
"onion-roll", is nowhere near being a prototypical cutting instrument (though
sometimes in particular pragmatic situations poppy seeds may be rather
sharp). We thus reject (17) as ungrammatical.
TOUGH B-MOVEMENT.
Applies when a clause has become constipated through lack of roughage.
This is one of the more severe operations permitted by our theory, and should
only be used after milder processes like frottage and proto-hyping have
failed to dislodge the construction. Consider the following:
(18) *To do it squeezing over a pit full of viper without
bran muffins or prune juice is tough duty.
This is clearly ungrammatical and infelicitous as it stands, though, as my
theory predicts, a perfectly good reading is obtained if tough b-movement is
not allowed to apply until after the sentence has been sphincter-bound, as in
(19):
(19) It is tough duty to do it without squeezing bran muffins
or prune juice over a pit full of vipers.
The 3-way ambiguity of this sentence is likewise predicted by the theory.
***
All previous linguistic theories have been thinly disguised notational
variants of the flabbily sentimental "philology" of the past. With
Discipline and Bondage Theory, we serve notice on language that it is to be
coddled no longer. Broad new vistas of control have opened up. Let 1984 be
the year that we get back at language once and for all.
MAJ, Principle Investigator.
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Date: Thu, 13 Dec 84 14:06:32 cst
From: "Walter G. Rudd" <rudd%lsu.csnet@csnet-relay.arpa>
Subject: Architecture for Malogrithms
Kathy Daley, one of our graduate students, suggests the following:
Since the "hardware" will be running "underneath" the malgorithm,
why not call it "UNDERWARE"?????
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Date: Thu, 20 Dec 84 07:09:02 pst
From: Paul A. Ehrler <ehrler%cod@Nosc>
Subject: Lardware
My nomination for Lardware of the month goes to IBM. I recall seeing a
reference to an attempt of theirs to build a computer without an ALU.
The trick was to do everything with table look up, even arithmetic. I
guess they reasoned that first graders are pretty good at that sort of
thing, so why not automate it. It worked to some extent, but needless
to say was not an overwhelming commercial success.
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Date: Thu, 13 Dec 84 14:41:50 est
From: Walter Hamscher <walter at mit-htvax>
Subject: Computer Museum Traveling Exhibit
[Forwarded from the MIT bboard by SASW@MIT-MC.]
NOON, FRIDAY, IN THE 8TH FLOOR PLAYROOM
THE BOSTON COMPUTER MUSEUM
In conjunction with
THE REVOLTING SEMINAR SERIES
Presents a traveling exhibit especially for Graduate Students
COMPUTER POWER AND HUMAN FASHION
Featuring
THE VON NEUMANN TURTLENECK
Plus
NILS NILSSON'S ALPHA-BETA CUTOFFS
Also featuring a rare Huffman-clothes encoating and
a dress once worn by Herb Simon's wandering Aunt.
Hosts: Bonnie Dorr and Dave Braunegg.
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End of AIList Digest
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