barbaral@tekig1.UUCP (Barbara Lee) (11/19/83)
As my parents and friends' parents get older, (and sometimes sick or disabled), I've become more concerned about what I would do if my parents became unable to live by themselves. Would I offer to have them live with me? Would they live in a retirement home? A nursing home? I'd like to know how other families have handled this situation.
jrc@ritcv.UUCP (James R Carbin) (11/22/83)
I've not seen an avalanche of articles on this subject so I'll add my 2 cents.
I'm not sure that one can consider my situation relative to aging parents
to be at all representative as I am single and live alone. The stereotype
of the single child often includes taking care of aging parents. I don't
personally believe that I have any greater obligation to take care of an
aging parent than my married siblings.
However, for what it is worth, here are my thoughts.
Next Spring, my aging mother will move into my house which will include a
move of about 200 miles. While she is still able to get around and take
care of herself, there is a slow deterioration of her capabilities due
to arterial sclerosis. She is 79. My father passed away 10 years ago.
Why am I doing it? My rationale is simply, would it not be better to move
her close to me while she is still in relatively good health as opposed
to the prospect of the eventual need to place her in a nursing home at
some later date which would concurrently involve a long distance move.
What impact will it have on me? As a single male, it will certainly
put "a crimp in my style" relative to entertaining, etc. But I think
that I have come to the realization that this is probably a smart idea.
Even a few years ago, I would have resented giving up my freedom, but
now I can honestly look forward to the advantages of having her in my
house. We have discussed a number of delicate issues, and perhaps
somewhat surprisingly, there is no real difference of opinion. I have
insisted that she continue as a member of her lodge and that as long as
she is physically able, I want her to become involved in some kind of
volunteer work once a week. I feel that this will help her maintain
her sense of independence and keep her from becoming too dependent
upon me.
Well after these ramblings, what is the bottom line. I feel that if
the need arises in your family, you should address what you perceive
as the "problems," and then attempt to reconcile them. Some of these
will not be real problems that cannot be overcome, and for the rest,
it is surprising how much adjustment you can make when it does become
necessary. To use the cliche, "You do what you have to do!"
I cannot address "in-laws." I'm sure that this could present some other
difficulties that I will not have to face.
as ever,
j.r. {allegra,seismo}!rochester!ritcv!jrc
p.s. Gee it's nice to post something which I can't imagine generating
any flames. :-)
p.p.s. While these are not sufficient motivation to have a parent or parents
move in with you, consider the possible financial advantages (taxes),
babysitting, help with misc. tasks, etc. What it could well involve
is a relatively easy change in your lifestyle.amyh@fluke.UUCP (Amy Heidner) (12/02/83)
Several weeks back another user asked about taking older parents into one's
home. I thought I would share my family's experience, and see what other
folks have to say.
My mom's mother moved in with my folks 7 years ago after the family
finally realized she couldn't be left to live alone (she was forgetting
to eat, among other things. She had many friends in a local (to her
old home) nursing facility, with whom she used to play bridge twice a
week. The family gave her a choice of moving there (requiring the
release of most of her major assets like the house in return for
lifetime care) or moving in with my folks about 100 miles away
(paying rent and her own expenses).
To someone of her age (86 at the time) who had survived so many bad
times it seemed too hard to sign away the house, so she sold it and
opted to live with my folks. She seems to have enjoyed it, in general,
and some of my cousins and aunts and uncles have taken her into their
homes as a vacation for both Gmom and Mom. As she fades (now
recovering from her third stroke), however, it has become too difficult
for her to travel anywhere more than 10 minutes' ride from the house
and the wear and tear on my mom is showing. She cannot be left alone
for more than 20 minutes, both for her own safety and to prevent
accidents (she has burned up 3 teakettles of which I'm aware). My mom
engages a sitter (a spry lady in her early 60's) to cover while she
goes to work. The time may soon come when a nursing facility is
inevitable.
Was it a good decision? In retrospect, I think my mom would say yes. The
hardest problems have been the lack of privacy for my folks, and some of
the suspicion that comes from a fading mind fearing the unknown. Would I
do the same? I honestly don't know.
Amy Heidner John Fluke Mfg Everett, WA
{sscvax|teltone|microsoft|lbl-csam|uw-beaver}!fluke!amyh