amra@ihuxj.UUCP (Steven L. Aldrich) (03/17/84)
Why do we live in a society that frowns on tactile interaction
between people? It seems to me that a lot of people are really
afraid to be touched, embraced, etc.
If two people of the same sex, especially men, are seen embracing
the are suspected of being gay.
To me the best way to experience something is to feel, touch, taste
smell and listen to it. By brailing the world we develop an intimate
relationship with the universe and the people surrounding us.
Some people seem to feel threatened by physical contact with other
human beings. I'm talking about *non-sexual* contact, such as a pat
on the back, a hug, shaking hands, etc. Why is this true in our
society? Why is everyone so afraid to reach out to their fellow
human beings??
Maybe the reason that numerous people in our society feel isolated,
lonley, depressed, and un-loved is because there aren't enough
tactile individuals left in the culture.
After all we learn a large part of our inter-personal skills from
the models in our environment. If we are raised in a non-tactile
environment our models teach us to keep distance between ourselves
and others. We develop shallow, impersonal relationships and moan
about the fact that nobody really cares about us as individuals.
If on the other hand we are raised in a tactile environment we
develop an intimate relationship with our world and everyone in it.
The best way to experience a tree is to climb up one, listen to the
wind blowing thru it's branches, touch the bark and feel the ruffness.
To help clarify my main points I've chosen a selection from one of
my favorite authors/lecturers/teachers/models. These passages are from
the book "Living, Loving, & Learning" by Leo F. Buscaglia. I don't
know how many of you are familiar with this dynamic individual, but
I feel he is one of the most vibrant teachers/models of living in Love
throughout your lifetime.
The book is a collection of various lectures Dr. Buscaglia has given
over the last few years. I highly recommend any and all books he's
written. If you'd like further information about Leo Buscaglia just
send me EMAIL at IHNP4!IHUXJ!AMRA or POST to this newsgroup.
Without further rambling on my part, I will get to the text....
(Two Short Passages From)
Together with Leo Buscaglia
... You see, what we really need, the behavior modifiers tell
us, are good *models*. We need models of love, people who can
show us. Those of you who know my book Love know that I dedicated
it to my parents, Tulio and Rosa Buscaglia, because they didn't
teach me to love, they *showed* me how to love. And they had no
idea about behavior modification. But people like Bandura at
Stanford are showing us that the best way to teach is by modeling.
Without telling anybody anything, you *be* what you want your
children to be and watch them grow.
Many of you know that I grew up in a wonderful, great big,
fantastic Italian family and grew healthy and happy and wonderful
on bagna calda and pasta fassule and polenta and all those
marvelous dishes. But I also learned a lot of other things from these
models, most of which was taught without my knowing. One thing they
taught me is that we need to be touched and we need to be loved.
And so I've been touching and loving all my life and I've been having
a ball, touching and loving. It's been so nice and I didn't know that
in "the outside world" you don't touch and you don't love--not
without reservations. The first note I ever received from a teacher
in America was a note written to Mama. You can imagine how sensative
this lady was if she wrote the following to a poor Italian immigrant
woman who could barely speak English. "Dear Mrs. Buscaglia, Your son
Felice is too *tactile*." Can you believe that? I brought the note
home to my mamma who looked and said, "Hey what's this a-tactile?
Fellice, if you did something wrong, I'l smack your head in." I said,
"I don't know what tactile is Mama, honest. I don't know what I did."
So we went to the dictionary, which we did a lot of, and flipped to
the word "tactile." It says, to feel, to touch. Mama says, "So
what's wrong with that? That's a-nice You gotta crazy teacher." I
have never had an existential problem as to whether I exist or not.
If I can touch you and you can touch me,, I exist. So many people
are dying of lonliness because they are not touched." ........
..."I mentioned earlier about how estranged we are from each
other. In this culture we learn that the way to meet people
is to stand erect and say "How do you do?" Talk about a distancing
phenomenon! If you're real lucky, somebody will give their hand
and say "How do you do?" It's usually very quick. It's no wonder
that though we crave each other, we don't have each other. In our
culture, at the age of five and six, a boy is told "No more of this
hugging nonsense, you're a *man* now and men don't do these things."
I'm glad I was in a home where people said, "Who said?" Nobody in
my house said, "How do you do?" When the door opened and someone
arrived, everybody kissed. Everybody! Nobody was ignored, everybody
was touched. What a wonderous experience to be touched in love.
And there are many ways of touching. Do you know the wonder of
walking into a room and having people happy because you are there?
That's the greatest thing. Instead of an expression on their faces
saying "Oh my God, there he is again," a joyous smile appears because
you walked in. An aura comes with you that lights up the whole house.
Know that feeling? Don't miss it!
What amuses me, is that now we're finding out that scientifically
touching does make a differance in our lives, physiologically
and psychologically. There is a Doctor Bresler at the UCLA pain
clinic. He isn't writing regular prescriptions any more, he's
writing a prescription that says, "four hugs a day." People
will say the man is crazy. "Oh no," he says, "hug once in the
morning, once at lunch, once in the evening, and once before bed
and you'll get well." Dr. Harold Falk, senior psychiatrist at the
Menninger Foundation, said this: "Hugging can lift depression,
enabling the bodies immunization system to become tuned up.
Hugging breathes fresh life into tired bodies and makes you feel
younger and more vibrant. In the home, hugging can strengthen
relationships and significantly reduce tensions." Helen Colton
in her book, "Joy of Touching", said hemoglobin in the blood
increases significantly when you are touched, fondled and hugged.
Hemoglobin is that part of the blood that carries the vital
supplies of oxygen to the heart and to the brain--and she says
that if you want to be healthy, you must touch each other, you
must love each other, you must hold each other. One of the saddest
things in our culture is that we stress the sexual aspect of a
relationship way out of proportion. What a pity, because in
those things we are often missing the tenderness, the warmth. The
kiss when it's not expected, the touch on the shoulder when you
really need it most--That's "sensual" gratification."........
I really fell that Dr. Buscaglia is onto something that can be a
powerful cure for a lot of the despare, frustrations, and isolation
that overwhelm and alienate many people in our culture. We need to get
in touch with the ways and powers of love if we are going to try
to correct this situation.
I'll conclude this long posting with this thought;
"Shower the people you love with love. Show them
the way that you feel. Things are gonna be much
better if you only will." James Taylor
PEACE, LOVE, & BEST WISHES
From the ever curious mind of:
Steve Aldrich (ihnp4!ihuxj!amra)
P.S. "People are kind of like flowers; its been a pleasure
walking in your garden. My love goes with you!!"
(Grandpa Funk)karl@dartvax.UUCP (Karl Berry) (03/18/84)
ke someone, or to know that whoever is sitting across from me
likes me. Furthermore, I have no desire for relationships to be
miscontrued -- as you correctly pointed out, much touching in our
society is sexually oriented. If I lived in France, I might feel
differently, but I don't, we're stuck here where kissing implies
romanticism. Ok, so I won't kiss my friends.
Finally, people who don't like to be touched do not necessarily
have the attitude you give them, i.e., going about in a blue funk.
( A paraphrase, I know. ) They probably have reasons of their own for
not being as chipper as you want them to be, which have nothing to do
with getting hugged when you come in the door.
Let me conclude this rather medium-sized posting with
"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell? Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?"
-- R. Waters.
A non-tactile but not necessarily unhappy person,
karl@dartvax or {cornell,decvax}!dartvax!karlaeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent) (03/21/84)
I agree entirely with Steve Aldrich. It is one of the silliest of American
cultural mores that any touching between adults beyond a handshake is illegal
unless the people are romantically involved (gay or straight). I've read some
of Buscaglia's books and I really like them. I also know from experience that
I get rather out of sorts if I'm deprived of human contact--physical, but
non-sexual, contact, with members of either sex. (Fortunately, the church
group I attend encourages hugging.) I wish I weren't so shy about OFFERING
hugs to people (e.g. those in my church) who will understand what the hug
means (i.e. just something that's good for both humans involved, and not
a romantic come-on).
--
-- Jeff Sargent
{allegra|ihnp4|decvax|harpo|seismo|ucbvax}!pur-ee!pucc-h:aeq
Have you hugged your junk mail today?julian@deepthot.UUCP (Julian Davies) (03/24/84)
Yes I get hugs with some members of my church too, at the larger gatherings anyway. Re shyness, one of my friends when he wants a hug goes right up to someone and says "Can I collect a hug from you?" He gets one. Julian Davies
vange@stolaf.UUCP (Erin L. Vang) (03/28/84)
I agree, Steve, that love needs to find more physical expression than it generally does. Bravo for bringing this up! Now, a question, not only to you but to the net in general: How does one determine what gestures are to be interpreted as strictly platonic? Is there necessarily any difference? What would be considered border- line? Erin Vang ....ihnp4!stolaf!vange