eagan@phoenix.UUCP (Marianne D. [Sarno] Eagan) (07/20/84)
Below are the responses I received about my questions. Thanks to all of you who have responded. I have gotten both view points, which is what I was looking for. If anyone wants to hear future responses I may yet receive on this subject please let me know. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ who care's if you wore a cast to a wedding? Peg and Dave showed me shots of their wedding, including "that old car" that drove them away - it's the little things like casts and cars and tripping on the gown that are remembered, not all the smiles and congratulations and everything. Gee. Maybe I'll get a cast just for my own wedding! about the shoes - one would wonder why a person just couldn't wear a certain style of shoe? if it was because of foot problems (hamstring problems for high heels, foot got rolled over by a steam roller and all you could wear were swim fins, etc) that would be the bride's responsibility. If it was because you thought them ugly (doesn't sound like that from the article) then it would be yours to grin and bear. people take weddings far too seriously. They should be fun things, like a get together with your friends for pizza or something not something planned to the micrometer and with no room for fun. Incidentally, I *hate* wedding pictures by professionals (too posed). ___________________________________________ These are tough questions to answer because there's such a wide range of approaches to weddings -- from very traditional to deliberately unconventional. As a participant in a wedding, I guess it's your responsibility to understand how the couple feels about these things, and accept it or decline to participate. Therefore, the only thing the wedding couple could do that would be *really* unfair would be to lead you to believe you could do one thing, and then change the rules on you at the last minute (as you say they did with the shoes). If your account is accurate, I agree with you there. They should let you wear what they told (or implied to) you was OK, or pay for something else. Regarding the cast, that's the type of thing that can't be covered by the above rule, since it's so unexpected. The key questions are how different would you have looked (i.e., how much of the regular outfit could you have worn), and would you have affected the procedings in any other way (i.e., slowing things down or having to sit due to crutches). If the only difference was that a cast would be showing, your friend would be plain rude to object. But if you would have been unable to wear, say, half the outfit, or would have interfered with the procedings, your friend would have a right to object. In that case I think your friend should at least split your financial loss since you're both equally to "blame". Again, my personal values, *which I wouldn't impose on your friend*, are much looser. I'd like a slightly formal wedding but can't see myself caring about shoes as long as they're nice and the right color. Regarding the cast, if I chose someone to be in my wedding, I'd let them participate even if they were in a wheelchair. As a matter of fact, I'd consider it a favor on their part to participate while having to wear a cast. I'd enjoy the pictures more thinking of their devotion to me. And to kick them out would be incredibly rude and self-defeating given that I wanted them in the wedding in the first place. These are very interesting questions. I'm interested in others' opinions, and your reactions to mine. _________________________________________ Ask Dear Abby; pettiness is her specialty. __________________________________________ I just got married a month ago. We had a total of five couples standing up for us. The girl's age were between 12 (my daughter) to the mid thirties. The sizes of the dresses were between a size 6 - 16. We finally decided on a dress. The girls were able to have more of the choice of the dress, being it was THEIR dress in the long run. (The girls paid for their own) I, of course, had the final say; Their choice was fine with me and did go with my wedding dress. Our biggest problem was dealing with one of the groomsmen. He is in a wheel chair. The fact of the chair itself was not our problem, but how to place him so he wouldn't have to go up that one step. It worked out OK. The minister had the solution, and all went well. The bridesmaid with him was only worried about her long dress getting caught in the wheel. He had been a close friend of my husband for years. We never thought to exclude him because of his handicap. Getting to the deposit. If the bride and groom asked for you to drop out, they ought to have given you back the deposit. If you dropped out, without giving them any warning, maybe they didn't have it to give back. If you were FORCED to drop out, by your own choice or theirs, they still ought to have paid it back. About the shoes. If the bride was told 5 months in advance about a problem, she ought to have tried to settle it then and there. I kinda said already what I thought about my girls. It was their dress. The shoes, in my wedding, was not important; The dresses were to long and full for most to see anyway. Going as a guest any way - That is strictly on how you feel. If after the hurt feelings, you really want to be there to support them, by all means attend. Love conquers all hurt feelings. It is their day after all. If you being there will enhance, go for it. Just try to realize that the bride is under a lot of pressure and brides get STRANGE. I was told after words that I was a real b..ch. As a whole I am not a bad person. It is now a standing joke with us all, although I feel guilty about it. Keep faith in people. Pressure will do some strange things. Not just the pressure of the wedding, money, time, and having all eyes on the couple; The pressure of "Am I doing the right thing? Will I make my spouse happy? Will he make me happy?" can make good close friends or relatives enemies. At times you take your anger out at the one who doesn't deserve it. __________________________________________________ cast question: I would be offended if dropped from the wedding party because of a cast. Wedding is an important and "once in a lifetime" occasion because of the people who are there to share it with you, not because of what they look like in the pictures. In the years to come, I could look at the picture with my "casted" friend, and remember it, most likely, as funny. However, if I were dropped from the wedding party, I would never, under any circumstances, request a refund of the deposit from my friend. I would , however, reconsider whether she was indeed my friend. shoe question: My feeling is that, for the duration of the wedding, everyone should do everything in their power to accommodate the wishes of the bride and groom. I myself don't ever wear heels, and don't know how to, and I've had bursitis in my shoulder, so I know it hurts. However, I would still go out of my way to wear the shoes the bride wanted me to wear -- after all, how bad could it be for just the duration of the wedding and the picture taking. After that hour or two, I would change to more comfortable shoes. On the other hand, if I were the bride, and one of the bridesmaids informed me that there is absolutely no way she can wear certain shoes, I would say, "Of course, wear something else", but I would expect reasons better than the ones you've listed. Weddings in general provide so much stress on the bride and groom, however, that as a potential member of the wedding party, I would try to be as accommodating and unobtrusive as I possibly could. I would try to ease the pain the shoes were causing me by feeling honored for being picked to participate in this very special event. _____________________________________ You asked for our opinions, so here goes. I think anyone that would drop a person for the reason that a cast would ruin the photographs is a jerk supreme. Would they also drop you if you had a bandaid on your forehead? Would they not select you if you were handicapped in a visible manner (e.g., scoliosis, cleft palate, etc.)? How far away is dropping (or not selecting) someone because they are not "pretty" enough? If this friend was truly concerned and sensitive, s(he) would at least arrange the photographs so that the cast was hidden or at least not prominent (personally, I wouldn't care if it showed). A compromise can always be made. I think there are probably other motives and this is a convenient excuse. As for the shoe question, I think the answer is the same (but then you should probably be exclude because you have an "abnormal" shoe size :-). You should question whether this person is truly a "friend". ______________________________________ The Dear Abby column frequently uses letters about situations whev%a problem arose because because of a bride's (or bride's parents') desire that the wedding should "look" perfect. There seem to be many people who feel very strongly about the appearance of a wedding, and much less about people's feelings. If it is any consolation to you, many other people have been hurt for similar reasons. If your "friend" doesn't act like this most of the time, maybe you won't have to give up the friendship. ___________________________________________________ Sounds like you have a problem... __________________________________________ All these problems having arisen, I would doubt that there is real friendship between the person experiencing them and the one (presumably) getting married, if the latter did not respond for such a long time, and when a response came, it was as you described. If this indeed be the case, why does the invitee bother so much going to that party, and does not instead drop the whole thing? __________________________________________ Both questions are the same -- "Is it reasonable for the bride to drop someone at the last minute because they would ruin the photographs?" I, myself, think it is NOT reasonable but I have found that other people think it is! I would certainly be more than miffed if I had paid for an outfit. Given that the bride is insistent on having the bridesmaids match in all ways, I think the whole argument could be much more amicably settled if she offered to pay the deposit that the bridesmaid had put down on the outfit. Weddings bring out all sorts of weirdnesses in people. I had a recent discussion with a bridesmaid who was not only concerned about the shoes looking the same in the photographs, but she was concerned that the photos would "look funny" because all the bridemaids were not the same height. I like Anita's remark that you should consider a bride harmlessly mentally deranged at wedding time. _______________________________________________ In my opinion, your friend thinks more of the style of the wedding than he thinks of the wedding itself. He wasn't asking you because you are a valued friend, but because you met his sense of style. What would I do? If I had asked someone to be in my wedding, and they broke their leg I would still include them. And I would modify the ceremony as needed so they could participate Much in the same way I would modify the ceremony if I asked a friend who was in a wheelchair. The style of the event is not as important as the friends you choose to share it with. For the shoe's question, same thing applies. I may have asked the whole party to change to a different shoe that was available in sizes for everyone. Now, if I were asked not to participate due to broken leg or wrong shoes: -- well, a lot depends on how important the friendship is to me. The "disinvite" would certainly put a strain on things, but I would respect that it IS his wedding, and he has the right to do things as he wishes.