spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (12/12/84)
Maybe it is a bit conceited of me, but I'm going to post this again.
The last two times I posted it, I got a lot of fairly positive
feedback. I think it still says something important, and there are
probably many readers of this group who haven't seen it the last two
years around. Considering the time of year, and some of the hype that
goes with holiday gift-giving, I figured I'd just post it again.
As a bit of background, I originally wrote it to net.singles in
response to an article about a lady being terribly disappointed on her
birthday. It seems that her boyfriend didn't do much of anything for
her birthday except gift her with a used TV set. It was his first
serious romantic relationship, and she wasn't sure what future was in
it. So, as you sit amidst your holiday gifts, consider:
As to the fellow who gave the old TV... sometimes the things we
prize are incomprehensible to others. My cat brings in mice and
birds that he catches and lays them at my feet, proud of his gifts
and unswerving in his devotion. I thank kitty (named Waldo the
Wonder Duck) and put him and his prize back outside. I would much
prefer he bring in a live redhead for me, but I recognize the
intent despite my interest in other gifts.
Each of us has some kind of mental picture of what an "appropriate"
type of gift might be. Much of that is conditioned by what we
value and what we have been given through our lives. This
particular instance could be one of someone who is not used to
material presents and who was attempting to play the game based on
what he had seen and heard others do ("Hey, a TV is an expensive
gift. Will this do?"). I mean, maybe he isn't into giving alcohol
and dead vegetable matter (champagne and flowers). Chocolate makes
you fat. And so it goes. You do stupid things sometimes when you
don't know the rules of the game.
Experience is what helps you prevent making the same mistake twice
(you make different mistakes, instead). The lady should talk to
the guy and make him aware of her particular feelings and
expectations. If he cares, he can show it in other ways. How does
he act the rest of the time? Does she believe he cares?
Some people find it difficult to touch one another, with hugs or
with words. That doesn't mean the affection isn't there -- it just
means that they express things differently. You have to learn some
of their "language" and teach them some of yours. Communication
isn't easy. Neither is a relationship. Love doesn't mean living
happily ever after, but it sure can help. Instead, love means
you're willing to try -- again and again, even when the odds look
very bad.
I was very involved with one special lady for 4.5 years. In all
that time, I think she said "I love you" in words only 3 times. In
fact, we discussed it once or twice, and she indicated it made her
want to cry if she tried it. Yet, I never had any doubts. I knew
what she was saying when she sent me a card, or gave me a hug, or
smiled at me. I would trade my last ten birthdays to have those
smiles once again.
My dad has never said "I love you" nor has he ever come up with any
kind of birthday gift that stuck in my mind much. But I have what
I am today and the memories of all the things he has done for me.
And does. That's the gift that really matters to me.
If the guy is a crummy gift-giver, educate him. If he's a lousy
kisser, help him practice. If he has lousy taste in clothes, help
him shop. But do it if you care for him and he cares for you, not
if you think you can "transform" him into someone you can love.
Talk it over -- don't let it fester inside. Look at the other
things about him and see if he's worth it on that level. What will
you miss most -- him, or a birthday celebration which never
happened?
...what I would give for those smiles again...
My wishes for peaceful and happy holidays to you all,
--
Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford
The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA
uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spafrick@uwmacc.UUCP (the absurdist) (12/13/84)
[ Gift for line-eater bug -- it deserves one too ]
Since Spaf has brought up the subject, I thought I'd mention the nicest
gift I ever got.
Two years ago, I had signed up for an impractical course load. I'd just
returned to school after having a real job, and wasn't dealing very well
with poverty, loneliness, and all the other things that keep campus counselors
employed.
One night, I'd stayed up 24 hours straight trying to get a program to
work; the class had a really severe lateness penalty (10% a day). Around
10 that morning, I realized that it was NEVER going to be finished, and that
I was going to drop the class instead.
I decided to stay awake long enough to keep a luncheon date I'd made the
previous week, with my friends Cathy and Mary. I don't remember much of the
next two hours -- staring at the wall of my office, probably.
We met, I explained what had happened, and sort of looked blank the
rest of the time. Then I went home, and collapsed. When I woke up that
evening, there was a rose in a vase on my dining room table. Somehow,
despite having classes all afternoon, Mary had made time to go out and buy
a flower, get a card, write a very nice note, and truck over to my place
and set the whole thing up. I almost felt like crying. Finding out that
someone cared that much about what was in some ways a pretty petty problem
was incredible.
That was the nicest gift I ever got: not the rose, but the caring.
--
"I get by with a little help from my friends." -- Lennon & McCartney
Rick Keir -- MicroComputer Information Center, MACC
1210 West Dayton St/U Wisconsin Madison/Mad WI 53706
{allegra, ihnp4, seismo}!uwvax!uwmacc!rick