fritzz@sdcc3.UUCP (Flippin' fritzz) (12/13/84)
From an article on meeting parents:
> SOs come and go; best friends and parents are for life.
What if your best friend is your SO?
I broke up with my SO about 2 months ago when she decided to start going
out with another person. I don't see her quite as much as I used to, but
I still enjoy a special relationship with her. We still are best
friends, sharing secrets and all the other silly things that best
friends do. In the mean time I have developed other relationships that
I never had before, but the point I am trying to make is that my ex-SO
was (and probably always will be) one of the best friends I ever had in
my whole life.
Now for the sad part. In the past two or three months I have witnessed
several breakups. In about 90% of them there is no more contact between
the two people who were once so close. Is it really possible to break
off a relationship like that without remebering all the wonderful things
that happened between two people? Or is it that I'm expecting people to
develop something deeper than a mere physical attraction when they start
"going out"?
Obviously it's possible to continue a relationship after a relationship.
What I'd like to know is why it is so rare, and why people don't try to
do it more often.
--
ihnp4--\ fritzz the Zebra
decvax--\
akgua----\ Take this brother, may it serve you well.
dcdwest---\
kgbvax-----\
ucbvax-------- sdcsvax -- sdcc3 -- fritzzray@utcsrgv.UUCP (Raymond Allen) (12/17/84)
From sdcc3!fritzz: > Is it really possible to break > off a relationship like that without remebering all the wonderful things > that happened between two people? Or is it that I'm expecting people to > develop something deeper than a mere physical attraction when they start > "going out"? > Obviously it's possible to continue a relationship after a relationship. > What I'd like to know is why it is so rare, and why people don't try to > do it more often. It certainly is possible. I broke up an engagement with a woman about 2 years ago. We have remained close friends to this day. The vital difference between this relationship and those I've had with other women was that both of us had a friendship that extended far beyond the romantic and sexual. Even though we had to face the fact that we couldn't get married (at least for the time being) we both agreed that the time we had spent together (and could continue to spend together) was just too valuable to throw away in a fit of emotional pique. In my opinion, this experience (and the googol of more or less successful experiences which I have heard about) underlines what has got to be the most frustrating dilemma that occurs between individuals. The issue of "friends" vs. "more than friends". EVERYONE has had the experience of being attracted to someone (romantically, that is) and being told that "we're just friends" or "I don't feel that way about you". What can be done about this? Hell, I don't know, but I'll toss some personal observations and inferences onto the net traffic just for fun: I seem to observe that there is a significant difference between what people desire, expect from, etc. from their friends and from their SO's (isn't that brilliant? :-) ). It is my conjecture, however, that these criteria are sometimes defective or ill-chosen ESPECIALLY in the case of the SO. It has always been my personal belief that a solid friendship is an absolute necessity as a basis for any romantic relationship. Now I'm sure that my terminal is going to rock with responses claiming, in effect: "Of course I know that! I am always close friends with my SO." OK, but my suggestion is that wheras people always claim that such is the case, they do not actually put such opinions into action as effectively as they might. I can't really speak for anyone on the net, but much personal experience with myself and my friends has suggested that many people have a real double standard for friends and SO's. By far the worst thing people do is to decide that a person is a candidate for romantic affection on the basis of a "tingle" or some other type of transient emotional reaction. This is REALLY DUMB. Would you choose all your friends this way? I doubt it. People tend to take too emotional an approach towards choosing a SO. They refuse to look at a situation rationally and try to understand what are the dynamics between themselves and their SO. I personally feel that if you cannot satisfy yourself that you could become close, lasting friends with this individual then you are courting disaster by trying to turn them into a romantic object. Why? Because during the times when your gonads are in remission, when all the hype and emotional highs are lows, you're going to need all the trust and faith you can muster between the two of you in order to have your relationship survive. Such stuff is also the main ingredient in any solid friendship. I've rambled on enough. If anyone reacts to this I'll be glad to discuss this subject more. Let the jousting begin: Ray Allen utcsrgv!ray
paulb@hcrvx1.UUCP (Paul Bonneau) (12/18/84)
> Now for the sad part. In the past two or three months I have witnessed > several breakups. In about 90% of them there is no more contact between > the two people who were once so close. Is it really possible to break > off a relationship like that without remebering all the wonderful things > that happened between two people? Or is it that I'm expecting people to > develop something deeper than a mere physical attraction when they start > "going out"? > Obviously it's possible to continue a relationship after a relationship. > What I'd like to know is why it is so rare, and why people don't try to > do it more often. I don't really know if the good memories make any difference or not. Like you, my SO and I parted ways recently. Unlike you, contact between the two of us has been very infrequent since then. I can easily remember the good times (I probably do it too much for my own good); there was much more than just physical attraction. However, the feeling between the two of us is that there is NO chance of getting the relationship back, and seeing each other is simply too painful. I imagine that this is quite common in relationships that were originally very close. I have broken up with SO's before and remained a friend, but that is usually after the relationship simply looses steam, and our interests drift apart. When the separation is more tumultuous, the pain is much greater, and it may be simple (mental) self-preservation which keeps the couple apart afterwards. -- I'm a man! I'm not a horse! Paul Bonneau {decvax|ihnp4|watmath}!hcr!hcrvax
paloma@sdcc12.UUCP ({zz1cp) (12/18/84)
> from the keyboard of fritzz the Zebra (sdcc3!fritzz): > What if your best friend is your SO? Well, what if someone whom you used to think was an absolute jerk became your SO? Did you change or did the other person change? What do you tell your friends, or should you drop them all and make a new set of friends? > Now for the sad part. In the past two or three months I have witnessed > several breakups. In about 90% of them there is no more contact between > the two people who were once so close. Is it really possible to break > off a relationship like that without remebering all the wonderful things > that happened between two people? Or is it that I'm expecting people to > develop something deeper than a mere physical attraction when they start > "going out"? > Obviously it's possible to continue a relationship after a relationship. > What I'd like to know is why it is so rare, and why people don't try to > do it more often. Frieder, you are a saint, and I am merely a sinner. You are also an idealist. Look around at what's happening in the world today! A lot of people just get together so they won't be alone, or so that they will have a warm body to show off to everyone else, or for someone to help them on their homework, or so that they can relieve their physical urges, etc. Not everyone CARES about the "relationship" part of a relationship. Sad, but true. And it's these type of people who don't continue friendships once the romance is over. These are the people who go "Oh, I love you, I really care for you, ad nauseum", and then just look right through you as they walk by when it's all over. Real friends will still care even after the passion has turned to cold ashes. The love just isn't as concentrated, but it's still there. You know that. For myself, I would take a known friend over someone who would "look good by my side" if I were considering a relationship of that sort. (Of course, flings are another story entirely, right? But I tend to not form an immediate attraction to anybody while I'm at the buffet line during Happy Hour at Carlos Murphy's.) However, I am not, so this has just been a lot of hot air anyway. I don't feel bad... 98% of net.singles articles are hot air, too! Cindy
cak@CS-Arthur (Christopher A Kent) (12/20/84)
Boy are you lucky to have managed to retain your best friend status with your ex-SO. It usually just doesn't work that way -- it certainly never has for me, much as I've tried. A good friend of mine has tried to explain it as follows: during/after the breakup, your ex has a hard time dealing with you in any capacity because s/he still sees what was there and what s/he still wants to have. This seems to mainly be caused because most breakups are one-sided; not amenable dissolutions as you seem to have had. Lord knows, I've always wanted to remain friendly and supporting, and I still care very deeply for the people that I've had as SOs and broken up with (or been tossed by). But I don't get to express it very often. Lucky you. Cheers, chris
js2j@mhuxt.UUCP (sonntag) (12/21/84)
> > Now for the sad part. In the past two or three months I have witnessed > > several breakups. In about 90% of them there is no more contact between > > the two people who were once so close. Is it really possible to break > > off a relationship like that without remebering all the wonderful things > > that happened between two people? Or is it that I'm expecting people to > > develop something deeper than a mere physical attraction when they start > > "going out"? > Look around at what's happening in the world today! A lot of people just > get together so they won't be alone, or so that they will have a warm body to > show off to everyone else, or for someone to help them on their homework, or > so that they can relieve their physical urges, etc. Not everyone CARES about > the "relationship" part of a relationship. Sad, but true. And it's these > type of people who don't continue friendships once the romance is over. Don't forget the type of people who were so badly hurt when their relationship ended that they felt great pain whenever they saw their ex-SO again for months after the breakup. It's hard to be friends with someone when you still end up crying on your pillow whenever you think of them. I've found that it's only those relationships which were NOT very deep which still allowed us to be friends afterward. Jeff Sonntag ihnp4!mhuxt!js2j