diegob@cca.UUCP (Diego Gonzalez) (01/01/85)
I'd like to become a writer in this net as well as a reader. First, happy holidays to one and all! I hope each one of us is finding a way to share the better parts of our lives with the others near us. Second, I'd like to share a word with someone (or ones) who questioned the sensibilities of divorce. Having gone through the experience about seven years ago, I know the feelings of uncertainty that I had and occasionally still have. Although at the time of my divorce I had many other things in life to be happy for, there was an overall sadness and depression for me. Only several years later, with the assistance of some very good friends and a superb counsellor (psychologist) was I able to really break through these self-doubts. There is no absolute way of knowing whether, at any time in a relationship, we are doing all we can for a "successful" outcome. In retrospect, our reasons for ending any relationship -- dating, living together, or marriage -- tend to lose immediacy and intensity. I believe that my sense of peace in this issue arose from the realization that what I was doing following the end of that marriage was significantly more rewarding than any expectation I might have had from its continuance. While to some this may seem a rather selfish point of view, my basic philosophy is that individual fulfillment makes us more valuable to our loved ones and to society in general. To live in constant disappointment diminishes any relationship. Perhaps the "rule" by which you may better measure your action is to ask: "Under the best circumstances I can imagine, would I have been as happy with 'x' as I am now?" While I readily grant that one might answer this question by rationalizing the "desired" response, I think the conscience won't rest until an honest answer is given. I know that what I've said here is not a solution to your concerns, but I felt it might help you to hear that others of us have had similar questions after severing this most "permanent" tie. Yes, there is some sense of guilt or of a violation of social trust. That was intended by "society" to make us acknowledge the seriousness of both the marriage relationship and its termination. Unfortunately, there is no similar institution to encourage us to look seriously at the social damages wrought by continuation of unhappy marriages. I certainly hope that such a social correction is on the way. And, finally, to some others who ponder the intricacies of introducing SOs to families (particularly parents), some of my thoughts. Having had numerous SOs and two wives (in succession, please), I've made my share of introductions. My mother has usually been as accomodating as she could, given her background and philosophies. I have found it to be a good idea to tell my SO as much as possible about my family and their home. In doing so, I often realize some of the areas of possible conflict and attempt to reduce by discussion beforehand. I think that sleeping together is, today, a widely-recognized aspect of adult intimacy. Even though some parents tend to frown on it under their own roofs (because of the neighbors, their own parents, what?), it has become a fact. But times have changed for young (under 50) people, making it less likely that they will marry immediately or shortly after recognition of love (contrary to Ronnie Reagan movies). I feel that parents shold accept the adult roles of their children once their high school years are over. Parents know about birth control, hygiene, and other factors which make sexual life non-compulsive in our modern times. For those who wish to establish (or more hopefully, continue) bonds of trust with young adult children, it seems far more reasonable for parents to see their children's sexuality honestly. I hope that some eighteen or twenty years hence, as my son grows to young adulthood, I remember these words. I also trust that I will remember how I felt, young and in the bloom of love and without a comfortable place to experience the warmth of another person's body. Then I wished that some "older" person would understand the need to share that passion and time with an SO. This kind of understanding is not going to cause social collapse. It seems the logical extension of the removal of the fears of pregnancy and disease made possible by the technology created by the peers of many parents who close their eyes to its social meaning. Look, it's your life; try to be happy in it. diego@cca