rcd@opus.UUCP (Dick Dunn) (02/12/85)
from Greg Skinner: > I think that the reason that there are bad marriages are becuase the people > didn't get married because they really loved each other and were willing to > commit themselves to each other "for better and for worse", "in sickness and > in health", "till death do they part". I mean, face it, those are the marr- > iage vows if you were married by a priest or minister, and if you really be- > lieve marriage to be the sacred bond that it is you will work to make those > vows work. Greg, it isn't enough to put effort into making it work. You can work very hard at something and still not succeed. There MAY come a point when you just have to admit that you're failing and there's no sense in playing a Sisyphus game any more. When two people find that they're wearing themselves down, losing their vitality and often their health (physical as well as emotional), then attempting to preserve the marriage turns from sacred to blasphemous because it has become the support of a ritual which denies their human potential. The ritual and the bond are meant to serve humans, not vice-versa. > ...(Now, I know I'm probably going to get flamed by everyone who > has been divorced, but I feel I've got to say this.) Too many marriages these > days are failing because the couple didn't marry out of love and a desire to > share their lives together *forever*, but because they were infatuated with > each other, or one or both was lonely and needed someone, or one was dependent > on the other, or the only way one would be able to have sex with the other > would be through marriage, or some other reason(s) that don't add up to the > promises stated in the marriage vows. You've said a lot, yet you've stopped short. You've named some bad reasons for getting married, but if you think you've gotten to the heart of why most marriages fail, you're dead wrong. First, few marriages fail for a single reason. Second, people may easily succeed in convincing not only their prospective spouses and their friends, but even themselves, that they know what they're doing. The early 20's, when many people first marry, is not exactly the most perspicacious, reflective period of one's life! To deny the possibility--even the necessity--of divorce, is to punish a person for a lifetime for the sin of naivete'. > You folks who got divorces ... I'm not trying to flame you or anything, but > think about it! Those vows, they ought to be taken seriously, otherwise > they are just idle statements... Well, I certainly took my marriage vows seriously in my first marriage. We thought about it. A LOT, dammit! [So what happened? Well, it isn't simple, and it doesn't have one of those neat categorizations like "we were infatuated..." Sorry for being too real-life to fit the neat solution.] > Anyhow, I feel a real flame coming on, but I think I'll quit now. But before > I go let me say that no matter how much time you spend living together before > you're married, unless you are really ready to *commit* yourself to the > marriage, and to make it work, you could live together 500 years and your > marriage still wouldn't work. "Program testing can be used to show the presence of bugs, but never to show their absence!" [E.W. Dijkstra] Living together is a form of testing. So you're right, of course--you can live together as long as you wish and marriage still might not work. However, I am glad that we lived together for a while before marriage, and I will continue to test my programs, thank you. > Again, to all of you divorcees, I'm not trying to flame you, but just to try > and get a little perspective on what marriage is all about, and how the vows > take on their true meaning when things aren't going as well as they used to. I understand that you're trying to make a strong statement without explicitly offending, but what you've just said is rather offensive to some of us who've been thru a divorce. You can have the perspective and understand the vows, even FEEL the vows, and work hard, and still not be able to make it work out. That's just the way it goes. I can't really explain it to you unless you've been thru it (in which case there's no need to explain it). I'll repeat one point: The `sacred bond' of marriage is not an end in itself. It is a means to an end, the end being the happy union of two people. Marriage is meant to serve humans, not vice-versa. -- Dick Dunn {hao,ucbvax,allegra}!nbires!rcd (303)444-5710 x3086 ...Cerebus for dictator!