diego@cca.UUCP (Diego Gonzalez) (02/19/85)
Hi folks! I've been reading, but busy, I've not been writing. You have been having yourselves a time. Marriage and divorce, significants and others, who to meet and how. Whew! I think the neat part is that everyone tries all the tricks. You know, when you think: "Why didn't I listen to . . .." Life is probably a trial by fire; if you didn't get burnt last time, well, heck, jump back in. Joking! But only a bit. I'm a pretty reflective person (at about age ten, having seen "Alas, Babylon" on TV, I realized that broadbased education for all the world was the only hope people-kind has). So I should have known -- at the rather advanced age of 27 -- that marriage is something defined by the partners. It doesn't really matter what you say at the ceremony; the ceremony is for our societies: relatives, friends, religious orders, whatever. What matters is the congruity of ideas and goals in this partnership. What matters is being able to watch (and sometimes help) your partner grow and flourish. What really matters, too, is being able to accept that your partner will change in unpredictable ways, ways that may well overtax even the most patient of spirits. (Which means that we will also change.) Friends, marriage is not magic. It is, in my opinion, a functional relationship like all others. Generally, it does what the partners intend it to do. It lasts as long as it is rewarding (read "necessary" if you like). Living together, religious or civil ceremony, length of relationship -- depending on the people, any or all of these might be important. When the chips are counted, it all boils down to "what did you know about your partner and how seriously did you take it?" My first marriage lasted three years. At least we called ourselves married for that long. For at least two of those years, I was very dissatisfied (perhaps even depressed). My ex-wife and I didn't fight or have bad scenes or dislike one another. There was just no intensity. For whatever reasons, we also decided not to have children right away, so that when we realized that things were not good we did not have that complication. Retrospectively, it would seem that the message should have been clear from the outset. Sometimes, though, it simply isn't. My second marriage has lasted three years (well, three in May) and it's wonderful. There's passion and excitement and lot's of sharing and joking. We enjoy doing many things together, but we also spend some private time pursuing individual interests. Our son, now about nine months old, has changed and enlarged our lives this past year and we find ourselves adjusting to his presence and our new roles. It's a relationship that works well now. Chemistry? Maturity? I suspect some of both. One thing that was different was our visiting with a counselor for several months in the year before marriage. That taught both of us about how we communicated and how we "seemed" to each other. Made us aware of the silent signals of distress, fatigue, need, and other unspoken emotions that we frequently take for granted our partner is observing. I've come to form some ideas, some rather silly to others, I imagine. One is that in early life we seem to expect that happiness is something that fills a high percentage of our life. From friends and acquaintances, that expectation is sometimes in the 75-75% zone. Real life, I would say, is very, very happy if 35-50% of events are happy. Think about it. In a good day, say, how many times do you make that little smile of pleasure at something someone does, or says, or that you recall? Once, twice, none? How many times can you do it for someone else? (And not be on drugs, I mean!) My expectations may be lower than average. But if you asked me today if I were happy, I could answer an unqualified "Yes." So I would say that my marriage, what that term means to the Champ and I and to baby T. J., is good because of the way we each feel about ourselves. And I would accept that all of that could be transitory. That no matter what we said on our wedding day, tomorrow we could show up for the game "unwell" and be unable to play. The fact that more closely-knit societies of the recent past pressured married people to exist together when all the adventure was gone did not make society any better. What makes it better is recognizing and honoring each person's individuality and doing what we can to be supportive and friendly in the world. By the way, do all of you realize that virtually everything that people-kind ever imagine they are able to create. But only when they honestly believe in it. **That** really fascinates me! So when someone says that it's childishly idealistic to have world peace, freedom from hunger, and good stuff like that, it's apparent that that person has a different set of priorities. It's kind of up to us to create the happy news every day. Oh, and Debbie, those divorces are not necessarily sad or bad; mostly it depends on how the ones involved are dealing with it. diego @ cca