jamcmullan@wateng.UUCP (Judy McMullan) (06/10/85)
>I have started wondering recently how women my age and older feel who >haven't dated at all, or haven't dated much, or were never married, or were >married once but are no longer. I wonder if they think they'll never be mar- >ried, or whether they've given up on the idea of marriage. I wonder if they >think they'll never meet the man for them, because most men their age are >already married and the others are too young. I wonder if career women have >it easier, because they can dedicate their lives to their careers, but maybe >they are just using their careers as substitutes. Particularly, I wonder if >they feel they won't ever have children. Since I started university, I have never lacked for dates but after the break-up of two >1 year relationships I began to feel that I might never marry. Personally, I think any media bullsh*t about a career substituting for marriage is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. How does a career keep you warm at night? How does a career take you on a picnic on Saturday afternoon? How does a career give you a cup of tea when you're tired? A family life is a totally different part of one's life than a job. But! back to the issue at hand.... I did long for a family life (that doesn't necessarily mean children to me -- just someone to come home to and share life with) and it looked like it wasn't going to happen. All the men my age were married already (or divorced!) and I didn't want to marry someone I didn't want to marry -- ie. he had to be someone I liked very much or I'd rather stay alone. I was 28 years old, at this point. I did start thinking about whether I should have a child by myself. It seemed to me that people to share love with are the important things in life and that a bond with a child is unlike any other. So, yes I did feel I wasn't going to marry and I was distressed because I thought I might miss out on the experience of having a child. I remember thinking that if I couldn't have the warm, steady love of a family I'd certainly want to keep the heady excitement of different love affairs, even though there are heartaches at the end of the affairs. I mean, if I couldn't have a long-term love at least I could plunge in and make the most of what came my way. Friends and lovers became my "family" in my mind. I was still living alone so there was no one handy to play Scrabble with on a boring Thursday night but there were still a LOT of good times. I finally realized that the reason I always said I had a "job" instead of a "career" was because, without realizing it, I was waiting to settle my life. I was waiting to get married. My parents had always told me I would do this or that when I was married. I could work "until you get married", etc. Once I decided this wasn't going to happen, I became a lot more interested in my job. I bought a house. However, before I decided for sure to take any steps toward having a child on my own, I ended up marrying my lover. End of story. We still enjoy our "family" of friends but do turn to each other the most. --from the sssstickkky keyboard of JAM ...!{ihnp4|clyde|decvax}!watmath!wateng!jamcmullan