diego@cca.UUCP (Diego Gonzalez) (06/18/85)
Life and our social interactions are anything but simple. Each society and subculture creates its own variations on the central themes established sometime in our prehistory. Thus, we find a wide variety of courtship rituals, matchmaking schemes, and bondings in vogue around the world. Rather than looking simply at the solutions common to our immediate surroundings, it is edifying to consider in the broader scope what function such differing patterns might have. First, net writers have been debating the significance of looks in the process of selecting SOs. Consider, for a moment, life in a small society where the skills necessary for survival were limited in number and possessed by many of the members of the society. While the ability to support one's family would certainly be important (as would sociability, cooperativeness, etc.), physical appearance may very well be decisive. For one thing it might be a sign of health and vigor, surely strong characteristics (even in our far less physical society). In addition, general social values tend to favor certain physical attributes if only from seeking the features of admired elders (parents, uncles or aunts, tribal chiefs and other leaders). In general, it seems probable that selection of mates for physical characteristics goes back a long way in our species. (It is, by the way, Robert Ardrey's primary contention that humans are more similar in their social behavior to other animals than we generally care to admit. No social, anthropological, or biological evidence in recent years refutes that claim.) Second, there is a considerable spread of opinion on the role that intelligence plays in selection of partners. In modern American society, we are stratified in many more ways than our hypothetical society above. There is the educational bias (college educated vs high school -- even public college vs private), economic bias, regional bias, racial bias, religious bias, etc. One thing that is common, however, is that intelligence applies to specific environments; few of us would succeed in the streets of New York or Chicago or other large urban center. Few trained artisans could be successful in the labs and offices of a high-tech corporation. Yet, within their normal environments, each group demonstrates considerable savvy, appropriate interpersonal skills, and reaps rewards commensurate with expectations. Also within their strata, each is considered suitable as a partner and provides a comfortable level of family life. If you mean by intelligence that you see what is of "true" value in human life while others around you devote their thoughts to the "mundane," perhaps it is you whose horizons need espansion. It is very wonderful to consider the dynamic forces in the universe, the mathematical foundations of modern physics, the marvelous intricacies of the latest electronic microcircuit. Yet the person who is excited about a vacation, his or her dog's latest trick or child's tooth is responding to wonderful events, too. It is not a difference in intelligence, it is one of value. Third, there is a question of ability to relate socially. I suspect that this issue rises in part from the two previosly discussed. A common thread among the writers to the net on this issue is that by looks, intelligence, or innate shyness people have felt themselves separated from the mass of society. Is that really an uncommon feeling? I don't think so. Most people tend to think of themselves as unique in one or more ways. Still, to "get along" they study to understand how others think, what others find interesting or important, and if not to be like everyone else at least to have sympathy with others' points of view. This process can take a fairly long time and be accompanyed by considerable feelings of loneliness and depression. I used to see myself as so unusual and complex that no one could ever understand me. To some extent that view was correct, but what I had overlooked was that there were caring people who were willing to understand what they could and accept the rest. I have many truly wonderful and generous friends today. But I give something in return; my efforts to understand and accept each one of them. Finally, there is the question of what we seek in our SOs. To the greater extent, we seek ourselves. The more we come to understand ourselves, the more we are able to define what is important in the person (people) with whom we most intimately relate. We seek some similarities (you wouldn't want to go out with non-movie-lover if you wer simply "mad" about cinema, would you?), but grow in our admiration for different ways of viewing life. We seek partners with whose physical attributes and "intelligence" we feel comfortable. One cannot expect to find the perfect balance of qualities on the first encounter or even after many encounters. There is always a necessary compromise (or two or three) in our "ideal" lists. We're not (nearly) perfect ourselves, so our SOs are making compromises, too. For those shy persons (who are making great profits for Powdermilk Biscuits), spend a lot of time listening. Gauge the interests and attitudes of those with whom you'd like to develop closer relationships. If you are going to ask someone to go out with you, try MOTAS about whom you have some sense. Usually, someone who has a mutual interest in *you* will give some type of signal of that interest. Sociability is not something anyone is born with, but those who acknowledge the reality of humans' need for one another's company learn the necessary skills. To the more sheltered of us, it often seems a totally alien form of behavior. But even those social butterflies have secret fears: of rejection, of loneliness, of never having a long-term relationship. What I say is, "Don't let idealistic pickiness stand in the way of your happiness." You get one life. There are bound to be disappointments, even tragedies, in that experience. But there is plenty of fun, romance, and love to go around. One thing's for sure, though -- people don't care for people who don't care for themselves. I've known folks over the years who were not graced with "movie star" looks, great cleverness, or high ambitions. Still they respected themselves, were warm and selfless towards their friends, and have always had strong positive relationships with their SOs. It's perspective, and most of our lives can be spent refining it. You balance reality with your dreams. What you get tells you how you're doing.