denise@cca.UUCP (Denise Higgins) (02/22/85)
I have now read approximately 40 articles on the subject of divorce
which is quite enlightening and at the same time depressing. Today I
finally read a response questioning the flip side--"what about good
marriages".
I'm not about to pass judgment about what constitutes a bad
marriage but I do know what makes mine work for me. I have been married
for three years and I can honestly say that we wasted the first two
years and have this year been given the "tools" to make the rest of our
years together the best time we can spend with each other. Our secret
is DAILY communication. We thought we had a really good marriage until
we went on a Marriage Encounter weekend and discovered that we had been
talking to each other not with each other. Of course, communication
doesn't stand alone--it exists when two people are committed to making
it happen. I am not the same person I was when I married, neither is my
husband. Communication erases predisposed expectations and replaces it
with deeper understanding. I stress the idea of daily
communication--each day we grow, each day we change in minor but subtle
ways. And as we change, so do our needs and expectations.
When we decided on the marriage vows three years ago, we decided to
retain the traditional verse. To substitute it with anything else was
to deny ourselves the feeling of longevity in our marriage. Two weeks
ago we restated our vows. It became more apparent what those vows
actually mean (that is after living together as a married couple). I
have oftentimes felt like giving up, so the line "in good times and in
bad" had special meaning two weeks ago. When I first took my vows I had
no expectation of "bad" - everything was enveloped in a fog of
infatuation. Today I realize that we MUST enter marriage with the
expectation of both "good times and bad". To what degree of "bad" one
is willing to except is the level of consciousness for ending the
marriage. To me "til death do us part" is as classic as the wearing of
a white gown...and as you can see, has different meaning to different
people.
'nuff said. I'm going to make a plug for something that helped our
marriage grow. As I mentioned earlier, we made a Marriage Encounter
(designed as an awareness weekend to make a good marriage better). It
is a non-denominational weekend with no group encounters but some rare
(and rewarding) time with your spouse. We didn't go because we had a
good marriage and wanted to make it better. Truth is our marriage was
falling apart - we knew it and wanted to do something about it. We were
exposed to feelings about each other that we had never been aware of
before. It's not our saving grace - it's not a panacea - in a nutsheel it
taught me that I need feedback from my husband not "Mom, Dear Abby".
Anyone who would like more info - I'm here.
I heard this line long ago...
"It takes two to make a marriage and one to break it"
cheers to diego!larryg@teklds.UUCP (Larry Gardner) (02/27/85)
Please tell us more about your Marriage Encounter weekend. I am very interested. Perhaps if you share some of the specific principles and things you did, us singles can learn something now. karen
dbb@opus.UUCP (David B. Bordeau) (07/11/85)
> Phil: > > You are wrong! I'm not sure what Phil is wrong about but at least you are being a little open-minded. Anyway I have a question for the females in this newsgroup. I am currently in the process of getting a divorce (boy was that word hard to type). My wife's reason for wanting this is, and I quote, "I just don't want to be married anymore". I do not like being alone and it seems most women I meet don't want any kind of committment WHAT-SO-EVER! So my question is, `Where do the more serious women usually go to meet men?' I don't need/want addresses just general statements will be fine. Thanks for your time.:-) David Bordeau NBI, Inc. Boulder, Colo. 80301 (303) 444-5710
regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard) (07/12/85)
>So my question is, `Where do the more serious women >usually go to meet men?' >David Bordeau David (hey, I love your wordprocessor!) When I was a more serious single woman, I didn't go much of anywhere to meet men, since I didn't meet serious ones when I went. There just aren't that many serious ones who go places where one meets scads of people and not talk about much. Better to let your friends know you are interested in meeting new people, and let them invite you and the prospect to dinner (you get to eat well this way) or to a show (and see lots of movies). This has the disadvantage of limiting your scope to friends (which means the pool varies with the "quality" of the people you know) but the dis- tinct advantage of allowing you to (a) give a pretty good run down of what you are looking for (b) talk with your friend all evening if the prospect is a dud (c) get to be better friends with your friends (d) and expand your circle of non-romantic acquaintences as well. Other than that, I'd take classes or undertake to learn a new activity. Enthusiasm for a second focus can help getting to know someone without the dangers of unwarranted expectations. River-rafting or camping weekends organized by a group at work (that's a big favorite around here) -- a class from college extension that takes you to the various musical or theatrical productions about town -- a specific era of literature you may be interested in. I used to meet scads of people working in theatre (not necessarily just on stage, but in the office and the shop as well). But that doesn't mean that the people you meet are "serious", and you are stuck wading through all the . . . uh, frivolous (?).
steiny@scc.UUCP (Don Steiny) (07/15/85)
> >So my question is, `Where do the more serious women >usually go to meet men?' >David Bordeau > I think that it is not too hard to meet women. It has everything to do with your attitude. I met my wife working at a bookstore. I was buying "Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television," and we started talking. She had a degree in English Lit, and she was interested in getting into technical writing. I invited her over to talk about it and one thing lead to another. The catch is . . . I KNEW that I was interested in a serious relationship, and that means marrige, kids the whole bit. We are stalling on the kids (money, you know), but I have to respect her desire to have kids. If a woman has no children and she is in her late 20's, she realizes that she has to have kids soon or their might be more complications and eventually no possiblity. That might not bother some women, but others find that it is an important decision. Once I accepted the idea that some women I would meet wanted to get married and have children, and the consequences that would have in my life if I were to be the lucky guy, suddenly, it got real easy to meet women.