hal@isrnix.UUCP (hal) (11/20/85)
I have been out the of singles' life for 10 years now, and in trying to rejoin the single-scene, I am feeling quite lost. I had been involved with the same girl for almost 10 years, we never married for the simple sake that we never felt the need. We had lived together since the 2nd year. We had a great life together, each built around the other. I lost her to an automobile accident this pas summer, and since then have been working up the courage to get out in the single life again. Since I have been trying to be active, i have found more obstacles than i can ever remember being in the way before. people play 3 times as many games as they did the last time around, and the word trust seems to be just that, a word. Everyone seems to feel that you are out for something ulterior, or they want something from you. I can only be myself, but I have seen people portray 3 or 4 different people in the same night. Has anyone else experienced things like this ? Is it just me ? I am only 32 and am fairly decent in the looks and personality department, so what does it take to get a chance taken on a person ? All help/advice will be greatly appreciated !! Hal Fuquay UUCP: ihnp4!inuxc!isrnix!uextrjs!hal
security@think.ARPA (Security Guard) (11/24/85)
> >All help/advice will be greatly appreciated !! > Wing-it !!! No use thinking too much in this Dept. A little levity to ease the tension might be found in a few drinks....Good luck!;-)
diego@cca.UUCP (Diego Gonzalez) (12/04/85)
In the film "Little Murders," the breather calls the family's apartment after his target has been shot. "There's no need to call anymore," he is informed, "________ is dead." The breather hangs up. Moments later the phone rings again. Speaking for the first time, the breather says, "I'm sorry." My first reaction (and, I'm sure, the reaction of most net.social readers) was empathy. From your writing, I imagine that you were in the midst of a deep and serious relationship. The unexpected tragic termination of your relationship left you not only lonely, but with no way of rationally ending that relationship. I mean that there was no falling out or determination to live in another manner or any of the more typical sets of conditions that end our social affairs. One thing that a long relationship has is an inherent sense of trust and understanding. There is sufficient mutual history that "game playing" of the dating life disappears. While we older "socials" tend to have fewer surprises in one another, the assurance we feel within our tested relationships support greater emotional and financial endeavors. Still, we all arrived at a state of maturity through experiment and exploration. Since you have been out of the dating experience for a considerable period of time, I can understand that you might feel "culture shock" at the degree to which your "dates" probe or "game play." But you must remember that in your own way, you did the same, and only by doing so did you come to a comfortable balance of freedom, sharing, and trust with your SO. In building even simple relationships (at work, for example) we need to test and feel our ways so that the kind and degree of trust necessary to function is clear to each party. Sure, you know that this other person can trust you, but the other person doesn't know that. Nor can you assume that because the other person said a given thing that it means the same as in a previous relationship. What I'm trying to say is that you are beyond the security of an established relationship with all its bounds and understandings worked out. It seems reasonable for people who are meeting and learning about each other to scope out the personalities of potential partners. I agree that excessive "game" behavior is obnoxious and undesirable. On the other hand, less experienced people (for example, those who have yet to develop an enduring relationship) probably tend to probe in less sensitive ways. I appreciate your feeling of frustration as you watch this process unfold before you. Still, you may be judging by standards that don't really apply; that is, those used in mature relationships. I'm sure that sooner or later, you will enter a new relationship with a woman that will grow in ways comparable to your earlier experience. It will not displace that other experience but will add to your life in its own way. I hope that the transitional period in which you now live passes into times of renewed happiness. Don't give up believing in the importance of human contact. It happens best when it's allowed to happen naturally.