booter@lll-crg.ARpA (Elaine Richards) (07/16/86)
*********WARNING!! CONTAINS HUMOR AND IS LONG**************************** **********Assume smiley mode******* :-) (-: ***************************** Well, my suspicions about Mehitabel have been confirmed. Not only have Andy and I correctly surmised that "Mehitabel" is not really the cat's true name but that her bad behavior is necessitated by forces beyond our control. I was cleaning out the carrier box she normally sleeps in and discovered some chilling artifacts. I was not really surprised to find the catnip joints. I was a little perturbed that she had the dexterity to tear off sections of the San Francisco Chronicle and use them as rolling papers. She could have asked for real papers. The thought of her inhaling all that zinc had me upset. She explained she didn't think I knew what rolling papers were because I am (get this folks!) so "unhip". The feline sex toys were hardly a surprise. She had been hoarding my back issues of "Cat Fancy". The issues all had champion pedigree stud cats as centerfolds. She threatened to pee on Andy's Macintosh if I confiscated that "truly righteous Abbyssinian". At least the girl has good taste. It was the documents that really destroyed me. Do you know that cat's are required to have People Licenses? Seriously! I always wondered why I was finding her in my box of personal papers. She was looking for documents from the People Vet certifying that I had all my shots. This angered me and I shot back, "So I suppose you want to know if I am spayed, too." "No", she purred (flexing a claw), " They only require that when you have a pedigree and Bast knows you are NOT pedigreed." The Union Contract explained it all. She was greatly abashed when I discovered it. She begged and pleaded with me not to reveal it, but I feel that I am performing a desparately valuable service to humanity. Here are excerpts from this incredible piece of feline literature... INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF FELINES LADIES' AUXILIARY SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA LOCAL 1789.2 (*Note, this is the Haight Ashbury Branch *) I Mu!!rrr? (*Note: Mehitabel's real name) solemnly swear before Bast that I will uphold the lofty principles of the IBF with the greatest fervor that can be accomplished within my powers. (*Note IBF = International Brotherhood of Felines *) I will endeavor to practice the following skills daily with my human(s): 1. PRECISION HAIRTHROWING. (Longhairs incl. Persians and Himalayans read supplement 1.2a). 1.1 Hair must be shed at the rate of 3,000 hairs per 24 hour period. The preferred locations are: beds, dark suits, silk dresses, baby human's faces and hands, and dark carpets. 1.2 Hair must be accurately aimed from the body, taking into account lightness of the hair being thrown and wind factors. Beverages and sticky human-food are prime targets. When being "petted" by the human, endeavor to throw maximal amounts toward the face. [This goes on for pages revealing the Union's formidable under- standing of aeordynamics and trajectory physics]. 3. CAR HABITS 3.1 Walk only on very shiny cars that the human's spend the most time on. They douse these things with water because they are too massive to lick with their small tongues. Walk across the cars after the humans have watered them and have gone inside. 3.2 Never pee in a car. They are great to sleep in. 3.3 When in a car with the human, scream constantly. [Note that Section 2 went into detail about the psycoacoustics necessary to drive humans crazy. It gets very technical.] 3.4 When outside, take every opportunity to sleep under a car with and oil leak. Afterwards, go inside and rub it on everything until the owner gets the message and cleans it off you. [Section 4 is on staring] [Section 5 is on pretending to fight with other cats to freak humans out] 7. BODY CROSSINGS AND SLEEPING 7.1 Walk across the parts of the human that are most sensitive. You can tell by the amount of wiggling they do. Preferred targets on the toms are the groin and armpit. Preferred targets on the queens are the teats and the face (which they assiduously paint with colorful goop). (*Note: a "queen" is the female, a "tom" is a male) 7.2 Sleep on the human with a single claw inserted into the epidermis. 7.3 Sleep very close to baby human's faces. This makes the female humans scream and chase you. Lots of fun! 7.4 When humans indulge in mating behavior, get in close for a better vantage point. Lie between them, or better yet, sit up on the shoulders of the one highest up. If they toss you out, stare intently. [Section 6 describes human mating habits and styles of interruption] 8. DECORATION 8.1 Sofa decoration. THese need to be fluffed up with the claws a little for the fuzzy look. When you need to stretch, dig the claws into the sofa and pull HARD. If the sofa does not give,lie on your side and dig at it with the hindclaws. 8.2 Urination. This is risky. Some humans take great umbrage at your attempts to make the place smell more *you*. This could land you in the Pound. Worth a try about once or twice a heat. 8.3 Bed making. Most humans don't mind if you make the bed to your specifications. Just push the blankets into a bunch at one end of the bed and curl up in it. Look exceptionally cute when you lie there. [etc] Other details in this scandalous document involves sitting whatever you are reading and helping you type by playing with the keys. Mehitabel is in a little trouble with the Union because she isn't the escape artist she used to be. She got tired of pretending to fight other cats when one (a scab, not a Union member) tried to *really* beat her up. I offered to help her get into the Oakland chapter, but she insists we move to a better neighborhood so it would look better on her resume. Can't please everyone. e-mail to lll-crg!csuh!booter. I don't read net.jokes, so respond by mail. Flames will be sent back with notations re: style, content, spelling and grammar. E ***** -"A mere corraborative detail to add artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative."- -PooBah