wes@ukecc.UUCP (Wes Morgan) (09/03/86)
<Eat flaming death, you Satanic line-eater>
Well, the prophecy has finally come to pass. BROTHER JED SMOCK has returned
to the University of Kentucky, carrying his message of hellfire and damnation.
Of course, Sister Cindy, the "disco queen" turned evangelist wife, and Chastity,
their 4-year-old disciple/child, were in tow.
For those of you who have been deprived of the pleasure of "The Brother Jed
Experience", a brief explanation follows:
George E. ("Jed") Smock is a traveling evangelist specializing in college
and university appearances. His style is combative and arrogant; for example,
he insists that he is "morally perfect" and that all sorority members are sex-
ually promiscuous. Needless to say, he draws huge crowds; his unannounced
appearance at the University of Kentucky Student Center today was attended by
approximately 100 people. He utilizes "Free Speech Areas", so that he need
not observe regulations concerning content of his speeches. He insults, in-
sinuates, and incites many people at once. He draws on his 60's experience
as a college student to derive stereotypes which he applies to today's students.
Having been warned, we shall now describe today's "discussion" with Brother Jed.
Our group arrived late, having just completed a class. Brother Jed was in
fine form, launching into his analysis of our sex lives. Typical passages of
his lecture were as follows: "We would go down to the RED-LIGHT DISTRICT, which
you know today as SORORITY ROW." In the universe of Brother Jed, fornication
is rampant in the dormitories, and fraternity/sorority houses are virtual
Gomorrohs. In addition, any Brother Jed utterance of the word "fornication"
is accompanied by a peculiar hand motion on each syllable. Of course, the entire crowd joins in on "fornication". Another Brother Jed topic is "ROCK-
AND-ROLL MUSIC" (said in a hate-filled, 'righteous disgust' type of voice).
The wrath of God will be visited upon anyone who listens to any of the fol-
lowing: The Who, Led Zeppelin, the Grateful Dead, the Rolling Stones, Rush,
Van Halen, and especially "that pervert", MICK JAGGER.
He then described, with total shame, his life as a Greek at Indiana Uni-
versity. (Jed was a Delta Upsilon.) His fraternity house had a "darkroom" in
the basement, but "No film ever saw THAT room!". His brothers would cause
sorority girls to become intoxicated, and then escort them to the "darkroom"
in order to 'FORNICATE' (audience participation here) with them. Strangely
enough, Jed has all this knowledge of procedure, but claims never to have
participated. Hmmmmmm.
Brother Jed, of course, insulted numerous people, mostly female. He uses
such quotes as "We always went after women who smoked, because if a woman will
put a cigarette in her mouth, God knows what ELSE she'll put in there!". The
Chi Omega sorority was singled out by name as the most promiscuous group on
any campus. According to Jed, "everyone knows that the Chi O's are 'LOOSE'."
In the past, Jed has issued the following:
"Hey! You in the red sweater! How many men have you slept with this week?"
"You, sir, are a pervert!"
"Anyone dressing like this woman (indicate girl) is obviously looking for
FORNICATION!" (hand motion, audience participation)
Needless to say, Jed has become an institution at many college campuses.
He expresses preference for UKentucky and UFlorida. Obviously, then, we are
the hotbeds of drug abuse, FORNICATION, ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC, and general sin.
(Gee, and it only costs $660 per semester! They sure didn't mention *that* in
the catalogue!)
Watch for Brother Jed Smock at *your* university. For a good laugh and
a good way to kill a few hours, he can't be beaten.
In closing, a few quotes from "Mission to South Africa" by Jed Smock.
"....The answer is that despite what remains of apartheid, South Africa pro-
vides more freedom and opportunity for all races than anywhere else on
the African continent."
"....In Port Elizabeth, Tupperware dealer, Mr. Graham Mack, observed as he
drove us around the city, 'Bro. Jed, notice Blacks can go anywhere in
the business district without fear of intimidation by anyone. But a
White will not go into a Black township anymore out of fear of being
killed. Whose freedom is bring restricted?' . "
"....Radicals in South Africa and Western liberals will not be satisfied,
will not stop crying 'apartheid', until the present government is
overthrown, and a Black Marxist government replaces it."
"....The free enterprise system has made Blacks and Whites economically
interdependent, and therefore has helped to destroy apartheid."
Hmmmmmm.......anyway, he's *really* good humor.
alang@masscomp.UUCP (Alan Groupe) (09/15/86)
My what a small world! I remember Brother Jed on the U of Ill. campus about 10 years ago. At that time, he was travelling with Brother Max Lynch, a math professor from IU who had "discovered that math was wrong and G-D was right." The best line I remember from Jed was that Jesus would return to earth riding a white horse, and that he [Jed] would be right behind him. Think about what the guy following the horse does for a living. I had some fun with Jed one day that you might want to try. I stuck my fingers in several random places in my calculus text (like he has in his bible) and when he quieted down, I jumped up before Max could take over and started to read from the text. After the applause died down, someone else got up and started reciting the Jabberwocky. Jed and Max left. Alan Groupe
dave@uwvax.UUCP (09/15/86)
What? You mean Brother Jed and family have left Madison? Damn!
Oops, sorry, I mean darn!
It must have gotten too cold and conservative here for them. Well,
after our long, cold winter, I'm sure Madison will need Brother Jed
and Sister Cindy again in spring. It's *amazing* what people to do
keep warm :-)
And he'll miss our Holloween Party! Talk about drunkenness and
perversion!
--
Dave Cohrs
(608) 262-1204
..!{harvard,ihnp4,seismo,topaz}!uwvax!dave
dave@rsch.wisc.edubarth@tellab5.UUCP (Barth Richards) (09/16/86)
In article <600@ukecc.UUCP> wes@ukecc.UUCP (Wes Morgan) writes: >Well, the prophecy has finally come to pass. BROTHER JED SMOCK has returned >to the University of Kentucky, carrying his message of hellfire and damnation. >Of course, Sister Cindy, the "disco queen" turned evangelist wife, and >Chastity, their 4-year-old disciple/child, were in tow. ... >Having been warned, we shall now describe today's "discussion" with Brother >Jed. > > > Our group arrived late, having just completed a class. Brother Jed was in >fine form, launching into his analysis of our sex lives. Typical passages of >his lecture were as follows: [many lines of humorous but none-the-less probably true quotations from BJ] >In the past, Jed has issued the following: > > "Hey! You in the red sweater! How many men have you slept with this week?" > > "You, sir, are a pervert!" > > "Anyone dressing like this woman (indicate girl) is obviously looking for > FORNICATION!" (hand motion, audience participation) > > > > Needless to say, Jed has become an institution at many college campuses. >He expresses preference for UKentucky and UFlorida. Obviously, then, we are >the hotbeds of drug abuse, FORNICATION, ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC, and general sin. >(Gee, and it only costs $660 per semester! They sure didn't mention *that* in >the catalogue!) > > Watch for Brother Jed Smock at *your* university. For a good laugh and >a good way to kill a few hours, he can't be beaten. This all sounds strangely familiar. In Wisconsin, there is a woman who goes by the name "Sister Pat." She tours the Wisconsin college circuit, and for the two years that I was at Lawrence University (Appleton), would hit our campus in mid-late May. Among her pronouncements: - She is perfect. - She has conversations with god. (TWO-WAY, as in "Hi, how's it going, big guy?" "Oh, all right. What's shaking with you?") - Any woman with short hair is a lesbian. (Man's hair style.) - Any woman wearing pants is a lesbian. (Man's clothes.) - Any woman wearing shorts (and remember, this is in late May) is a whore. (Engaging in public nudity.) - Any man wearing a t-shirt is an idol worshipper. (This one's really good. According to SP, if you are wearing a t-shirt, you are OBVIOUSLY a body-builder, and body-builders are into self-worship.) - Any man with long hair is gay. (Woman's hair style.) This one has a great story attatched to it. When she informed her audience of this fact, someone spoke up and said, "Excuse me, Christ had long hair." To which she replied, "NO! That's a lie! Some FRUIT painted his picture that way and the rest is history! He did have a beard, that's true, but he kept it NEATLY TRIMMED. Why he looked a lot like THAT YOUNG MAN OVER THERE." (pointing at yours truely) To which I responded. "I'll be changing water into wine and signing autographs after the show." ;-) If you go to college in Wisconsin, I definitely recommend her act! It is not to be missed. Barth Richards Tellabs, Inc. Lisle, IL
woods@hao.UUCP (Greg Woods) (09/16/86)
Brother Jed loves to come to the University of Colorado, too. He's been coming to Boulder (a hotbed of lust and heathen sinners :-) since *I* was in college (my God, was that *really* 10 years ago?), so he's been around a *long* time. I'm surprised someone hasn't bumped him off by now. :-) I agree, he's highly amusing as long as no one in the crowd actually takes him seriously. --Greg
ahh@h.cc.purdue.edu (Brentrock of Hyperborea) (09/17/86)
[How many lines can a line eater eat?]
Much as it pains me to say it, Brother Max Lynch didn't come
from Indiana University (IU). While we here at Purdue would
like to think so, the truth is that he came from Indiana
State University. He did teach Math, though.
There are many sunny days that he sets up to preach at us (yes,
"at," not "to") here. One of my personal favorites is his story
about how [his deity] is going to construct a gigantic cosmic
ray gun to use to destroy all the sinners on Earth. The
instrument of this destruction? Why, Space Aliens, of course.
He considers Purdue (and schools like it) a special challenge,
because "Technical schools are inherently ungodly." Yep. He
said that. We have him on tape.
--
Brent Woods
USENET: {seismo, decvax, ucbvax, ihnp4}!pur-ee!h.cc!ahh
ARPANET: woodsb@el.ecn.purdue.edu BITNET: PODUM@PURCCVM
USNAIL: Brent Woods PHONE: (317) 495-2011
Box 1004 Cary
West Lafayette, IN 47906
Disclaimer: If you misunderstood what I said, it's *not* my fault.
May the Gods turn their benevolent gaze upon you...
...and laugh.