tom (05/08/83)
Dear folks,
Here is a list of safety tips and advice for your paper. I have tried these
techniques in testing areas and found them successful. With proper application
there is no reason for anybody to get hurt in a nuclear war. If these
techniques fail, however, I refuse to be held responsible as people do not
always follow explicit instructions while they are severly injured.
My best wishes for you and your friends and my the coming apocalypse find
you in good cheer and happiness.
Your friend and fall guy,
Dirty Dog the Clown
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb, use
the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods
that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed
salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs will be scarce
in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be staggering
illegally.
9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more sanitary due
to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.
How to tell when you are dead:
1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants.
2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
5. Exotic birds flock around you.
6. People ignore you at parties.
7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
8. Playboy magazine wants to interview you.
9. You no longer get off on cocaine.
10. You finally get time off from work.
Published in the Yippie! newspaper
P.O. Box 392
Canal St. Station
New York, NY 10013