amra@ihuxj.UUCP (Steven L. Aldrich) (02/17/84)
a The following column is by Mike Royko. It was written about 2-3 years ago and is one of his best. I believe we should adopt his ideas on litterers with all due haste. Maybe we would be able to truly "clean-up America" if we did. Trash the Litterers! by Mike Royko A couple of friends who regularly bike or walk through Lincoln Park along the lakefront were complaining to me about the mountains of litter the see in the parks. "It's everywhere", one said. "I see the same hunks of paper stuck in bushes that have been there since spring, the same old chicken bones in the grass week after week." The other said: "Why don't you write something getting on the park systems back, so they'll send in more workers to clean it up." Absolutely not, I said. That's the wrong approach. "It's wrong to clean it up?" That's right. History shows that it is a waste of money to clean up the parks because as quickly as the are clean, people come in and dump another several tons of litter, and you have to clean the parks again. It's also unfair to spend tax money, contributed by those of us who don't litter, to clean up after the slobs who do. "But you can't just let the garbage pile up," my friends said. That's also true. So the idea is to have clean parks without paying an army of payrollers to keep them clean. This is done by teaching people not to litter, by persuading them not to drop their hot dog wrappers, beer cans, chicken bones, half-eaten sandwiches, and disposable diapers in the grass or lagoons but in a wastebasket instead. Obviously, you don't persuade them to do this by broadcasting wimpy TV public service messages or printing stern editorials. People who toss beer cans, chicken bones and disposable diapers in the grass are too dim-witted to listen to reason. You persuade them through the controled application of intimi- -dation, fear, even terror. First, you form a special unit of some 100 or 200 cops who are a) big and strong and b) mean and nasty-tempered and c) filled with little love for their fellow man and d) who enjoy arresting people. They would be sent into the park in groups of five or ten, wearing street clothes, disguised as picnickers, joggers, or softball players. They would hang around, looking for someone who tosses "anything" -even a Kleenex-on the ground. Then they'd pounce-arresting people by the dozens, the hundreds. Drop a paper cup-you're under arrest. Toss a hot dog wrapper on the ground-into the paddy wagon. Leave your chicken bones behind- into the slammer with you. No mercy, no second chances, no passes. Reporters would be invited to witness the arrests, so that TV news would show people kicking and screaming and weeping as they are dragged to paddy wagons. The TV cameras could carry interviews with ashen-faced people who would say: "Good God, all I did was throw a beer can in the lagoon, and here I am in a jail cell, torn from the arms of my loving family. Oh, what will become of me?" These TV segments would be of great public service because they would teach a valuable lesson to any potential litterer who happened to be watching. A special Littering Court would be established, and the judges would be urged to hand out the maximum fine of $500. (And the fines would run higher for those who resisted arrest.) Those who couldn't pay would be given a choice-serve their time in the County Jail or serve the time in parks picking up litter. They would be required to wear jailhouse uniforms with the words "Convicted Litterer" on the back, and they would be supervised by mean, shotgun-weilding guards, wearing trooper hats and reflecting sun-glasses. When stories about these fines and sentences came out, litterers would be filled with even more terror. And after one or two weekends of well publicized mass arrests, you can be sure that the amount of litter in the parks would be greatly reduced. When I explained my plan to my friends, one of them said: "But if they made mass arrests, that might touch off rioting." Fine let them riot. Then the police could put on their riot gear and bash their heads with clubs and spray Mace in their faces. Anybody who would riot to defend the privilege of throwing hot dog wrappers on the park grass deserves to have his head split. It would produce wonderful headlines: "Litterers riot in Lincoln Park; claim right to spread garbage." Once again, the TV coverage of a riot would discourage further littering. If someone looked at his TV and saw rioting litterers being wheeled into hospital emergency rooms, their heads bleeding, their limbs broken, he might say to himself: "I don't think I will leave my chicken bones on the grass next Sunday." If these measures didn't reduce littering completely, then it would be up to the City Council and the mayor to pass even stricter laws. One possibility would be to restore the old practice of putting people in stocks. These were wooden devices with holes through which wrong-doers put their heads and hands. They were locked in and put on public display. The stocks could be placed in the parks where strollers, joggers, and cyclists could see the convicted litterers and laugh at them, tweak their noses, twist their ears, and throw over-ripe tomatoes at their heads. After spending a hot Sunday in the stocks, a fellow would give sober consideration to next time walking a few feet to a wastebasket with his empty potato-chip bag. Even with more severe punishments, there would be a few chronic, habitual, litterers. So there would be a special law for them. If a person was arrested and convicted of littering 10 times, let's say, it would be obvious that there is no hope of ever reforming him. So he would be hanged. And his worthless remains would be left to dangle from a tree in the park, twisting slowly in the wind, with a sign attached to his shirt front that said: THIS PERSON WOULDN'T STOP LITTERING; LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU!! The sight of an unreformed litterer hanging from a tree in Lincoln Park would get the message across to others that they should not toss their disposable diapers in a lagoon. I think this program would do away with most litter in the parks. And if it didn't, there would be only one thing we could do. We'd really have to get tough." Mike Royko Chicago Sun-Times I believe this plan should be adopted on the State/National level with all due haste. I'm firm in my position on this issue. I have an additional punishment to add to Royko's though. We should also consider staking out repeate offenders near an ant-hill on hot sunny days then covering them with garbage,(ie. rotten fruits/vegatables, coffee grounds, old diapers, etc.) and let them spend the afternoon with their bodies (except the head) in this position. Bet they'd never litter again!! (provided they lived, of course. Ants can be really viscious when provoked.) Serves the littering scum right, they'd be getting their just deserts!! As usual, send views/comments/etc. to: IHNP4!IHUXJ!AMRA or POST TO THE NET. PEACE & BEST WISHES From the ever curious mind of: Steve Aldrich (ihnp4!ihuxj!amra) P.S. I've armed the HALON SYSTEM & refilled the water cannon just to be on the safe side. Flame Away!!!