ktw@whuxi.UUCP (WOLMAN) (12/07/84)
My Fellow Americans:
Beginning tomorrow morning, and continuing thoroughout the
day, you will have a privilege far too few people in this
world enjoy: the privilege of casting your vote in a general
election to determine who shall govern this great nation for
the final four years of its existence.
I have been taken to task by my opponent and his supporters
for referring to the Soviet Union as an Evil Empire. But
what greater proof of the inherent evil and godlessness of
the Soviet system can there be than the fact that there have
been no free elections in that great land since the murder
in 1918 of the last Romanov Czar, Nicholas II and his entire
family, including that poor hemophiliac, Czarevitch Alexei.
It is my sincere wish that everyone listening tonight will
go to his or her polling place tomorrow and cast a vote in
this most critical election. And because my campaign
organization has spent significant amounts of money to
purchase this television time, it is also my wish that you
go to the polls and vote for me, rather than for my
opponent, Vice President Mondale.
I believe it is of critical importance that the election go
to me tomorrow. Why, you may ask? Why is this election
more important than others in our great past? You have a
right to an answer.
A moment ago, I spoke of America entering its final four
years. Some of you may have thought that was a slip of the
tongue. Others among you may have figured the old geezer
was developing Alzheimer's Disease during Prime Time. I can
assure you it was neither a slip of the tongue nor an
indication of premature senility. Thank the Lord above I
still have my act together, as the Yuppies say. Let me
explain.
You have heard me accused of believing in Armageddon, in the
final battle between Good and Evil that will precede the
Second Coming of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Well, I am happy
to own that I am indeed not only a committed Christian but
also a firm believer in Armageddon, that Second Coming, and
a glorious celestial future for all True Believers.
It is my firm belief that Russia, the Evil Empire of which I
spoke, is the AntiChrist whose horrid machinations in the
Middle East and Central America will summon the End of Days.
It is also my fervent belief that America is and must be the
instrument to bring about the final conflict. This will
explain why I have been so insistent on developing a
stockpile of nuclear and thermonuclear weaponry second to
none, because we are God's chosen instrument and must be
able to destroy the Soviet Empire as they will surely
attempt to destroy us.
In the wake of that destruction, those of us who believe
will ascend to the bliss of Heavenly Redemption and be
privileged to witness the End of Days as foretold in the
Book of Revelations.
My question to those of you who may still be undecided about
your vote tomorrow is simple: Can Walter Mondale bring
about the End of Days and the return of our Lord, Jesus
Christ, to walk among us and smite Evil, whether of Soviet
or Sandinista? Can Walter Mondale, by upsetting the natural
order of the universe by taking as his running mate a
fragile woman, hope to defeat the forces of evil by allying
himself with the power and goodness of our Lord above?
I think not.
Therefore, it is in the spirit of humility that I come
before you tonight to ask one last time for your vote in
tomorrow's election. I beg you to vote as though your
afterlife depended on it.
For it's God's truth that it does.
Thank you. And God bless you all.gnome@olivee.UUCP (12/11/84)
Not funny
nessus@nsc.UUCP (Kchula-Rrit) (12/11/84)
> > Not funny *** REPLACE THIS LINE WITH YOUR MESSAGE *** Hits too close to the truth.