allison@convexs.UUCP (10/31/85)
This article is reproduced without permission from National Review (Nov. 1,
1985), but I'm sure William F. Buckley (editor) and William A. Rusher (pub-
lisher) don't mind. Enjoy!!
America's Missing-Socks Crisis
by Robert F. Dame
January 6. The Presidential Commission on Missing Socks issued its report
today on a problem that affects an estimated 79 million Americans each year.
After an intense seven-year effort, the commission concluded that "most missing
socks will never be found." Where are they? The commission, despite its
$23-million budget, could not guess, but did say "there is a good chance all
the missing socks are in the same place."
The commission has been plagued by scandal from its outset. One of the
commission members resigned after the New York Times reported that his name was
in the "known-deviate" file of the New York City Police Department (listed as
"foot fetishist"). But the most severe criticism has come from Congress.
"A total outrage," fumed Representative Jack Kemp (R., N.Y.). "Besides, all
missing socks are inside the dryer, where they are forced into the little
holes." Not to be outdone, Senator William Proxmire (D., Wis.) gave the
commission his Golden Feet award. "We all know the socks are not missing at
all - they're behind the dresser, if America would just look."
January 7. Washington Post editorial. "The commission admittedly could not
fulfill its mandate completely. But the critics miss the point. Does the
Energy Department give us any energy? The Commerce Department indulge in
actual commerce? The Education Department educate anyone? This type of
thinking is dangerous.
"John Q. Public, from Peoria, Illinois, summed it up best. 'We can put a
man on the moon, but can't find our missing socks. It's a national disgrace.'"
January 15. Representative Ed Markey (D., Mass.) today introduced a bill that
would create a Federal Department of Missing Socks. "I know it is fashionable
today to downgrade the role of government in our lives," the symbolically
barefoot Markey said in a speech on the House floor. "But we have suffered too
much and waited too long for the Big Sock Cartel to regulate itself."
January 31. A House committee heard testimony today in support of Representa-
tive Markey's bill. The congressmen attending the hearing received a not-so-
subtle message from lobbyists for the bill - a dirty sock, left on their desks,
with a note saying "You found me. But where are my 49 million brethren?"
The first witness was the well-know astronomer Carl Sagan. "The ancient
Egyptians believed that where your missing sock was, so your spirit wold go
upon your death," he said. "And today, it is reported that an astronaut lost
one of his socks in space. In this vast universe, there are billions and
billions of missing socks . . . other civilizations perhaps have the answer."
The next witness, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, pointed out to the committee
that while only 72 percent of socks manufactured each year are nonwhite, 91
percent of the socks listed as missing in action are nonwhite. Jackson
announced that his next diplomatic rescue mission will take him to Laundromats
nationwide, to "free the hostages of our own neglect and indifference . . ."
Jackson left the committee with the slogan, "The Pentagon puts us in hock while
we can't find our socks."
A Sierra Club representative, Mr. Greenjeans, next spoke of the environ-
mental impact of missing socks. "They are like a ticking time bomb in the
fragile ecology of the food chain. Over the past 15 years, 875 million socks
have disappeared. They could show up anywhere, any time. The answer is strict
conservation of old socks. I've worn the same pair for seven weeks now." The
hearings are expected to conclude tomorrow, when the committee will take up a
bill to fund research into why tornados always hit trailer parks.
February 1. Economist John Kenneth Galbraith stunned a House committee by
predicting imminent sock shortages "within the next year." He cited what he
called the "double-loss" factor, meaning that when you lose one sock, the other
becomes useless also. Unless "sock piles" are built up, Galbraith warned, sock
shortages are a distinct possibility.
February 11. The nation's sock shortage has grown worse in the last three
days, according to a New York Times/CBS News poll. Thirty-two percent of
Americans surveyed said they had "some difficulty" in buying a pair of socks.
And 28 percent said that they had bought at least five pairs recently as a
result of the rumored shortage. Rumors abound of tankers off the coast loaded
with socks, waiting until the price rises.
February 20. Senator Lowell Weicker (R., Conn.) today pledged to support the
Humphrey-Hawkins Full Coverage bill, which would guarantee each American a
sock. "However," cautioned Senator Weicker, "no socks will be given away
unless the recipient shows a bare foot at a sock-distribution center."
February 26. Attorney General Ed Meese created a firestorm of controversy by
commenting that, in his opinion, many Americans along beachfront areas and in
the deep South "voluntarily go barefoot," and that many who come to federal
sock-distribution centers to pick up socks do so "only to get an extra pair."
Critics called Meese's remarks "callous."
-THE END-
Wasn't that fun?
Brian Allison {allegra, ihnp4, uiucdcs, ctvax}!convex!allison
Convex Computer Corp.
Richardson, TX