john@cisden.UUCP (John Woolley) (12/06/85)
So one day, back before Czar Constantin Chernenko got to room temperature, he calls Andrei Gromyko into his office. He looks worried. "Andrei Sergeievich, sit down", he says. "We have a terrible problem." Gromyko looks puzzled -- he hasn't heard of any problem. "What is it, Comrade General Secretary?" "Andrei, it's all these time zones, and international date lines, and all. Something has to be done about it." Now Gromyko's really puzzled. "But, Comrade," he says, "there have always been time zones, and there has to be a date line somewhere. What can we do about it? And how can time zones be such a problem?" "Oh, Andrei," says Chernenko, "it's just so damn confusing. I can't keep track of it all. For instance, when Indira Gandhi was shot, I phoned to give my condolences -- I was a day late! So embarassing! And when the Pope was shot, I phoned to give my condolences -- I was a day early!" ******************** This Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer's a little puzzled. "Look, bud, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas." ******************** Sign seen in a travel agency in Belgrade back when Tito was dying: "Visit the Soviet Union before it visits you." ******************** A Pole and a Russian find a suitcase full of money. "Ah!" says the Russian, "we will of course divide the money between us, like good socialist brothers." "No way", says the Pole. "Fifty-fifty." ******************** Gorbachev, after months of patient persuading, finally gets his old mother to visit Moscow for a holiday. He shows her a great time -- dinner at the best restaurant in the city, opera at the Bolshoi, the Czarina's suite in the Kremlin. But he thinks she's not having a good time. Next morning, after a fabulous breakfast, he shows off his classic car collection, some of the Kremlin art galleries, his sixty-foot high official portrait. He takes her in a fancy limousine out to a beautiful hunting dacha on a gorgeous lake, liveried servants everywhere. But still, he doesn't think she's enjoying herself much. Finally, he asks. "Mama," he says, "what is it? Aren't you proud of me? Don't you like all these things?" "Oh, Misha," says the old lady. "Of course I'm proud of you, and everything's beautiful. I just can't help worrying -- what are you ever going to do if the Reds come back?" ******************** -- Peace and Good!, (Fr.) John Woolley "Quid enim sunt servi Dei nisi quidem joculatores ejus, qui corda hominum erigere debent et movere ad laetitiam spiritualem?" -- S. Franciscus
vohra@ut-sally.UUCP (Pavan Vohra) (12/16/85)
In article <306@cisden.UUCP> john@cisden.UUCP (John Woolley) writes: > > Sign seen in a travel agency in Belgrade back when Tito was dying: >"Visit the Soviet Union before it visits you." > We've had a sign up in our office for many years with the Russian Alphabet on it, which says: "Learn it while it's still voluntary." ----- Pavan Vohra arpa: vohra@sally.UTEXAS.EDU
lbo@ihlpl.UUCP (Oberlander) (12/19/85)
> > We've had a sign up in our office for many years > with the Russian Alphabet on it, which says: > > "Learn it while it's still voluntary." > > ----- > Pavan Vohra > arpa: vohra@sally.UTEXAS.EDU A little old Jewish man is sitting on a park bench in Moscow, studying a Hebrew grammar book. A policeman sees him, and decides to give him a hard time. POLICEMAN: "What are you reading there?" OLD MAN: "A Hebrew text book, sir." POLICEMAN: "Why are you reading that?" OLD MAN: "I am old, and will be dying soon, and going to Heaven, and I want to be prepared to speak the language there." POLICEMAN: "But what if you end up in the other place?" OLD MAN: "I already speak Russian." Lew Oberlander AT&T Bell Laboratories ihnp4!ihwld!lbo