wanttaja@ssc-vax.UUCP (Ronald J Wanttaja) (05/24/85)
Alright... the ULTIMATE Enterprise vs. Whatever contest... CONFIGURATIONS: 1. USS Enterprise: Configuration/capability as shown in STII 2. Rainier: Draft, approximately 14 ounces, 2 inch head of foam. Contained in clear glass mug. OFFENSIVE CAPABILITY: 1. USS Enterprise: as noted 2. Rainier: My wife thinks Rainier is pretty offensive (too bitter). Head of foam may be significant offensive weapon with wind in right quarter. ** NOTE ** Mug, itself, must be considered transport device, not available for offensive use! DEFENSIVE CAPABILITY: 1. Enterprise: As noted. 2. Rainier: High refractivity of mug (must be considered for defensive purposes). High translucency allows passage of Phaser energy. Near perfect "Stealth" shape, especially when spilled. MANEUVERABILITY/SPEED 1. Enterprise: As noted. 2. Rainier: Varies with wax on bar top. SCENARIO: Enterprise sensors report object ahead, moving at warp .00003. Sensors identify as "Brewed vegetable products." Scotty, vastly experienced in these matters, volunteers to be ejected from the pod for first-hand examination. Leaves engineering short handed and lacking leadership. Kirk phires phasers (sorry, couldn't resist). Bar top sliced in half, slowly moving mug strikes rough edge and mug begins to spill. A chance wind blows off the foam, which, by chance, covers the bridge screens (see, I TOLD you they were just windows!). Weapons Officer Chekov volunteers to go out and lick it off, has great experience with USS Potemkin's 123 mm Vodka disruptors. Kirk, undermanned on the bridge, doesn't take evasive action from large mass of spilled Rainier, which impacts aft on primary hull. Due to impulse vent #11 not being closed, the beer enters the ventilation system. Counter-pressure is ordered, however, a blocked vent sends all the Rainier into Spock's quarters. Spock, assuming the alcohol won't affect his green blood, drinks it. He is wrong. Kirk becomes annoyed from the Vulcan drinking songs coming from Spock's quarters, and sends the navigator to stop him. Unfortunately, Lt. Riley is the navigator. He throws himself on the last remaining puddle of beer, "to save the ship." With Riley's prior experience, he and Spock quickly take over the intercom system. After a pummeling of verses from "Kathleen", demands for ice cream, and the grunts, whistles, and slamdancing of "S'peca lu No'khooock" (Spock's favorite), Kirk finally breaks under the pressure and orders "Abandon Ship." They take over a passing "Bird of Prey" ship, and continue back to base. However, unbeknownst to Kirk, Uhura is fermenting Tribble milk in her quarters... Next week: Enterprise vs. Marilyn Chambers! Ron Wanttaja (ssc-vax!wanttaja)