ins_ampm@jhunix.UUCP (Michael P McKenna) (03/09/86)
Not really a rumor, but it started here so it might as well continue:
NEW MIRACLE-WARE PRODUCTS FOR YOUR CRAY PC
Floating Point Accelerator - As an owner of a Cray PC you may have noticed
that simple programs can finish well before they are run, sometimes
even years before you even bought your Cray! (Data generated by
such a run will write itself to the nearest available output or
mass storage device as appropriate. The FCC is hurridly working
on legislation to cover this new form of interference). Unfortunately
complex floating point calculations can take far more time, often
finishing only a few milliseconds before they are run. The Miracle-
Ware floating point accelerator solves this problem, allowiny you
to do floating point instructions in a large multiple of the negative
time formerly required!
Lotus 1E10 2E10 3E10 - The ULTIMATE spreadsheet program. Takes full
advantage of the temporal-reversal properties of your Cray. Set up
programs to explore todays marked trends. The output will be
available to you sometime in the past (user controllable!) allowing
you to ANTICIPATE these same trends with 100% percent accuracy (Note:
Miracle-Ware assumes no liability for history-changing events which
may invalidate the results). Of course once you have the results,
there is no need to run the programs, thus allowing you to save
expensive computer time! WARNING: Imminent legislation being lobbied
for by economists may soon make sale of this software illegal. Buy
now while you still can.
Chrono-Shielding - Protect your very existence with our patented Chrono
shield technology! Ever since JCN's surprise move of making IBM
nonexistent in this timestream (met by great praise from academia),
corporations and individuals have recognized the need for chrono-
protection. Our shielding isolates you and your company from
deliberate time-tampering by others, or by accidental destruction
from your own work!
New Human Interfaces - First in our line of unique human interfaces is
the Psychic Communication Peripheral (PCP). Throw out your windows
and mice, this device enables the Cray to read the users mind and
perform the desired operations! (Warning: This device will not
work in the presence of professional magicians. It is not warrantied
for use under controlled laboratory conditions).
For information on our other human interfaces see our announcements
in the Adults Only newsgroups (Note: Many of the more advanced
interfaces require the Cray PC+ RISCe technology supermicro).
Dwight S. Wilson
"SQUAWK... Polly wanna finger... Polly wanna finger."