enid (02/14/83)
I just read a response to RAID NO.1! by Lady Arwen and found that I did not of the four questions she referred to. They seemed to have been a potential deterrent to suicides. In the summer of 1982, a friend of mine came to me saying he was "going away". When I asked him where and for how long, he was evasive. My friend (whom I shall call "CW", here), came to me in the dorm I was ghosting in, wanting to say goodbye to me. At that point I had far too much to cope with and didn't need anyone who would shatter what little calm or composure I could suck out of my present life. I needed to know he was okay. He and I had been friends about a year and I neede to know that he, with all his problems in dealing with his mother's then recent death was handling it all and doing well enough to heal. He wasn't. He was trying to tell me he was going to take his life from the circle of my own. Forever. When he came out and confirmed what had, for me, only been suspicions dawning and told me, outright, that he was going to commit suicide and this would be the last time we'd see each other; I blew up at him. I got very angry that he would leave me, that he would go ahead and make my life worse by his death. I presented it to him in terms of how much I loved him and how much I wanted and needed his companionship. I had no questions to ask him, like these four Lady Arwen alludes to. I had only my love for my friend and my need for his continued company. I raged at him and nearly cried ( a very hard thing for me to do in front of anyone, not even the boy I will marry this spring), even though we were out in the hall and my friends were milling about coming and going up and down the stairs. I yelled at him and made him see what a loss his suicide would be, who would do the cartooning he does? Who would draw as he does? Who would make just his kind of joke? Who would continue to drain the world's supply of M&M's like he does? Uh-uh, no. You're not leaving me, babe. You're not bloody going without a BIG fight, because I'll curse your memory all of my life for hurting all your friends by taking your own life and leaving us behind like this. How can we replace you? He went away and I think he said he'd think about it or something. I know he said goodbye and I hugged him hard and gave him a kiss. I told him once again that I loved him. He went out with a friend or went straight home, back to the suburbs and the house his mom raised him in, back to the little brother ten years younger with whom he shares a bedroom. And you know what? He didn't do it. He didn't kill himself that day, we still have his beautiful eyes and his awful puns and his great artwork. Best of all, we still have him to talk to and hug and now he laughs a lot. There is no foolproof way to stop someone, especially someone you know, from committing suicide, from escaping into the ultimate abyss. None. You have to play it by ear and be the right person at the right time. Many people say not to leave the suicide alone, I had had to take the risk that CW was still serious as I couldn't follow him. I had had to go to work ( or lose my job, such as it was) and I so wanted to dog CW all that day, all that week. He called me (Or I called him) and I was more relieved than words could ever describe that I need not grieve for him along with all the other grief of that summer and its idiocies. I can turn to him and say to myself that he came to me for reassurance that someone needed him, that someone loved him and that someone wanted him around. I've been told many times, in discussions of suicide, that what many people are asking for is to be stopped. Another thing is what my friend needed from me, to know that I loved him and that I love him now. Apparently that can be a difficult thing to explain to one's own suicidal child. Supposedly, parents are considered less effectual in that respect than the sufferer's friends and schoolmates. What a suicidal person needs, as far as informal attentions, seems to be a support-system that will keep them feeling safe, reassured, loved and valued for themselves. That they aren't totally worthless, that, in fact, they are indispensible. Who can replace a special person in one's life? Who can replace anyone else at all? Maybe net.suicide should be a little bit more serious. There are a lot of people out there who do not know the various signs of a suicidal person. Like: Giving away prized possessions or money Rapid weight- gain or -loss A sudden calmness, after a period of sadness or outright depression (which is said to mean that they have come to a decision of some sort) So how about it, guys? Huh? How about a little caring, in place of all that idiotic mudslinging? Who cares about rabbit!bimmler, anyway? -enid@mit-ccc