[net.suicide] Why Not???

nyles (03/10/83)

#N:zinfandel:11700012:000:3407
zinfandel!nyles    Mar  8 22:55:00 1983

    You may ask, //Why not?// in reference to suicide.  Obviously, you
haven't given the matter any serious thought.  What follows is a chain
of reasoning and conjecture I went through in the last few years on whether
or not to commit suicide.  I hope you find it useful.

    First off, I like to do things right, so the first order of business
was to determine the best way to off myself (speculating, of course).
Since failure in such an endeavor is supremely embarassing, methods such
as eating a bottle of pills with an alchoholic beverage or hanging
myself were out, due to the high potential for failure.  If I ever
decided on the final act, it had to be quick and sure.  Several candidates
sprung up, such as blowing my brains out.  An additional requirement was
quickly added: it had to be reasonably painless.  Cutting my guts out with
a knife seemed to be in the wrong ballpark.

    Second, I didn't want the people that know me to be upset.  This
was a toughie.  I decided that if I disappeared and then went bye bye
it would cause less pain than if I was found in my apartment with a
gun in my hand and no head.  Much better for them to wonder where I
was, rather than knowing the awful (yes, it is) truth.  I hit upon a
scheme that seemed workable, as well as attractive due to its unusual
nature.  First, dig a deep hole, then line it with dynamite... you get
the picture.  No body left to identify, and if located correctly, and
deep enough, the site wouldn't be discovered for years.

    Third, since I had figured out the how, I needed to figure out the
why.  This problem by itself bothered me for several years.  Those years
of wondering and conjecture boiled down to a simple reason to live (or not
to commit suicide), //If I kill myself, I have no more chances.//  This is
stated absolutely, since I am not sure there is an afterlife (those who
are sure could append, //in this life//, and it has the same meaning).  By
saying, //no more chances//, I mean no more chance to:
	find a better reason to live
	learn what the phrase //to live// really means
	laugh and cry
	love and hate
	hurt and heal
	be excited and be bored
	share myself with my friends
	understand myself
And other things, just as important.

    So I decided to live.

    My friends are very important to me; as one of several people, with the
give and take of communication, I feel much more solid in my sense of self.
When I have isolated myself from social contact in the past, I have tended
to lose my sense of reality and values.  This type of experience led me in
ever tightening circles of //logic//, which with no references other than
myself, were quite reasonable and valid.  Assumptions based on data like,
//I feel rotten, everything else must be rotten too.//, were not uncommon.
But with social interaction and observation of what went on in the //real
world//, the circular logic of my depression looked (and looks) pretty stupid.
Feelings that I should go away and die because nobody cared proved to be
unfounded.  There are plenty of people that can care, all I had to do was
give them a chance.

    In summation, I enjoy the fact that I have some choice in what to do
with my life.  I intend to enjoy myself, despite the pain and adversity,
and EXPERIENCE life, not just endure it.

				Falling asleep at the keyboard,
				Lord Morgon
				(decvax!sytek!zehntel!zinfandel!nyles)
				415/932-6900

bis (03/11/83)

	I think the best way to kill oneself without making it
obvious that that was one's intention would be to take one's car out
on the freeway at 3:00 AM and drive into a bridge support at 90 mph.
This will look like an accident, and your friends and relatives will
never suspect that it was done on purpose.
	On the other hand, this method might not be painless.